advent calenDUH! day 5

if i know anything

and i know things

(i got a 4 in GCSE maths and can recite the whole cast, crew and runners of X Factor 2009)

and something else i know to be true, is that 2024 was the year of the REBRAND

Addison Rae

this looks like signage on the front of an off- license 

i'm ashamed to say this but in the name of pride, I missed out of 2 months of unbridled earjoyment. i refused to listen to Addison Rae's 'diet pepsi' because i was prideful and probably hated myself and so deprived myself of good things and happiness aka addison rae's silly music career. 

i felt bemused and envious of her new found pop princess status (when i've been asking the pop princesses to save me a seat for the last decade), the extremely Lana Del Rey inspired lyrics and the newfound appreciation of diet pepsi (when the sheep and goat amongst our population always vehemently swore they would die on the hill of Coke). As far as I was concerened, Addi was the TikTok girl who dug her acrylics into fame but found the nail adhesive always became unstuck. But music! well many have tried it: Kim K, Melissa Gorga, and unshakably Katie Price. so yes many have tried, and many have failed (Katie Price u are exempt from this xx) But Addison Rae drank the elixir of PR genius. It's like  a J20 but much more delicious and rich in marketing probiotics. After some crazy stabs at the acting world, and an obligatory energy drink collab, she finally did it! Addison commited to the rebrand with a very annoyingly good song. stupid good song that makes me wait in nail biting anticipation for the sensational key change. and then she chucked another great song at us, Aquamarine. She let Tik Tok die so that we may live. A collab with Brat of the year Charli XCX helped to put her on the radar. it all adds up. makes u think. god bless our prozzyident.

JoJo Siwa 

like most things you can find in your local Wetherspoons, Jojo Siwa's rebrand is not great, but, it is iconic. it's a bit weird and a bit.. well, a bit shit really, but after a few Greene King Abbot Ales, you start to warm to it. You view it with the same sympathy-drenched affection and fondness as you do when u see the Spoons regular on his lonesome, at his usual table triple parked with with his usual army of Stellas. JoJo was keen to assert herself as a gay icon popstar, worlds away from her Claire's Accessories range of bows, Dance Moms child star, North West party entertainer, adult baby vibe.

 

But in a way that Addison Rae has been able to rebrand herself with a fun, camp but sexy self-awareness, JoJo has just gotten too self, and not enough aware. I do think a successful rebrand relies on being able to take the piss of your cringe past, whilst firmly adopting a new image and sound that still feels authentic. Jojo barely takes the piss out of her bow-clad self, and her new style is just a level up from her previous brand. in a different font. like if Kidzania rebranded into Teen/YoungAdultZania. 

When Jojo released her journey of a song, 'Karma', she unfortunately said that she invented a new genre of music: gay pop. a) that's like saying u invented air: it's been around for yonks, it's begotten not made etc etc b)and at least make a song that's physically impossible to not dance to!! (unfortunately, it sounds like a bootleg Cascada circa 2008, but not in a good way). Jojo was also under fire for stealing another artist's song. And the bootlegXtreme Kiss outfit just looks like a variation on the Dance Moms fits she would have worn as a wee child star. still, it's iconish.

Russell Brand (TBC this one)

Big Brother's Big Mouth host, reformed sex and drug addict, stand up comic, conspiracy theorist to name a few. Yes, all sound like Uni Sport Night themes, yet they are just a few of the many personality traits/ Brand has been over the course of his 49 years. Then last year, Channel  4 Dispatches shone the light of Brand's alleged rape, sexual assualt and emotional abuse from at least 4 different women. Whilst firmly denying these allegations, Brand adopted yet another new personality trait: Christianity. Although he appears to still be a mad conspiracy theorist and was seen flogging a £188 'magic amulet' on his TikTok that protects him from evil Wifi signals, evil energies and lethal signals from Airports and Wifi? Slay mumma.

