Confessions of a Barista #1

We've all seen those Primark slogan tops adorned by Facebook mothers and charity shop rails alike. The really high-fashion, haute couture numbers that give the reader strict instruction to: DO NOT talk to me before I've had my COFFEE. Unfortunately, due to the placement of your t-shirt's fontage, gives the unfortunate impression that the reader is staring straight at yer tits. As Katie Price once said say, the nipples are the eyes of the face. As you were.

Whether coffee is your morning glory, or you've trained your taste buds to simply tolerate coffee after the use and abuse of your mum's Pret Subscription (heaven truly has gained an angel)- coffee has become nothing short of an institution.  

The Barista Script

💓#DoNOTGetBritainTalking

I'm a barista (please to be confused with barister). So when people ask me what I do for a living, I tell them i'm a key worker. I might not get a NHS 10% discount but I do save lives. 

One frapalapamochacino at a time.

Being a barista is quite the universal experience. Whether you steam milk in a chain coffee shop or you faf about in an independent cafe with a silly, over-compensating name like Latte Ass or Your Fave Toxic-Expresso, all baristas are created equal. We are experts in fake laughter, caffeine dependency and over-handling the noisy milk steamer to cover up off-hand comments you make about that one overly-familiar customer. 

It's our job to make you feel welcomed in and relaxed and read the room. No shift is complete without tossing out lines from the customer service script. Customer who is a bit frazzled? Well... "It's because you haven't had your coffee yet!" Barely gets some air blown out of their nose for a response, let alone a proper laugh. But what's a polite puff of nose air between friends! 

When you ask if they would "like some sugar with that"? you hover for 2-3 business working days and fake laugh in anticipation for the inevitable "no thanks! i'm sweet enough" customer reply. Now That's What I Call Funny! 0121Rofl. 

A Venti please!

Personal Specification: I'm proficient in identity crisis and latte art

Being a barista, I find myself talking like I’m playing a caricature of myself. Most of the time, my brain doesn’t know what’s about to come out once my mouth has already begun the talking (mistake). In a desperate attempt to appease to the SW postcoded masses of whom I work for, I start referring to loyalty cards as ‘bad boys’ and call every other hot bevarage a ‘cheeky cup of Joe’.

The demographic for whom I so lovingly serve

During the hours of 8-3pm I do not know who I am. I lose myself to the music, the moment, the demographic. I'm a sponge for who and whatever the customer wants me to be. Call it immaculate customer service? I call it chronic people pleasing! xx 

I’ve started calling Freedom Pass holders ‘my love’ and in the last few months of employment, I've enjoyed more enthused conversations about house renovations and the perils of high cholestrol than I've enjoyed hot dinners! It's easier to be a YES MAN when the people slurping their skinny frappes clearly just want an ear to chat to. Plus, the retired Theatre Kid in me secretly delights in role-playing along with these cafe stock characters. Community service meets method acting.

Never work with kids or animals

Being a barista means you become the ultimate YES MAN. Forget the girl you are outside the hours of employment. You're now the everyman's confidant and therapist, the voice of wisdom and knowlege regarding just how ABSURB house prices and cups of coffee are these days, and the regent childminder, on foot to woo and coo and yabadabadoo about their sticky toddler who you swear is the "cutest baby i've ever seen! oh yes you are!" 

the baby in question #genderreveal

Worst of all are the trophy kids... Think trophy wife but 3 apples high and has an unhealthy babycino dependence (do NOT talk to me before I’ve had my Venti Skinny Babycino). 

What would you expect to look up and see after hearing the frenzied yelps of, "over here! excuse me! Come quickly!!"? The scene of a crime perhaps, or the breaking of some serious news per chance. How about just an obnoxiously-proud grandmother showing off their baby grandson who did something vaguely resembling a smile in your vague direction? Of course this justifies dropping EVERYTHING to marvel in wonder... the baby whose idea of a sick joke is decorating the floor with a village-worth of crossiant crumbs and Frube splodge every afternoon. If you're making coffee for the mums, babies and over-bearing grandkids, paint on that smile and make the best babycino yet-it'll make the hours fly quicker and the £11.44 p/h taste even sweeter.

