episode two

Celebrity Big Brother 2024: live episode two-as it happened

You asked! I listened.

translation: You never asked and I did it anyway. ask for forgiveness not permission mwahahaha

Here u are 'av it. Big Brother live episode two-as it happened. Enjoy my dairy-free girls and guys xxx

a little visual context if u care to listen

+

=

quality telle

21:02

AJ! Will! Bob! These two dressed in black to grieve the inevitable Buncle's eliminash (never die for the eliminaysh)

state funeral for Buncle's elimation 2nite

21:03

Marcus Bentley wake me up! 

21:04

Ok David Weekender coining 'nama-slay'! Yassifying 'namaste' and Hinduism just like that. Weekender please don't give Primark any more ideas for more £6 T-shirt prints

21:05 

Lauren attempts to remember Colston' s name part 3 the remix. Corriander, collister, collainder, drain the pasta and leave some of the pasta water in and bone apple tits!

21: 06

Ok the house has been transformed into a celestial, spiritual retreat. Screenshots of these scenes with housemates donned in robes are evocative of a Netflix cult documentary... Or Holly Willoboobie's This Morning segment on Bowl Therapy. Same dffierence 

21:07 

Housemate are gagging from drinking what looks like a £4 Pret Ginger shot. 

Ever since Chris Maloney a la cruise ship X factor singer fame habitualy gagged and threw up in tense times and having to eat a century egg in the CBB house,, I have an affiliation for CBB housemates gagging. It feels like coming home to me. or like going to a PRYZM bathroom

'VOMITS'

photos moments before disaster

21:11

Oh to be awkwardly standing there in the audience. yes! guy in the end give us nothing !

21:17 

Will looks like ben shepard innit anyway

21:18 

The housemates are playing a circle game and Gary's been asked if he's found peace with himself. Will he mention being a self-titled national villain aga- oo yeh there we go!

21:20 

Which housemate inspires Sharon the most? Levi. If a slapped arse and Louis had a special hug, it would create Louis' face.

Ugh stiop the tears everyone and someone kick off it's far too emotive!

21:23

Oh Gary's still yapping about being a villain in case you forgot (or never remebered in the first place xxx)

21:25 

I've never needed to see Sharon sucking a choc ice and slagging Buncle off before 25 past nine this Friday evening more. Ekin, Louis, Shaz are the new holy trinity in my life since my Christian girl rennaisance. 

21:26

Omg Ekin thinks Davide is her soul mate. PLEASE! THIS! this is what i pay (i don't pay) taxes for

21:17

Davide in his 'hoe phase' according to the girlies. And Ekin making bait comments but finishing them with 'oh no but I shouldn't talk about this' shines a line on the Year 9 Snapchat stories claiming 'off snap for 9 hours nr **** knows why :'( don't pop up'. She's breadcrumbing us but not baking the full loaf. There's a lot of potential T here from Mummy Su we'll just have to be patient!

21:28 

AND NOW! Sharon claims 'Simon doesn't know how to keep friends' that's actually wild

omg

now we talking contracts! i love being a business woman and understanding the ins and outs of Simon's contractual mess. oh my sugar tits Louis and Shaz slagging Simon's X Factor's chat this is genuinely history in action and I would not make jokes about something so serious.

21:30

Not Louis slagging Simon literally asking contestants their name and how old they are aka basic conversational skills. Louis would literally slag a baby learning its first words he's that vinegar tits!

Sharon impersonating 'having a second track up my arse' is nothing short of pop culture iconography.

21:33 (or thereabouts)

Housemates are called for a house announcement. Louis looks seasonly Easterly, like a freshly washed chick. Sweet.

21:36

Fantastic monotonus tone of mr Big Bruv reciting the screenplay of Louis and Laurens' forbidden conversation about nominations. No emotion and even worse delivery it's nice.

21:37 

I just know Lauren is sweating like a fiend in that PLT latex bodysuit. She better do the seat shuffle a few seconds before she gets off the sofa to cover her tracks-quicker than you can say 'Jacques from Love Island skiddy underpants'.

21:40

let's recap quickly lauren and zeze argue because lauren said that zeze 'hates' her hence her nomination blah blah louis and lau get shoved in a Wheelie Bin of Shame (don't ask). The bin is pink and camp as tits #pride #ally. ElandEl have a mothers meeting a la PTA meeting in their bin and write a soggy excuse of an apology letter.

21:50

Please find a transcript of some postmodern slam poety from tonight's apology. 

Poets are Lauren Belinda Simon and Michael Louis Vincent Walsh.

First performed on CBB, 9 March 2024.

Stanzas are performed in ABAB rhyme scheme: 

It was totally banta 

'To all of the housemates here

we are deeply sorry for any upset that we have caused today

it was totally banta

and we are

really

really?

sorry

Lauren and Louis'

Cannot wait to watch Mr Bruff's Youtube annotation video of this poem! My GCSE Power and Conflict anthology has never been so threatened.