So a Christian and a Crystal girly? A bit of a shitmix, dirty pint, Kings Cup realness. Having been baptised in the River Thames this April, by fellow Christian pal Bear Grylls, Brand has said that his journey to Christ is a chance to die and be reborn again. In light of the recent allegations made aginst Brand, many are dubious about the sincerity and the timing of this sudden call to faith.. but let's hope and pray that God is working on Russell and that Russell is all ears to what Jesus has for him.

because

Christian Russell Brand sounds like one of those couples costumes that are always crude as tits and in awful taste. The guy would be dressed as a priest and the girl would resemble an erotic Transformer, decked out in all 25 Days of her Love Honey Advent Calendar stuck to various parts of her body.

Advent CalenDUH! #4 cuatro fromaggi

 2024: the year of the celebrity feud

Every year has their Family Circle selection box of celebrity fights and unexpected feuds. This year was no exception. Thank God. Celeb petty spats keeps the world spinning and the Daily Mail journalists in a job.

Blake Lively VS Justin Baldoni

if i was forced to wear that red wig i too would be off my rocker and roller

Everyone suddenly seemed to be hook line and sinkered to an author called Colleen Hoover and her book 'It Ends With Us'. Apart from seeing the cover plastered over every micro-influencer's Snapchat stories, it was announced that the book written by the world's third most famous Colleen was becoming a 2024 film. Propped up by Hollywood's very own iron curtain of a couple that is Blake Lively and her hubby Ryan Reynolds (who were both heavily involved in the production of the film) the film resembling a Channel 5 daytime movie, quickly became hugely anticipated. However the cast rivalry became the main event. Rumours flew from all directions: accusations that Baldoni fat-shamed Lively when he wanted to know her weight before picking her up in a scene, to none of the cast mentioning Baldoni in the press tour, Hoover unfollowing Baldoni on Insta, to the alleged rumour of creative differences. The metaphorical she/it hit the fan with the writer's room drama. Appaz, both Lively and Baldoni directed their own cuts of the film and when shown to audiences, the latter's cut was a standout fan fave. But with the allure and power of Ryan Reynolds along with his buttering up of Hoover, Lively's cut (and her version of the film poster) won the race. Peak

Sabrina Carpenter VS Camila Cabello

This drama was so powerful it literally birthed Carpenter's song 'Taste'. The disheveled will they/won't they couple, Camila Horse in Spanish and Shawn Mendes faced the wrath of the other woman, Miss Sabs Carpenter.  It's a messy love Isocoles, with Shawn supposdely having a brief fling with Sabs, before shortly being seen with his (now ex-again),Camila very soon after. It's been an ambush of indirects, shady song lyrics and sneaky sneaky wordplay. Say what you will about miss senorita, but strong points were made when she purposely a finger over her lips instead of finishing the line 'but friends don't know the way you..' (guys the final word in this lyrics is 'taste'! aka the title of Sabrina's song that discusses the somewhat messy overlap of the fling). Exhausting

Drake VS Kendrick Lamar

Not really my stratesphere but I did see a lot of this fued against my will. I realised the depth of this drama when I saw a joint tip jar in Joe & The Juice that had one side for Team Drake and one for Kendrick. Dirty money talks. Apparently a big part of rap culture is diss tracks and huge racks (made the last chunk up becasue the ABAB rhyme scheme was there on a paper plate). So after years of diss tracks and i'm better than you lingustics, Drake appaz took it too far (there's always one) and slagged of Kendrick's long time, behind closed doors girlfriend (the number ONE sacrilige of diss tracks). Then King Kenny fired back with some lyrical genius about Drake: 'tryna strike a chord and it's probably A Minor' (allbeit, a hefty lyric loaded with explosive accusationss). Drake denies these accusations obv. Plus Millie Bobbeh Brown is married off now so what's the point. Jk jk xxxxx

why was 6 scared of 7? because millie bobby brown was Drake's 11/10

Advent CalenDUH! TRESsa May #3

 Brat Summer! Love it, hate it, look hot when ur bumping it- whatever your poison, brat summer took over like thighs to a leather sofa during British Summer Time.

Brat (coined after Charli XCX's latest album) was crowned Collins word of the year. Charles XCX really did a number on us and became brat of the year after a career of scaling the walls of greatness and for thinking that this was was big inGermanywhatthefuckahhhh.

