Showing posts with label 2000s. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 2000s. Show all posts

Saturday, 15 February 2025

the working week lookbook: CITV divas edition

Me and telly:






Ever since I can remember, I have structured my life around priorities. Working my way around the dinner plate? Prioritise eating the green beans first so they're out of the way. And it was always top priotity to ensure I had my ranking of Girls Aloud members secured and memorized, just incase I should be quizzed about such political alignment.

So yes, when I was in my Mike TV era (ages 7-11-current), my hierarchy of needs was very telleh-leaning. see fig 1 for details of my Key Stage 3 TV leaning preferences:


Maslow's Hierarchy Of Needs revisited 












(C)Sh(itv):

Ok! graphics r cool. But notice how CITV falls to the bottom of the food chain. CITV would always be the channel put on the bench, purely for emergency purposes but never to be seriously considered for the leading role. The likes of CBBC and Channel 4 5:30pm viewings of Four in A Bed would take priority over Citvshit anyday. 

And i'm at peace with that for the most part, its limp offerings consisted of crudely done cartoons (Horrid Henry is obv the exception to the rule), and shows were ravaged by adverts (my first taste of Capitalism and it tasted like Lelli Kelly shoes, the cuteeest shoes oh yeh!)

stop passing the buck Zuzma !!!!
and not least CITV's tacky logo...it looks like it was designed by this lot >> after a bust up in the taxi, and a stroppy call on the Samsung Galaxy :


Wait!! CITV were acc looksmaxxing to the max:


However! Like all good authors, the story arc that I had constructed for CITV suddenly shifted! I came to realise that whilst CITV lacked in substance, they more than made up for it with looks. CITV was stuffed to the brim with characters who served up looks every single afternoon, and we never even realised it. Whilst we were all at CBBC's house, wagging our tongues at Justine Littlewood's baby tee fits and the y2k vampy looks plastered all over Young Dracula, CITV divas were brewing something deliciously aesthetically pleasing. 

Don't believe me?

You''ll shit houte couture when u see it!!! 

Looks, fits, stylez from the CITV girls! Forgot those days of the week imprited socks, inspire your weekly looks in the style of some of the baddest in the business. CITV divas 43ver.


💋💋Dress your working week up according to these CXntTV Divas:👄💖💋




Monday: Mel from My Parents are Aliens

A children's sitcom about aliens who come to earth and disguise themselves as humans, in the form of foster parents. the care system is in tatters.

Mel: the older and cooler sister of the clan, dressed to the 7,8,9s all day long.
My Depop veterans would be chuckin out lowball offers left right and centre for that graphic tank and stringy belt
jarvis cocker or david tennant? either way that man looks like a cigarette
but! he's Scottish and djs at the school. so he's naturally on my hit list. 


Tuesday: Danny from Britannia High

A poor man's answer to High School Musical, for those whose parents were 2 povvo to buy Disney Channel. Quite a sensational drama. A nice stepping stone to a future watching Hollyoaks and Made In Chelsea.

fig 1. danny and lauren scissoring!

fig 1. I believe this promo shoot was the inspo behind Sabrina Carpenter's Juno: 'have u ever tried... this one?' Talk about changing up positions...
a chunky cowboy belt straight out of 2009, a muscle t tank top and a look of fear in ur eye
fig 2.if effy stonem was born on the wrong side of the tracks

he's such a style icon he already had pre-made style guides: SAY NO TO SKINNY and wristbands are in Tueday's #ootd 

celebrate ur natural beauty, blur gender norms and let the tom boy in you 'think pink'. The bootcut jean is nothing short of sensationalist media. Kenny Lamar's Super Bowl's inspo.


Wednesday: Tricky TV

Stephen Mulhern invites his audience into the 'secret circle' as we enjoy him and his gaggle of work experience interns performing SPELL-BINDING magic tricks. I pinned my entire career's hopes and dreams on this tomfoolery, and convinced myself I was going to be a magician. 

Happy hump day girls!-have some self-filled colouring books!


yes i fancy stephen mulhern from the 2000s, yes i am working through this info

it's Vegas night girls! pop on ur best BlackJack inspired looks with a red and black job lot.


the vibe is red, burgandy and mayybbee a maroon JUST make sure it's ill-fitting !!!


