Celebrity Big Brother 2024: episode one-as it happended

Celebrity Big Bruva 2024: episode one-as it happened

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= this... aka hard hitting journalism

In the style of this gorgeous The Guardian article thread I discovered.

Stuart Heritage, I’m picking up whatever it is that you’re putting down.

Please find my intensely ego-fuelled Celebrity Big Brother 2024: episode one-as it happened. Basically an excuse to spill my beans on my inner monologue, thoughts, feelings, sensations and exaltations in live-time, as the first episode of CBB happens.

Thank u for being an enabler. Hope i dont get infected with lactose intolerance as a cheese luver 02.

Chapter 1: Big Brother is lovingly concieved after his mum and dad have a special hug

21: 04

...in the Celebrity Big Brother house... 

"What on earth!"my dads singular contribution to the commentary, commenting on AJ’s bodysuit

21: 05

talking of RED and BODY shazzzzzza O! the woman whose photos adorned my uni bedroom celeb wall of fame star of the week shrine. The ozempic is calling hun. I can hear her through the fields of gold. I feel sick and I cannot WAIT for her and ‘ar Louis “sound like a popstar” Walsh to reunite and laugh David Ibiza Weekender out of the room.

21: 06

“huh” i gasp as Will mentions Shaz Ohhh yes is about to “meet her match with the other reality tv star”! Does this mean Louatron Walsh is about to go in!!! Oh shame.. turns out they are just personifying Big Brudha, and not our Wee Aunty Louis. Big Brudha is the Channel 5 delegation to Wee Aunt’s Channel 4 foundations.

21: 07

It’s at this moment, my attention is brought back to when Sharon forgot the name of her act on X Factor but you know “the songbird from (decliously vague) abroad” Sara Alto of Eurovision fame is just as good!

“ooh how fabulous”! A A La Carte classic Sharon O line that sounds like coming home! She is a walking caricature cum charcuterie board of herself. Emphasis on the cured meats.

21:08

Girl’s Aloud anthem Love machine plays so it has to be a A lister. They would never waste those Royalties on a lister past the D list. Oh! I’ve missed those Irish pipes of Louis 'you sound like a pop star' Walsh!

He's got husky in his old age!

21:09

Yes, Louis admits he goes to bed and gets up late! Louis let’s co-house together

Hes like a live action of Cebeebie’s Grandad in My Pocket

Hasn't aged a day since he was being kicked out of Dawn the Jockey’s audition by Simon. To reiterate, he does not look a day over Over 25s

21:10

“I just wanna be me” exclaims Louis Walsh,copyrighting CBB alumn gemma collins’ most profound quote

21:12

The audience cheer ‘woooop woooopp’ and i feel like i'm back in my SU

21: 13

Snatched sharon! The yassification of Shazza O

What’s she stuffing in her pocket and why do i think its ozempic! Sorry I can’t get over her transformation. I have a one track mind!

21:15

Aw iconic pairing i love my parents xxxx he gives me a reason to believe in St Paddy’s day.

My Mum walks in and asks me “uh! Why’s louis gettin involved in Sharon’s secret mission?!” -ok boys she's HOOKED

Chapter two: The gender reveal party.. it's a boy!

Ok boys we r back

21:18

AJ looks like a yassified Babybel and frankly it’s delicious

21:20

Oh stunning! Nikita from ‘never too early for a ten from Shirely Ballas’ Strictly fame! The rich man’s answer to AJ pritchard 

As Nikita shuffles down the runway and into the house, I cannot help but think he is stiff as a plank for a professional dancer.

21: 25

Mother Su time! Ekin Su! Our millennial mother and the UK’s answer to Lele Pons

21: 27

At this moment in time I am compelled to ask the CBB producers to bring in Ekin’s cocky young thing of a brother! He said on that one episode of Love Island: Aftersun that this isn't the last we have seen of him! Well…. It was…

21:31 Ok louis and sharon watching the housemates enter from a secret bunker. Mummy Su-next of Kin-Su should be Louis’s Mstermind category. He knows her inside and out! “She’s from Turkey, been on Love Island, been on everything”, her national insurance number and mother’s maiden name -he knows her!

Chapter three: Tea break time! The obligatory soap stars and TV estrellas production line

21:33

Colson Smith. The obligatory soap star. He seems a lush lad, won't last a day but i think he is a delight 

21 :35

I’m pretty sure his entire personality changed the min he got in the house. Did he just swear as he almost fell down the stairs! Colson giving us a sensory feast and telling us it “Smells of fresh paint”! Which I misheard as “fresh pain”. Oooo hang on we have an ‘ar Colson’ here, the people’s princess!

