The Deep Dive Series: CBBC's Friday Download was a fever nightmare

What do you get when you mix Cel Spellman with a studio full of awkies 12 year olds? Sick. You get sick in ur mouth.

there's a 67 year old, Reform UK voter inside this kid i know there is

This is not a personal slander to Sir Spellman, do not get it twisted. You probably do not even know who that is (forgive me, I adore a niche reference). The issue is not Cel Spellman. You could copy and paste any of the gaggle of teeny boppers that presented CBBC's Friday Download and apply the same principle to the problem. Friday Download was just an inherently sickening programme in all the fear-inducing, cringe rattling, ick-tastic ways you would imagine a Top Of The Pops style show with a Key Stage 3 demographic would be. Don't hate the sinner, just strongly despise the sin.

As a nine year old, I experienced my first bout of 'hate-viewing'. The ailment in which you just cannot peel your eyes away from something you absolutely hate. It's cringe and you know it (clap clap chlyamidia) and yet, the twisted little demon on ur shoulder urges you to carry on. Maybe it's the hate that keeps us watching. 

Hate-watching is a biological phenomenon. Our brain produces 'happy hormone' neurotransmitters such as dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin when watching media that makes us feel annoyed and cringe. Love and hate are some of the strongest emotions we can feel, and can often generate similar biological results (eg, think in you fancy someone, your heart rate might increase, just as it would if someone has pissed you OFF). So take away the threat of something actually bad happening (eg, Cel Spellman isn't going to trigger your fight or flight because your primal insticts feel in immediate danger, but he can trigger those same neurotransmitters firing off), and you're left with 'hate-watching'.

If God really does give his toughest problems to the strongest soliders, then the CBBC viewers of 2011 were strong as nails. Military wives choir unite huns. 💓💖💝

If you don't remember this hell-hole, firstly good for u dolly. Trigger warning: I am about to break ur innocence and educate you. If you do remember this show, lock in, arms and legs inside the vehicle, it's going to be a silly ride.

POV: the drone u r flying pans over the gates of Hell

The Premise:

Premiered in 2011, Friday Download was essentially CBBC's answer to This Morning but for generation Kidz Bop. A studio entertainment show designed to inform the nation's pre-teens of the hottest music, TV, dance, fashion (gulp) and games for the upcoming week.

The Presenters:

An odd pick and mix selection of familiar faced teenagers of varying levels of TV fame. Teenagers are a bit cringe at the best of times and goodness me, this lot did not disapoint. Don't believe me? Have a gander at this:

Ok from left to right: (my presidents! BTDUBZ the presenters did a Sugababes move and frequently chopped and changed their line up but can't beat the classics)... u probs can but whatever.

• Richard Wisker (of Tracy Beaker Returns fame)

• Georgia Lock (of Sadie J fame)

• Tyga Drew Honey (the ellusive teen in Outnumbered. Parents are porn stars, go figure)

• Dionne Bromfield (a singer?!

• Cel Spellman (presenter and actor)

• Aidan Davis (of Britain's Got Talent breakdancing fame-not to be confused with 1/2 of BGT alum Twist and Pulse)

what i imagine the youths of Leighton Buzzard look like after a heavy one at Spoons 

The Downloads:

Here, we buckle into the 'downloads'. The format of the show is split into different 'Downloads' (aka the hippest 'how-tos' and 'what's hots' that upcoming weekend). There's a whole lot but u don't have the time and I don't have the sanity to dissect them all so enjoy my own selection of the hottest downloads.

Dance Download

The only way I can get through to you without a stone and chisel is to show you this (it's very important that you watch):

Ok disclaimer, this Aiden fella has got the jones in his bones, credit where crypto credit is due.

He can dance like he's wearing the Red Shoes (if the Red Shoes were high-top trainers and lead actress Victoria Page possessed a Tower Hamlets postcode). There's something disconcerting in seeing a teeny bopper dance to a crowd of nail-chomping kids; all of whom are too highly strung out on Red Shloer and smoking Candy Sticks from the post stress of sitting the Year 6 SAT exams to truly nail the chest pop. It feels INSANE that the British Broadcasting Corporatsh were not filming this as some sort of skit or parody sketch show (in the style of Little Britain). It was just real, bog-standard kids telle.