Children are the future. But then again, so is Climate Change xx

dear fresher. pt 1 the remix

Tips, tricks and tit-bits for the fresher starting uneh

Uni is a lot like Fresh Meat. If Fresh Meat was reffering to the reduced meat aisle of Aldi, and not the iconic Channel 4 situational comedy commediene starring Jack Whitehall and the welsh one from 'Angus Thongs and Perfect Snogging'. It's slighty terrifying, full of unknown grey areas and you might get sick from it but hopefully it'll be a meal you remember for the rest of your (recently converted vegetarian following this slab of meat) lifetime.

if 'fresh' was a synonym for salmonella

Enjoy and take these uni tips and tricks on board (or don't! I've scraped my 2:1 in Sociology so you don't have to).

 Loving your degree (or not)

Some people love their degree, a lot of us don’t. This doesn’t mean you can’t still love uni, but engaging with your course will probably make those lectures a bit more doable. 

We all tell ourselves that we work better at home, or that watching telly and a lecture together actually boosts concentration(!), but we’re all victims of false hope and self-kidding. Sometimes you need to get arts and craftsy and devise fresh ways to make your degree great again.

Bring your child to work day

Alexa my darling, play Unorthadox ft Wretch 32 on Spotify. Yes yes an unorthadox strategy and a poor man's answer to Open University but a fun way to sink your teeth into your course is to bring a mate along with you to sit in on some of your lectures.. and then try out some of theirs! Whether it’s wanting to convince your mate that your course isn’t actually as easy as people make it out to be (Liberal Art veterans rise up), to show them that one really fit course mate you’re always banging on about, or just for some moral support, it's a fun way to bring some novelty back into the mundane.

Bringing a familiar face into an otherwise all too familiar lecture suddenly transforms studying into a day out. Then pay a visit to your pal's own lecture, you might learn something new (or even better, have some newfound appreaction for your course once you realize that there are far drier alternatives out there)... 

one minute you're a freshi getting lost on campus the next min you're a grad saying GET LOST CAMPUS

Explore campus

don’t trek to the library just because that's where everyone else is going Find your own favorite study spot. You'll surprise yourself at the countless study spots scattered around campus. And girls! You can use this to your advantage. For my gastronut girlies, find that secret study room nextdoor to your fave campus supermarket (work motivation is best served delicious- if good taste came in the form of a meal deal and cost £3.40)  

Coming home and getting into bed will feel so much more satisfying after a day out at campus, and it lets you leave work on campus instead of having it mess up the feng-shui of your uni room. 

Sharing the love... of flat cleaning

 Hear me out, but flat kitchen clean-ups became mini national holidays in my first year flat.

 I know.. I know this sounds like something your mum would say after reading an article about how to make household chores sound more fun for your lazy teenager.. But it genuinely became a comforting silly little ritual that allowed us to play adult, whilst wiping away the mess and regret from the heavy night before. You can tell that my first year was during lockdown, can’t you? Times were tough.

The great peak-aliser

Uni does have its fair share of the mundane, the chores and cleaning, and the little jobs that you might not think about whilst living at home. So turning a flat cleaning session into a group activity, (no matter how mundane the task may be) is actually perfect for chatting away (especially once the novelty hangover-laiden chats perched around the breakfast bar start to wear off).

my front garden during second year <3

Blaring out music and bonding over the inevitable moldy garlic baguette you find behind the fridge freezer is community bonding babes. This may sound too Brady Bunch, and the chances are that flat chores are never born equal. Resentment can build and so drawing up a basic cleaning rota is a good shout. Either way, you will probably find that each flat mate will fall into their role. 