Thursday: Jungle Run- the monkey huns

still the gameshow that I would bet on winning. let me win my Gameboy and leave the rest of the teammates trapped in the temple in peace!
the chosen 2 monkeys when Noah decided to save them on the Arc





These girls gave us a demo in co-dependant relationships and volumising your barnet. They would literally chuck all sorts of shit at the pre-pubescent kid contestant, in the name of keeping them locked away from their man. Hot stuff. So toxic and troubled.
Also giving us a masterclass in the politics of misusing box-dye and sunshine. Green hair, and green faced with envy.




















Friday: Bel's Boys 

An Irish gem, about a 9 year old band manager and a gaggle of Irish boys who look like a body- dysphoried version of Panic! At the Disco. I fear they rocked, so Paul Mescal could run and go on to fly the flag for Irish men. Blazer looks for those Thurs post-work drinkies!!

one thing about these boys, they luv a blazer with a jean. Sixth Form smart casual dress#coded 

Comrade core meets sexy office siren meets Kurt from Glee

a chris martin inspired long sleeve-short sleeve moment. sky full of slags for the waistcoat and tie combo.




Thursday, 28 November 2024

#Christiancore or Christ at our core?....

Every Catholic knows that "once a Catholic, always a Catholic". And there is something in this: the muscle memory in remembering word-perfect lyrics when you hear an old primary school hymn for the first time in decades, the comforting familiarity you feel when you enter a beautiful stained-glass church, or how you First Holy Communion was still the best day your life (un-ashamedly). A lapsed Catholic’s favourite thing to talk about is the one thing they spent the better half of their life running from: Catholicism.






In today's digital age, TikTok trends come as often as Shirley Ballas does whenever a male celebrity, with a vaguely pretty face hits the Strictly Cum Dancing dancefloor on a Saturday night.

There's always a new trend popping up. 


But the latest #CatholicCore trend (under the same umbrella as Christian Core and its more problematic pal, Mexican Catholic Girl Core) has especially caught my attention. And, has sustained a pretty impressive shelf life of relevance amongst a pool of fleeting micro trends that come and go like the wind changes. (don't make that face, the wind will change and it will be stuck like that forever!!)

sooooo what is CatholicCore?

Cathlicore uses symbols and motifs well known within the Christian religion purely as fashion fodder, as a statement.

(Trimble, 2022)

Sabrina Carpenter's 'Feather' music video (filmed in a Church) is adorned with sparkly religious motifs, coffins that read 'rip bitch' and a coquette Sabs dancing in a way that definitely doesn't leave a 5cm gap for the Holy Spirit..The priest who allowed such controversial filming in his church was subsequently stripped from his duties.



Catholics don’t do things by half. I mean.. their whole 1500s mood board was literally about being the most flashy, decadent style of worship compared to their more modest Protestant brothers.
From the silken floor length garments worn by priests, to the fact that Mass is traditionally said in Latin (infamously the most bows and frills language going), Catholicism is one big theatric. Drama, decadence and threatrics. It’s all very Drama Kid/show tune/silk and gold/choirs/oh and the *literal* offering of Jesus' wafer thin body.

Kourtney Kardashian and Travis Barker's wedding in 2022 was drenched in flashy religious motifs: from an ornate Catholic alter, chunky crosses and a wedding mini dress featuring a veil emblazzoned with the Virgin Mary


Ok... why are we crazed for this Christiancor’blimey trend?


Reclaiming and reappropriating religious trauma:

Firstly, what do we mean by reappropriation?:
 
to take back or reclaim (something) for one's own purposes
trying to reappropriate a disparaging term
Hot!
We can see examples of reappropriation across many resistance movements. Typically used by minority groups who have been oppressed by the majority ie; the LGBTQ+ community reclaiming the word queer, or the aptly named SlutWalk protests coined and incited by female protesters calling out rape culture and slut-shaming. 

Disclaimer: I understand that Catholicism and Western Christianity might not be an explicitly oppressed minority group and therefore potentially unfitting for the criteria of reappropriation...I am focusing on the experience of individuals affected by religious trauma following an upbringing moulded by instutionalised religion.


