the working week lookbook: CITV divas edition

Me and telly:

Ever since I can remember, I have structured my life around priorities. Working my way around the dinner plate? Prioritise eating the green beans first so they're out of the way. And it was always top priotity to ensure I had my ranking of Girls Aloud members secured and memorized, just incase I should be quizzed about such political alignment.

So yes, when I was in my Mike TV era (ages 7-11-current), my hierarchy of needs was very telleh-leaning. see fig 1 for details of my Key Stage 3 TV leaning preferences:

Maslow's Hierarchy Of Needs revisited 

(C)Sh(itv):

Ok! graphics r cool. But notice how CITV falls to the bottom of the food chain. CITV would always be the channel put on the bench, purely for emergency purposes but never to be seriously considered for the leading role. The likes of CBBC and Channel 4 5:30pm viewings of Four in A Bed would take priority over Citvshit anyday. 

And i'm at peace with that for the most part, its limp offerings consisted of crudely done cartoons (Horrid Henry is obv the exception to the rule), and shows were ravaged by adverts (my first taste of Capitalism and it tasted like Lelli Kelly shoes, the cuteeest shoes oh yeh!)

stop passing the buck Zuzma !!!!

and not least CITV's tacky logo...it looks like it was designed by this lot >> after a bust up in the taxi, and a stroppy call on the Samsung Galaxy :

Wait!! CITV were acc looksmaxxing to the max:

However! Like all good authors, the story arc that I had constructed for CITV suddenly shifted! I came to realise that whilst CITV lacked in substance, they more than made up for it with looks. CITV was stuffed to the brim with characters who served up looks every single afternoon, and we never even realised it. Whilst we were all at CBBC's house, wagging our tongues at Justine Littlewood's baby tee fits and the y2k vampy looks plastered all over Young Dracula, CITV divas were brewing something deliciously aesthetically pleasing. 

Don't believe me?

You''ll shit houte couture when u see it!!! 

Looks, fits, stylez from the CITV girls! Forgot those days of the week imprited socks, inspire your weekly looks in the style of some of the baddest in the business. CITV divas 43ver.

💋💋Dress your working week up according to these CXntTV Divas:👄💖💋

Monday: Mel from My Parents are Aliens

A children's sitcom about aliens who come to earth and disguise themselves as humans, in the form of foster parents. the care system is in tatters.

Mel: the older and cooler sister of the clan, dressed to the 7,8,9s all day long.

My Depop veterans would be chuckin out lowball offers left right and centre for that graphic tank and stringy belt

jarvis cocker or david tennant? either way that man looks like a cigarette
but! he's Scottish and djs at the school. so he's naturally on my hit list. 

Tuesday: Danny from Britannia High

A poor man's answer to High School Musical, for those whose parents were 2 povvo to buy Disney Channel. Quite a sensational drama. A nice stepping stone to a future watching Hollyoaks and Made In Chelsea.

fig 1. danny and lauren scissoring!

fig 1. I believe this promo shoot was the inspo behind Sabrina Carpenter's Juno: 'have u ever tried... this one?' Talk about changing up positions...

a chunky cowboy belt straight out of 2009, a muscle t tank top and a look of fear in ur eye

fig 2.if effy stonem was born on the wrong side of the tracks

he's such a style icon he already had pre-made style guides: SAY NO TO SKINNY and wristbands are in Tueday's #ootd 

celebrate ur natural beauty, blur gender norms and let the tom boy in you 'think pink'. The bootcut jean is nothing short of sensationalist media. Kenny Lamar's Super Bowl's inspo.

Wednesday: Tricky TV

Stephen Mulhern invites his audience into the 'secret circle' as we enjoy him and his gaggle of work experience interns performing SPELL-BINDING magic tricks. I pinned my entire career's hopes and dreams on this tomfoolery, and convinced myself I was going to be a magician. 

Happy hump day girls!-have some self-filled colouring books!

yes i fancy stephen mulhern from the 2000s, yes i am working through this info

it's Vegas night girls! pop on ur best BlackJack inspired looks with a red and black job lot.

the vibe is red, burgandy and mayybbee a maroon JUST make sure it's ill-fitting !!!

Thursday: Jungle Run- the monkey huns

still the gameshow that I would bet on winning. let me win my Gameboy and leave the rest of the teammates trapped in the temple in peace!

the chosen 2 monkeys when Noah decided to save them on the Arc

These girls gave us a demo in co-dependant relationships and volumising your barnet. They would literally chuck all sorts of shit at the pre-pubescent kid contestant, in the name of keeping them locked away from their man. Hot stuff. So toxic and troubled.

Also giving us a masterclass in the politics of misusing box-dye and sunshine. Green hair, and green faced with envy.