(I never took a bin out during first year and I'm prettier for it)

Put yourself out there 

Said every ‘inspirational’ embroidered quote cushion ever. Ok! Ok! I know! Bear with me, because writing such a cliché does not sit right with me either. But! as much as you hate reading it, and I hate to love writing it, it’s the most important piece of advice there is. 

Find your accommodation Facebook group page, join the group chats and take the plunge early. Once you’re moved in and the tapestry has been lovingly blu-taked to the walls, get knocking on your hall’s doors. It might feel daunting but, (start the cliché chart), everyone is in it together. Plus the aura points you’ll gain from being the balshy, brazen flatmate that brings the whole block together is unmatched. Once the scary five seconds of inital meetings is over and out, you'll never have to re-do that first impression ever again. But it will be 10X more awkies trying to introduce yourself to your neighbours once you're one uni term in, and the ice-breaker go-to of playing Paranoia with a gaggle of mis-matched 18 year olds has well and truly gone stale. 

"Strike whilst the iron is hot!" - Chirag Gupta, 'Diary of a Wimpy Kid'

It’s unlikely that you’ll be best mates with everyone you meet, or even that all your friendships at the start will see you through your whole uni experience, but that’s okay and happens more often than not! 

Uni is the one place where you will live exclusively surrounded with people your age, so the chances are your next best mate is just around the corner. It's like Westfield's Kidzania but for young adults. There are tons of societies to join (or opportunities to start your own one), with tons of like-minded people. It can feel daunting joining a society on your own or taking up a completely new sport or interest as a beginner, but even the most confident, expert level members of that socety you want to join were a nervous beginner once too. Nobody's born a natural Battle Re-anactment Society warrior babe, and even the toughest of Hummus  Society members also had to take the plunge once for the first time!

If I could re-do my first year, one thing I would do differently (as well as avoiding my white rum and apple hi-juice tipple era) is say yes to more opportunities (whey! Tally number 3 for the cliches!). I met amazing people in the first year who would become my best mates in the second year -my only regret here, is that I didn’t cement those friendships sooner. #sobstory

stay tuna for part 2 if u want the full uni survival guide of tricks, treats and tomfoolery.

The tragic rise and fall of music videos

There are 3 things on God's green earth that I know to be true:

• If you order an espresso from a cafe but ask for a cup of boiling water after you've paid, you have made your own Americano at half the price #stealfromyourlocalindependant
• There is no best thing since sliced bread. Don't believe what you hear
• A cracking music video can salvage the shoddiest of songs

An ode to the music video

To quote in verbatim the poet laureate that is Maria (the mother in the cinema that is 'My Big Fat Greek Wedding'); the man (song) is head but the woman (music video) is the neck. Music videos are a funny concept. A short film to supposedly showcase its accompanying song. In many ways music videos can boost an already fully-fledged banger and in rare twists of fate, can transform a sub-par, bland, strictly Italian mixed herb seasoning song into the next national anthem.

Everyone individual and every generation has their proto-type case-study to evidence the power of the music video. My individual show-stopper has to be Basshunter’s ‘Every Morning’ music video. This piece of pure cinema gave 7 year old me literally no other viable option but to pick up my jaw off the floor piece by piece.

Jaw-dropping stuff. The story, the drama when the main character girlie gets lost in the sea- all unfolding on a backdrop of brick-phone dalliances and bikini clad girlies (the 00s attitude being less is less when it came to girlies on a yacht with Sweedish DJs). The song provided a delicious backdrop for what was an even more delicious mini feature film. In a sense, this 'nothing-to- write-home-about' 2009 techno cancion acted as a vessel to carry its more charming, more dramatic, and more memorable music video.

Music videos are formative, on a micro and macro level. The music video has penetrated into the realm of popular culture and cultural nuances. You just need to pop your head outside on the 31st October to see countless girls dressed up as school-girl Britney Spears from her '...Baby One More Time' music video. Or the socio-political stir videos can cause, such as Madonna's 'Like A Prayer' in which the Vatican urged people to boycott the video due to its immoral religious imagery (including burning crosses and a Black saint statue coming alive and kissing Madge). Ironically, the Catholic Church completely missed the true message of Madonna's video, which was an ever-poigniant social comment on systemic racism and police brutality against the African American community.