Religious trauma:

Indie girlie Ethel Cain has built her music brand around her complex relationship with Christianity after her Baptist Church upbringing


Religious trauma is any trauma that takes place in a religious setting, often through psychological or emotional distress or emotionally manipulative practices.

Whilst a heavily encouraged religious upbringing might not be intentionally, or exclusively harmful, it does have the ability to negatively affect people in different ways. 

Causes of religious trauma can include:
Using guilt and fear-mongering tactics to control behavior, thoughts and feelings based on strict moral coding
Rigid gender roles being used to limit and control
Repression of critical thinking and questioning
Physical, sexual, finanical and/or emotional abuse
(Sandstone Care, 2024)

A controversial theme: The Met Gala 2018: Heavenly Bodies and The Catholic Imagination




For the majority of marginalised folk who have faced trauma and discrimination at the hands of oppressors, the act of reappropriating otherwise negative associated lanaguge and symbols is a powerful tool. Powerful in reempowrring, and taking ownership of something that has been used negatively against them and reclaiming the use of such labels and symbols to use themselves.
 If you're unapologetically labelling yourself with words that might have used to shame you, you've stripped oppressors the power to shame you via these labels and symbols. It's yours.

If your experience in the Catholic Church was anything like mine (and I actually looooved Catholic school), you might associate Catholicism with the constant reminder that we are evil sinners facing death and the firey pits of hell, or is it the sadistic, human-shaped judgements, villifying anyone who has experienced thoughts and feelingss of sexual desire?  (Belfield, 2022)

girlish bows are a Catholic Core staple!

Apart from the fact that genuine Christian teaching is built around a benevolent God who encourages us to be full of hope with the good news that Jesus loves us sooo much that he died for our sins already!!.. Catholicism possesses an unfortunate histroic reputation of being all fire and brimstone; eventually pushing disgruntled people away from faith all together. And of course, if your only exposure to the Church has been one of fear and shame, then why would you want to stick to it... 

i like the confidence, hate the crop
 if i wore this to Church I would be like a widow stood on a porch wrapping her XXL cardigan around her waist trying to cover up this sacreligious little tee shirt







This might explain the rise in ex-Catholic girlies, rebelling against purity culture, in the interest of self-expression and individualism. Donning a crucifix, sporting a cropped tee with 'GOD's FAVOURITE' emblazzoned across the tits, knee high socks with Mary Jane shoes and bows in their hair: it’s Catholic style but make it sexy. The provocative and confrontational language used in this counter-Catholic aesthetic is desperate to declare that 'I no longer belong to you, God! I'm in control of my life now!' A visual FU to the years of shame and fear-mongering surrounding sexual identity, and desire to stand out as an individual. How better to piss off the Church that surpressed you for decades than to dress as a sexified version of the quintessential Catholic gurl.


Rebellion and Individualism:

In a secular post-modern time, we are increasingly driven by individualism. In the Western world at least, we are ruled by neo-liberal principles that encourage the individual to solely rely and focus on themself, and not work as part of a collective (Blakeley, 2021) We are surrounded by products that promise to maximise individual potential; from the myriad of self-help books, individual's reliance of on 'manifestation' to obtain desires and goals, body enhancements and beauty products, to our ruthless obession with fame, power and climbing to the top of the career ladder (Heintz, 2017).
TikTok is the light calorie alternative to the equally trust worthy (and scrumptits) fortune cookie xx                      






Just look at how far we are straying from collectivism: the decline in religious community (with a drastic jump from 75% Britons believing in God in 1981, to less than half in 2022) evidencing how Gen Z are the least religious generation compared to their predecessors (Kings College London, 2023). Or perhaps, the crumbling of the welfare state (from relentless cuts to the NHS, leaving dementia suffers to their own devices and the closure of youth inititives to name a few). And most recently, the neglect of elderly lives during COVID-19, to the current discussion of the End of Life Bill, we are a drifting society.