Friday: Bel's Boys 

An Irish gem, about a 9 year old band manager and a gaggle of Irish boys who look like a body- dysphoried version of Panic! At the Disco. I fear they rocked, so Paul Mescal could run and go on to fly the flag for Irish men. Blazer looks for those Thurs post-work drinkies!!

one thing about these boys, they luv a blazer with a jean. Sixth Form smart casual dress#coded 

Comrade core meets sexy office siren meets Kurt from Glee

a chris martin inspired long sleeve-short sleeve moment. sky full of slags for the waistcoat and tie combo.

Confessions of a Barista #1

We've all seen those Primark slogan tops adorned by Facebook mothers and charity shop rails alike. The really high-fashion, haute couture numbers that give the reader strict instruction to: DO NOT talk to me before I've had my COFFEE. Unfortunately, due to the placement of your t-shirt's fontage, gives the unfortunate impression that the reader is staring straight at yer tits. As Katie Price once said say, the nipples are the eyes of the face. As you were.

Whether coffee is your morning glory, or you've trained your taste buds to simply tolerate coffee after the use and abuse of your mum's Pret Subscription (heaven truly has gained an angel)- coffee has become nothing short of an institution.  

The Barista Script

💓#DoNOTGetBritainTalking

I'm a barista (please to be confused with barister). So when people ask me what I do for a living, I tell them i'm a key worker. I might not get a NHS 10% discount but I do save lives. 

One frapalapamochacino at a time.

Being a barista is quite the universal experience. Whether you steam milk in a chain coffee shop or you faf about in an independent cafe with a silly, over-compensating name like Latte Ass or Your Fave Toxic-Expresso, all baristas are created equal. We are experts in fake laughter, caffeine dependency and over-handling the noisy milk steamer to cover up off-hand comments you make about that one overly-familiar customer. 

It's our job to make you feel welcomed in and relaxed and read the room. No shift is complete without tossing out lines from the customer service script. Customer who is a bit frazzled? Well... "It's because you haven't had your coffee yet!" Barely gets some air blown out of their nose for a response, let alone a proper laugh. But what's a polite puff of nose air between friends! 

When you ask if they would "like some sugar with that"? you hover for 2-3 business working days and fake laugh in anticipation for the inevitable "no thanks! i'm sweet enough" customer reply. Now That's What I Call Funny! 0121Rofl. 

A Venti please!

Personal Specification: I'm proficient in identity crisis and latte art

Being a barista, I find myself talking like I’m playing a caricature of myself. Most of the time, my brain doesn’t know what’s about to come out once my mouth has already begun the talking (mistake). In a desperate attempt to appease to the SW postcoded masses of whom I work for, I start referring to loyalty cards as ‘bad boys’ and call every other hot bevarage a ‘cheeky cup of Joe’.

The demographic for whom I so lovingly serve

During the hours of 8-3pm I do not know who I am. I lose myself to the music, the moment, the demographic. I'm a sponge for who and whatever the customer wants me to be. Call it immaculate customer service? I call it chronic people pleasing! xx 

I’ve started calling Freedom Pass holders ‘my love’ and in the last few months of employment, I've enjoyed more enthused conversations about house renovations and the perils of high cholestrol than I've enjoyed hot dinners! It's easier to be a YES MAN when the people slurping their skinny frappes clearly just want an ear to chat to. Plus, the retired Theatre Kid in me secretly delights in role-playing along with these cafe stock characters. Community service meets method acting.

Never work with kids or animals

Being a barista means you become the ultimate YES MAN. Forget the girl you are outside the hours of employment. You're now the everyman's confidant and therapist, the voice of wisdom and knowlege regarding just how ABSURB house prices and cups of coffee are these days, and the regent childminder, on foot to woo and coo and yabadabadoo about their sticky toddler who you swear is the "cutest baby i've ever seen! oh yes you are!" 

the baby in question #genderreveal

Worst of all are the trophy kids... Think trophy wife but 3 apples high and has an unhealthy babycino dependence (do NOT talk to me before I’ve had my Venti Skinny Babycino). 

What would you expect to look up and see after hearing the frenzied yelps of, "over here! excuse me! Come quickly!!"? The scene of a crime perhaps, or the breaking of some serious news per chance. How about just an obnoxiously-proud grandmother showing off their baby grandson who did something vaguely resembling a smile in your vague direction? Of course this justifies dropping EVERYTHING to marvel in wonder... the baby whose idea of a sick joke is decorating the floor with a village-worth of crossiant crumbs and Frube splodge every afternoon. If you're making coffee for the mums, babies and over-bearing grandkids, paint on that smile and make the best babycino yet-it'll make the hours fly quicker and the £11.44 p/h taste even sweeter.

Children are the future. But then again, so is Climate Change xx