Brit, Madonna and X-Tina Aguilera: Monarchs of the pop music video
 

In Layman's terms, the music video was the boy you actually fancy, and the song was his mate who you speak to just to get closer to the fanciable friend. It’s called appeasing. It's called the greater good. The art of carrying.

Music videos: A child of its time?

It really felt that the progression of music videos truly peaked in the 90s and 00s.

The music video conveyor belt had left behind its terrifying pals from the 1980s...

Some personal highlights of mine. Oh the 80s loved a green screen.

its raining men! the weather girls have lost their head

Leo Sayer u really DO make me feel like dancin

tainted luv giving me the heebie jeebs 

 heads gone

And these risque videos paved the way for the boy-band cliches, choreographed dancing and sensationally dizzying and disturbingly non-ironic video story-lines of the 90s, 00s and 10s. There was a comfort culture in the reliable excitement of Saturday mornings watching the Smash! Hits TV channel. 4Music and VIVA were the iconic TV channels that counted down the hottest hits, often made memorable by their music videos (or, in the case of Miss Kathryn Elizabeth Perry’s ‘The One That Got Away’, being upstaged).

Katie as an old woman is something I didn't need to see but also needed it more than life itself

evocative of a simpler time of T-Mobile and Now That's What I Call Music 68   

Growing up in the 2000s meant that your main vices were telly and eventually Youtube. There was no TikTok or quick-fix reels. The era of digital bombardment and see-all media was merely sizzling below the surface; waiting for iPhones and social media to wet our digital dependany. Flipping through the pages of Heat and Mizz magazines to inform yourself about current global affairs (the affairs being the gag-worthing stories from Mizz’s ‘share your shame!’ page). And look! I’m greedy guts! Please bombard my senses! Force me to skim read article after article so I can just get straight to the next, and retain net.ZERO information. I love a bit of over-stimulation. I’m mad for maximalism. When watching a Youtube video, I do have wondering eyes on the auto-cue; I'm already there before I'm here.

But living in a digital age has squished our attention span and overloaded us with never-ending wormholes of endless choices and 'grass is greener' content to scroll through. The result? Nothing is that...special, anymore.  

An ode to: Our teeny tiny insy winsy attention span:

Today’s world wants fast-paced, quick and readily available unlimited content. Today's diminished attention span cannot justify sitting through a 5 minute music video when there are endless TikToks and reels (yes i'm yapping about reels AGAIN) doing the exact same thing, but in delicious bite-sized, four-second spurts that keeps the attention span’s tongue wagging.

Why would there be a TV channel exclusively dedicated to music videos when such media can just dissolve into one of the many things watched, and just as quickly forgotten, on a phone screen!

Even Youtube (the once promised land to music videos) cannot escape our gratuitous appetites, from their new Youtube Shorts feature, to the increasingly popular format of best bit and compilation videos.

Stream or a nightmare?

If Hansxl and Gretxl symbolise the snipped up attention span, then the breadcrumbs they scatter to the gingerbread house lead us to destination: streaming services. The likes of Apple Music, Spotifucked up and Deezer have chewed up any fond memories of music video TV channels and iPod Nanos, and spat. them. out. Yuck!!!

millenial but allow it.
1: Christian rock
2: Praise tecnho
3: Jesus Indie Sleeze
4: Primary school hymns 

Streaming services have cut out the music video middle man and skipped straight to the music, with millions of songs readily available with a simple tap. Streaming services are hot-to-go for our increasingly busy and individualized lives. Take Spotify: within a few uses of the app, AI and listening analytics quickly analyse your listening actiivty and personalise your Spotify experience, from custom-made playlists according to your preferences and new music recommendations. Not only is it quick and easy, but it's all about YOU. And who doesn't love feeling special and individually pampered? Gone are the days of enduring naff songs on the radio or sitting through countless music videos before you get to your floor-favourite.