Some dubious about the proposed End of Life Bill are concerned that it could be used non-ethically against the disabled, elderly, homeless and improvished 



just reminicsing... addison rae getting cancelled for her 'father son and the holy spirit' bikini

Significantly, we notice that the majority of images and aesthetics associated with Catholic girl Core are hyper sexualised and ultra feminine. Think Lana Del Rey, Sabrina Carpenter and the glamour of the hyper-femme 2000s lacey, Coquette, girlish but sexy, diamente-cross drenched  celebrities like Victoria Beckham and Paris Hilton.
that's hot! 
mum and dad in the 90s

A visual protest against something that once symbolised repression and fear, turned into individualism and bold self-expression. It just so helps that the gold, glitzy, hyper-femme Catholic aesthetic is so fashion-coded, and popularised by celebs whose style we love and replicate. A secular society has replaced its idolisation of God, with the new-age idolisation of celebrity and the aesthetic.
colourised footage of the Virgin Mary being a MUA  


But is this all a sign of craving religion?

Humans are hard-wired to crave a sense of belonging... call that evolutionary survival tactics or call it a sign that we were made in the image of a higher creator.. A creator who craves a deep and personal relationship with us so much that He did something about it! And sent His son to Earth so that we could know and live through him. Before having a personal relationship with Jesus, I thought religion was just an excuse to control and fear-monger a society into submission and order. I had never considered that there was Jesus at the centre... which sounds odd considering every morning began with a prayer and I was Year 6's longest reigning Prayer Table Monitor . But hey! whatver floats your fishing boat!

There's a nostalgia in digging out your old Catholic memrobillia, and with nostalgia comes a deep sense of comfort. But what if this comfort is a sign of God drawing us deeper to Him? What if wearing a cross goes further than aesthetics... and deep down, we know there's a profound spirital meaning behind the cross. A cross that represents a God that loves and saves.

And whilst we cling onto the popular (and varryingly comforting),  man-made soul searching techniques of meditation, crystal girlies and human-focused spirituality, we are never too far from the next existental crisis. The big whats, whos and whys about life, our purpose and our existence. And surely only an all-knowing, all-loving, all-powerful God has those answers... So next time you're on Depop about to send a shockingly lowball offer on that pink diamente 'genuine 2000s, worn by Lindsey Lohan' cross necklace, why not be open to getting to know the God who created that cross because he la la la la la loves you. 



Sunday, 27 October 2024

An ode to One Direction's ridiculous song lyrics

X-Factor was nothing short of a miracle. 
X-Factor Series 6 provided panel shows and Britain Got's Talent amateur impressionists alike with the greatest Essex gift-wrapped prize; Stacey Solomon. Or perhaps your palette is more suited to series 9 where Gary Barlow blew my socks off into the top of the Eventium Apollo with his: "I don't know whats more offensive, your comments or that FAG ASH BREATH" zinger response to original female boss Tulisa.
feminism in colour, 2011
But most importantly, series 7 of XXL Factor birthed One Direction.  
It was a series that single-handedly corrected an otherwise accepted stat and fact via the medium of its 2010 boyband offering. This statistical urban legend that the Sexxy-Factor kindly refuted will send the National Census survey screaming:
  • Myth: there was an estimated 31 million UK population of men in 2010
  • Fact: in actuality, only 5 men actually existed in 2010 !!!! 
If you weren’t one of the big five (aka one of the one direction boys) then u were vaccuous space. Consider your manhood finito, kaput, nish, nada, gone. chopped liver. Nobody else would do (apart from maybe Robbie Williams) when it came to eligible bachelors.
Harry: the charmer
Niall: the Irish one
Louis: the cheeky one
Zayn: the mysterious one
Liam: 'Daddy Direction'

I suddenly had a tough decision to make. Which one of these boys would make me the happiest eight-year old alive? I had to choose one. This was a choice that would have serious implications. Which of these boys would I develop Stockholm Syndrome for when they inevitably kidnapped me as a sign of their undying love (as the majority of high calibre Wattpad fan fictions had convinced me would be the start of our love affair)?! Which of their surnames is the most compatible with my name? Fail to prepare, prepare to fail and all that razzmatazz. And which of their haunting ken dolls would I buy first?

the skinny, the bootcut, the Mom fit
But One Direction were not just heartthrobs, they were lyrical geniuses. These boys were boundary pushers- intent to push their luck and see just how much lyrical lunacy they could get away with.