21: 37

A new housemate but waz iz name? Idk realistically we will be referring to him as the Uncle of Pippa baby got back Middleton.

Gary sounds like the man who narrates the Maccies adverts but considering the class divide, I would bet my bottom dollar that he's never bought a yellow sticker reduced item in his life.

21: 38

Gary claims that he is “Not that character you’ve seen in the press!”... babe… have we ever seen you in the press? No t no shade! Absolutely ZERO shade with that blinding white light white dinner jacket suit.

21 40 

Ok! The house band has arrived. The novel American. Seems like a nice southern belle with actual talent (says the girlie writing a minute by minute review of CBB #hardhittingjournalism)

Mum has declared her as her favourite based purely because she “likes an american”

Shes gorgina in her defence! Musician theatre kids always give me the squits however !!! i think i like her. Just a girl born to be on the stage a la Craig David Born To Do It.

21:47

YES! David Weekender. Always wearing shorts, this one, irregardless, (irreedosiclitious-how the wee lad actually spelt that word is a modern medical miracle) of rain or shine! The pins are out from this reality TV circuit runner star.

21:48

Some strong dialgoue here. 

David: “I’m so ready”

Will : “You are ready for it”

David “I’m so ready”

Truly evocative of Cheryl X Factoral “whenever you’re ready… i’m read” quip…

TV really does hold a mirror up to society.

21:51

Shaz and Louis in hiding. Colourized footage of our brave WW2 troops living in bunkers.

Chapter four: Big Brother's baby (step) brother once removed

21:52

Levi! a good time boy, in the time of Dragons Den where contestants walked up stairs and did not appear in the lift. ’Ar Industrial rev.

Oh I love Mr and Mrs louis walsh!

21: 53

I do not have much to say about Levi bc hes just a good time boy isnt he-fits right in its warming to see

21:55

Ok ok Zee Zee. On brand with our WW2 theme and donning tights evocative of WW2 gravy tights adorned by housewives of yonder year

21:57

Stunning fit though!!!! The bright lights of the city (aka the live stage) has brought her out of her shell. All talk and no gravy  tights? Hard to tell but reckon she will be a hoot or a handful.

She's so tall and eleganza!!!! I would fancy her if she was a 20-something man and dressed like a ragamuffin, owned dj decks and speaks like he's from the east end but grew up in teddington

21:59

Sharon brings us back to earth and comments on David’s “fruit and veg” that “are hanging out the front. Disturbing”. How rude Shazzle!

22:01

Is this Catheerine Tate in another yassified life! Or a character from the Catherine Tate Show per chance as I’m-pretty sure she was done on RPDR UK snatch game last year? No its Dawn the Real Housewife of Chesire!

22:02

This house looks like a hall of mirrors. Motion sickness just to get from a-z. Dawn walking in is evociative of those edited Britney Spears clips of heer walking into the Ellen Show in silence and audio is just her shoes click clap clopping

22:06

Louis tries but gets the family tree so wrong. “so she’s her mother’s brother’ (talking about the Uncle) ok louis! So wrong but come on pronouns! we like the over-egged attempt at inclusion

22:08

Oh for goodness sake! The Jonas Brothers’ 'Waffle House' is playing. That can only mean one thing.. It’s the obligatory youth of the house Bradley! There’s an ageist hate crime in there somewhere.

22:11

Sad thing is he's all smiles now but a week from now he’ll be hand shovelling baitly Harvest Morn corn flakes covered by a medical tape looking sticker into his gob, tears welling in his lush eyes as he watches his senior housemates battle it out week by week

22:13

Aw Nikita and Bradley bonding over designer suits. Showbiz! These two could be AJ and Curtis Pritchard in another life!

Chapter cinco: the grande finale!

22:16

Fern Rule Britainnia Britton! I just need her to tell us about the Schofe. Even if they have to cover up her chat with illicit bird call noises on the CBB Live Stream because she’s said too much that cant be aired to the public.

22:19

I like her, a Mother. In a different way that Ekin is mother but they could be blended family and raise me up so i could stand on mountains.and for this, I would thank my mums.

22:20 Louis: “Ferne Britton as they know her!” Well what else is she known as?! What do u know louis that you aren’t telling us Louis chops.

Meanwhile it’s 22:22 (A Ghost Story) and Sharon is increasingly looking like the Krakow Wax Museum version of herself.

22:23

Oh gosh the nominations callouts are giving me Paranoia PTSD throwback to my first year at uni first.

22:24 Celeb Big Brother Late and Live on ITV2 just been announced! Let’s hear some bird call.

22:28

All polished off with a delicious steaming cup of William Hill Vegas bingo ads!

Delicious !