On February 24th 2024, I applied for my Scottish passport, popped on a Glasgow accent tutorial (aka mindlessly tapped the better half of my day through Ella from Love Island's Snapchat stories) and ate the hot girl Wonkidoodle diet consisting of 2 jelly jeans and a plastic cup of own brand lemonade. Because nothing tastes as good as having sugar coated veneers feels! Confused? #metoo. But if you can guess what i'm subtly hinting at, then, well... you must be chronically online! You'll understand I'm tarnishing my journalistic aspirations of being next to Jacqueline Wilson in the literary canon time on Blogger.com to introduce today's topic: THE WILLY WONKA EXPERIENCE.
i I owe the better part of this year to Scotland and its hand in what quickly became the most viral flop since crustless sliced bread. soggy! THE WILLY WONKA EXPERIENCE entered our brains and settled into our hearts when a photo of this girl emerged online:
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| pretty sure i got this Crazy Science! kit when I was 8 and made my very own 'lava lamp' (aka an old Lucozade bottle stuffed with food colouring stained vinegarette) |
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| the Wonkidoodle behind the smile: the actors who were hired to play the Oompa Loompas hide a world of pain, memes and CARTCHY tunes behind their smiles. |
A torn apart 'oompa loompa' with a shag haircut and a face that could launch a thousand ships. She looks like the kooky celebrity contestant that goes out in week 3 of Strictly Come Dancing after one failed comedic cha-cha too many. In a similar way that Zimbardo's Stanford Prison Experiment ended a week prematurely due to increasingly violent behaaviour, The WilsWonks Experience ended within a few hours of opening... only far more psychologically harrowing.
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| 'pasadisth' is saying 'paradise' with a mouth full of peas |
In a storm of piss poor AI designed promotional posters, clinically depressing ticket prices at £35 a pop, and promises of 'exarsedray lollipops', parents were keen to take their child for a fun-fuelled day out. Like Cadbury World but with less worker rights and even less Cadbury Misshapes. |
| more money than sense? Facebook mums bought tickets purely based on these AI-generated posters |
Imagine the worst Don't Tell The Bride venue decorations you've seen and then minus a couple more rented props...
this vibe! but oh so much more bleak
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| 'imagination lab' because they left EVERYTHING to the imagination |
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| i lurve minimalism! |
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| yes, a cheque is a cheque but this ain't worf being on my Monzo Wrapped |
Because God Forbid Roald Dahl sued for copyright! A close shave!!
In true WonkaEx style, the McDuff actor was given the script the Friday teatime before the Saturday's event. In equally lastminute.com style, an Oompa Loompa actor (sorry, 'Wonkidoodle') attended a dress rehearsal the day before the event and was handed her Amazon Primed costume the morning of.
The whole thing was a flop from head to tail. There was an imagined character called 'The Unknown' who is absolutely cack ur pants scary and sent kids home crying. But miss Unknown is Kunt and really said 'such such thing as small parts'! |
| Cher when she said 'mom i AM a rich man' |
People CALLED the POLICE because they were so outraged as the scammery and tomfoolery that they had entered into. Kids were crying. Jelly beans were rationed out to two beanz per kid. Skinnies!
But in true happy ending style...Felicia Dawkins (the superstar who brought 'The Unkown' to life) made a guest appearance at the London Dungeons due to her "clearly natural" acting skills when mastering "the art of the scare".
And! for the ultimate happy ending, Channel 5 made a documentary about the Wonka fiasco. And we all know the height of stardom is having a Channel 5 doc, whereby reality TV circuit goers pop 10pence into themselves and have a few words on the situation. Bisou!
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