Here are some of their stupidest lyrics:

“Waking up beside you, I'm a loaded gun, I can't contain this anymore” 
No Control

Kickstarting with a lyric that puts the rank in ranking, truly. Very vivid, very animalistic, very second amendment in the Constitution. Essentially, Louis Tomlinson scraping together a music career by singing about his raging morning glory. It’s giving NoFap. One strike and he’s out kinda behaviour if u get my jizzst.


“I can make your tears fall down like the showers that are British.”  

Over Again 

This lyric is crazy. So stupid. Barely even a half rhyme to its name let alone a full rhyming couplet to justify this ridiculous line. When I was a young thing I thought they were singing about bathroom showers - as in TopTiles power shower situation. Growing up is when u realise they’re making a polemical jab at the wet wet wet British rainy weather ! Stupid and camp as Christmas.


“The words you whispered I will always believe, “I want you to rock me, rock me, rock me yeah”  

Rock Me 

If someone whispered that they would like me to, please and thank you, rock them, I would personally NEVER believe. The One Direction boys talk like a book: a fan-fiction book written by 14 year old. 


"I want you to hit the pedal, heavy metal, show me you care. I want you to rock me, rock me… yeah”   

 Rock Me

Yeah sorry this one again! Not done with this harsh rock and roll number just yet. Whilst I subscribe to the ABAB rhyme scheme, the metal, biker, leather and broken bike chain imagery is so aggressive. Weirdly angst fuelled and pseudo sexy. I fear the boys are saying “treat me like a rag doll girly!!” Gender roles flipped I guess. A feminist anthem. Still, genre defining.


“My mother told me I should go and get some therapy. I asked the doctor ‘can you find out what is wrong with me?’ I don’t know why I wanna be with every girl I meet”  

Alive 

This song forced me to stop living in my Catholic shame drenched denial that the 1D boys were young, innocent and by no means…umm active. My denial reached heights I never thought i would reach in 2014, when news broke that Louis Tomlinson was fathering a child after a short lived fling! The birds AND the beas were part of One Direction. And as if I needed anymore confirmation that they were getting a leg over, they released ‘Alive’. An anthem all about their sex addiction. So crippling an addiction, their mother got involved to the point of medical intervention. And it gets worse! The girl in the song encourages him on the basis that, “hey, it’s alright! it makes you feel alive” #enabler #toxic


“With a sign on my back saying, "Kick me"
  Reality ruined my life (go, Tommo, go)” 
I Would 

If Hawaiian shirts and piña coladas had a Twin Flame, it would be this song. The Isle Of Fernando Spanish guitar scats at the beginning transport me to sun, sea, and reality ruining my life #every girl needs these 3 essentials in her holiday bag! 

talk about painting an image in the reader’s mind! So visceral, so April Fools. Bit of slapstick never fails. Kicking K on the back for Louis when he realises he’ll never compare to his love interest’s hot stuff boyfriend (“he’s got 27 tattoos” after all!) so he does feel the fool. Nice bit of oxymoron too with the teen angst ridden line that really ruined his life.

Go Tommo Go in the parenthesis adds a brownie point for group camaraderie and support. Still, one of 1D’s most iconic songs. Love her till the day reality ruins my life.

“She floats through the room on a big balloon”
Girl Almighty

This song is ramadanwith religious imagery, so the possibilities were vast when writing a metaphor to describe just how out of this world and divine this girly really is. But no, they settled on "big balloon". Images of trepidatiously straddling your legs over a ginormous space hopper spring to mind. Clumsy, out of control and butch. Sexy stuff. 


Long live One Direction. And rest in peace Liam Payne- you will be greatly missed. 

                   ðŸ’«Liam James Payne, 1993-2024💫




 

 

 

 


Tuesday, 8 October 2024

Confessions of a Barista #1


We've all seen those Primark slogan tops adorned by Facebook mothers and charity shop rails alike. The really high-fashion, haute couture numbers that give the reader strict instruction to: DO NOT talk to me before I've had my COFFEE. Unfortunately, due to the placement of your t-shirt's fontage, gives the unfortunate impression that the reader is staring straight at yer tits. As Katie Price once said say, the nipples are the eyes of the face. As you were.