In verbatim, we get to witness a young Aiden teaching his "two different brothers from two different mothers", Richard and Cel (bbrrrr) how to chest pop. Soundtracking this demonic dance choreo to Boom Boom Pow.  Aiden chucks around the word 'swag' like he's got a job to do. When in doubt? Add a bit of swag to that darling. But i KNOW the girls and gays in the crowd were hook, line and sinker to his Cockney, cheeky chappy charms. I mean! Aiden and Richard together are the Chris and Kem of a generation. Apple and pears to heaven, these two. These two geezers are why a generation of Love Island girlies have grown up to have a macabre obsession with 'cheeky chappy boys who will ruin my life'.

Or this! footage that happened moments b4 disaster 💥💦

Another Friday another dance tutorial. This time mr abby lee miller profesor to the stars is teaching us the move that has 'spread across the nation': JERKING. Richard gets involved as always. But then Tyga. Poor Tyga, with his ghastly peddle pushers and the shoes which look as white and flat as the sneakers fashioned out of baguettes on the front of the Pret Cookbook (if you know, you know). 

Tyga reminds me of those exercise videos from the 90s. He would be the one in the background doing the beginner version of the exercise aka the shit one. And I understand! Tyga's 'jerking' is evocative of me trying to skank to the Grease Megamix in Infernos on a Saturday night.

Style Download

Gok Wan ran so Dani Harmer could drag nine year olds for a paycheck. 2012 was the year of crop. Cropped leggings, cropped boots. cropped cardis, cropped skirts, cropped side sweep hair...cropped talent. And that is evident in Style Download- the segment in which Tracy Beaker star Dani Harmer helps the fashion-clueless. Dani dons a crop demin jacket, cropped boots and croppiest of chops.

Truly the way they talk about the child in a fashion crisis (jessica) is Ofcom worthy. My personal fave quotes:

"She tries very hard to get the latest looks but sometimes she doesn't quite pull it off." (Jessica's mother)

"She needs re-styling FAST. Colour clashes? Mismathces? Is she serious? She needs my help badly." (Dani Harmer)

Jessica reading Horrible Science whilst waiting for Tracy Baccy to give her a bee-line to bullying via her wardrobe #2012 #thisisme

So what have we learnt from the style tips girls? 

WHY wear one top when u can wear two! Its what Chris Martin asks himself one rainy day in 2007 and never looked back since

 

nine year olds must dress like a 40-something PTA mum on her annual holibobs to Costa Del Sol, all inclusive with the girls

and don't forget .  (not a joke, just a threat) 

Hot Or Not Download

The gang each bring their own 'hot or not' topic to the group and decide which is hot or not by sitting on the (you guesed it!) 'hot or not' side of the sofa. great. In plaigarim sake, I would copy and paste this format and use it as a nice Freshers drinking game. Yes, the format would get tedious after 3 rounds but if you are more inventive than the Friday Download gang, it could get controversial. Sadly, the FriYay Downslut group choose topics such as 'rocking chairs', 'water balloons' and 'the colour lime green' (which, actually in the context of a Brat Summer is rather fitting)-essentially, topics bland as the day they were born.

WATCH NOW or forever be better of for not watching it:

Neither hot or not, we are presented with simply lukewarm topics that the pre-teen presenters get worringly over-animated over. They debate till the cows come home about the whys and the whats of water balloon fights and what it means to have a pet rat.

It is a true lesson in adolescent flirting, wheby the boys feel compelled to disagree with the girls within an inch of their life, met with a chorus of silly giggles and rounds of rock paper scissors to settle self-indulgent faux-bickers.

Nostlagically, it is evocative of that lunch hour I spent with my first love in primary school, arguing aboiut whether boys or girls are better #menimism.

What a NIGHTMARE this was! But I miss a fruity panel show that the 2010s loved so much. And without Style Download, I haven't looked good for a full decade now... Bring her back.