Non-believers look in my Christian eyes and  tell me you don't love 'Oceans'. Atheists rise up.

So it's all about YOU. AND it's all about keeping up with YOU and YOUR busy, multi-tasking, sensory-overloaded lifestyle. On the run? Airpods in, Spotify on, laptop open to work on a gazzilion other things. Getting ready for a gig where you know none of the artist's songs? Spotify This Is: *insert any artist* playlist blasting, accompanied by their handy lyric feature. House party? You know that Spotify queue is chockablocka with everyone's song requests being skipped so you can get yours to the top of the priority list.

I'll miss you my sweet

Before we unleashed unlimited access to our favorite artists (from their personal social medias, live-streams filmed in their own homes, Instagram stories and appearances on popular TV and streaming shows) artists had a certain mystique surrounding them and their art. There wasn’t the as readily available content to explore more about the person behind the music and their work. Music videos provided several minutes to preciously un-peel another layer of the person behind the music to learn more about this enigmatic talent. This was exciting. This was fresh. And as much as my greedy guts self loves the narcissism of Spotify Wrapped, I equally miss the poignancy of music videos. 

Whilst we welcome the new era of music engagement, the golden age of the music video truly was a time to be alive. Honourable mentions include the likes of Avril Lavigne (or Melissa depending on your Lavigne persuasion)’s spellbinding 'When You’re Gone' music video, laiden with a Richard Curtis style patch work of several devvo story-lines. The old man crying over photos of him and his late wife is harrowing. On par with an Age UK advert.

If this the music video wasn’t the one I usually rely on when I fancy a sob and need a helping hand, I would be inclined to believe it’s one of those compensation ‘accident at work’ adverts due to the scene where the old man’s walls start (literally) falling down around him.

Or the classic Justin Timberlake’s 'Goes Around Comes Around' starring a loverat Scarlet Johanssen and 10 minutes of fully fledged dialogue as we follow their Moulin-Rogue style story of sizzling chemistry, lust and deciet. Just two 2000s icons int their absolute prime. Cinema! And always nice to witness JT before he flipped the classic narrative and turned from his 2000s riches, to his present-day rags. An anthem and an equally astounding video.

Or the almighty 'Push The Button' music video that sexed up everything you know about elevator music and those awks lift silences... I won't say who, but I will say that this music video was the basis for a close friend of mine's sexual awakening. The power of music videos! They have a special place in the Fourth Wave Feminist sex positive movement xxxxx

It’s all a bit bland that artists nowadays would rather produce a Smiggle looking, graphic-bopping lyric video, in favour of a fully fledged music video. But such is life. And in the worlds of wordsmith Justin Timbers, what goes around truly does come around. If 90s and y2k paraphernalia such as vinyls, cassettes and low-rise jeans have had their comeback, it’s only a matter of time before we’re sinking our pearly whites back into music videos a la the 2000s.

And I have a sneaky feeling that we are beginning to see it happen. Sabrina Carpenter's 'Espresso' certainly made waves in 2024 with a decadant, visually sumptuous music video that matched the sky-high standards of this song of the year. The sepia-toned, vintage aesthetic of this video successfully introduced the public to the next era and aesthetic of her music career. Maybe videos are great again. And, ofc Charli levelled up her brat summer with her exciting and messy music videos. Not only boasting an array of pop culture's hotttest it-girls going, but brand wise, making music videos such a key part of brat complimented her 2010s, MySpace music prod, messy, internet culture aesthetic.

Nice one Chi. XCX

(or, nice one Si)

The return of the music video does make sense... The cyclical trend cycle has a funny little way of coming back around. Plus, music videos are so y2k reminiscent that any pop girly knows it will be eaten UP by the Gen Alphas for whom are new to the music video phenonemonomenenm.

I for one, can't wait to sink our grey, brown, pearly-white teeth into the rennaisance era of music videos and pump some life back into this dying art.