Whether coffee is your morning glory, or you've trained your taste buds to simply tolerate coffee after the use and abuse of your mum's Pret Subscription (heaven truly has gained an angel)- coffee has become nothing short of an institution.  


The Barista Script



💓#DoNOTGetBritainTalking

I'm a barista (please to be confused with barister). So when people ask me what I do for a living, I tell them i'm a key worker. I might not get a NHS 10% discount but I do save lives. 

One frapalapamochacino at a time.

Being a barista is quite the universal experience. Whether you steam milk in a chain coffee shop or you faf about in an independent cafe with a silly, over-compensating name like Latte Ass or Your Fave Toxic-Expresso, all baristas are created equal. We are experts in fake laughter, caffeine dependency and over-handling the noisy milk steamer to cover up off-hand comments you make about that one overly-familiar customer. 

It's our job to make you feel welcomed in and relaxed and read the room. No shift is complete without tossing out lines from the customer service script. Customer who is a bit frazzled? Well... "It's because you haven't had your coffee yet!" Barely gets some air blown out of their nose for a response, let alone a proper laugh. But what's a polite puff of nose air between friends! 

When you ask if they would "like some sugar with that"? you hover for 2-3 business working days and fake laugh in anticipation for the inevitable "no thanks! i'm sweet enough" customer reply. Now That's What I Call Funny! 0121Rofl. 

A Venti please!


Personal Specification: I'm proficient in identity crisis and latte art


Being a barista, I find myself talking like I’m playing a caricature of myself. Most of the time, my brain doesn’t know what’s about to come out once my mouth has already begun the talking (mistake). In a desperate attempt to appease to the SW postcoded masses of whom I work for, I start referring to loyalty cards as ‘bad boys’ and call every other hot bevarage a ‘cheeky cup of Joe’.

The demographic for whom I so lovingly serve


During the hours of 8-3pm I do not know who I am. I lose myself to the music, the moment, the demographic. I'm a sponge for who and whatever the customer wants me to be. Call it immaculate customer service? I call it chronic people pleasing! xx 

I’ve started calling Freedom Pass holders ‘my love’ and in the last few months of employment, I've enjoyed more enthused conversations about house renovations and the perils of high cholestrol than I've enjoyed hot dinners! It's easier to be a YES MAN when the people slurping their skinny frappes clearly just want an ear to chat to. Plus, the retired Theatre Kid in me secretly delights in role-playing along with these cafe stock characters. Community service meets method acting.


Never work with kids or animals

Being a barista means you become the ultimate YES MAN. Forget the girl you are outside the hours of employment. You're now the everyman's confidant and therapist, the voice of wisdom and knowlege regarding just how ABSURB house prices and cups of coffee are these days, and the regent childminder, on foot to woo and coo and yabadabadoo about their sticky toddler who you swear is the "cutest baby i've ever seen! oh yes you are!" 

the baby in question #genderreveal
Worst of all are the trophy kids... Think trophy wife but 3 apples high and has an unhealthy babycino dependence (do NOT talk to me before I’ve had my Venti Skinny Babycino). 


What would you expect to look up and see after hearing the frenzied yelps of, "over here! excuse me! Come quickly!!"? The scene of a crime perhaps, or the breaking of some serious news per chance. How about just an obnoxiously-proud grandmother showing off their baby grandson who did something vaguely resembling a smile in your vague direction? Of course this justifies dropping EVERYTHING to marvel in wonder... the baby whose idea of a sick joke is decorating the floor with a village-worth of crossiant crumbs and Frube splodge every afternoon. If you're making coffee for the mums, babies and over-bearing grandkids, paint on that smile and make the best babycino yet-it'll make the hours fly quicker and the £11.44 p/h taste even sweeter.

Children are the future. But then again, so is Climate Change xx



Returning to Selly Oak's most iconic student bar, 'Circo' as a graduate

A graduate and another graduate walk into a student bar... ouch! Not a punchline, just an embrassing mental image of what we put ourselves t...