Like the rise of any good trend, brat summer was over as soon as it began. The true essence of bratation, is being brat without EVER saying I’m brat. I think therefore I am (not). I do however, enjoy how the world’s embrace for brat has normalised pseudobrat behaviors ie; being hideously late to everything and anything, using your mouth as your drinking vessel to mix drinks in on a night out, and raw dogging a couple of lint encrusted Extra gums (cool breeze only) in the pocket of your jeans bc you’ll never buy your own tub. I like that. What I don’t like is actively doing ratty things just so u can say ‘it’s brat summer’ afterwards. Losing the charm babes. Myself and a friend once discovered a member of staff had left the bar's vault door open. The dungeon held all the good stuff; your Moets, your Cirocs, your Pinots, your VKs and what have you. We strolled in and each of us brazenly popped a bottle of prosexual (Prosecco) into our bags (big slouchy bags because it’s brat summer and little tiny tingy bags jusy won’t accommodate the props needed to be a brat!) steal from the rich, eat the rich, give to the poor !

this was brat for two reasons:

A felonious crime of passion involving a trashy, post-ironic alcohol of choice (the more on the nose alcohol, the better ie, prosexxy, Chardonnay, Lambrini)

We became the life and soul when we popped open our bottles on the dance floor

It was very anti-brat however, when my friend announced ‘it’s brat summer!’ after our petty theft had been committed. being self-aware is hot but checking your brat privellge is not bratty. it's brattish. difference.

Appaz the brat way of life comes after its predecessor trend of the clean girl aesthetic; a trend glamorising  minimalism, sleekness, slick hair, quiet luxury, and all round having your sugar honey iced tea together. Meanwhile brat is cheap, easy and messy. Come as you are ; unwashed hair, last night's makeup, 3 hours of sleep and a carefree, messy nature to your name! According to founding father Charli, brat is a bold and brazen party girly who says dumb things, parties through the mess that is her life, wears a strappy top, no bra and loves herself unapologetically (but is probs on the cusp of an existential 24sev). Yes, aka, means whatever you want it to be.

bratz inc: kamala harris

this sausage sandwich

and julia fox 

brat summer was over as soon as people started to catch on that brat was in the air. perhaps a symptom of its predecessor trend: rat summer, brat summer was a blip better left behind in 2024. 

ADVENT CALENDUH! numero duo

The rise of lookalike competitions!

pretty sure he offered me this vape in the Infernos smoking area last Friday night 

I love how 2024 became the year where lookalike competitions became an accepted form of social gathering. My sister Pom and I have a God-given gift of pinpointing people's lookalikes. We will bestow A-Listers and family friends with their doppelgangers, plucked from pools of A-Listers and Z-Lister faces a like- all shitmixes of faces are created equal. It's a bittersweet symphony seeing a man from Leicester get applauded on his gene pool simply because he bears a lukewarm resemblance to Harry Styles. It's genetic engineering but make it organised fun! It's silly fun and a perfect opportunity to find a boyfriend that is a low rate Timmy Wonka Chalamet. Or even bag yourself the real thing if it's anything like the lookalike event where the real Zimmy Zimmy made a cameo! 

There have also been Harry Styles, Heath Ledger, Zayn Malik and Dev Patel contests to name a few.

this Harry Styles contest line up if The Vamps and The Wanted got a freebie

There has been a Paul Mescal lookalike competition where in true rat king culture, the winner won 20 euro (or 3 pints).

if this was a party shop unofficial costume for Connell from Normal People, the outfit would be labelled 'handsome irish fella who has mental elf issues but is troubled in a hot way TV character'

There's been a recent influx in these lookalike contests that have seemingly sprung up from nowhere.  Stuart Heritage offers a few meaty theories that might explain this sudden trend: 
-good publicity for the celebrity in question (or, I suggest, great publicity and 5 seconds of fame for the contest winner)
-an external protest against the increasingly sinister rise of AI and deepfakes
-just a bit of wholesome fun amidst a storm of globally troubling times

https://www.theguardian.com/culture/2024/nov/12/celebrity-lookalike-contest-chalamet-mescal

Fun! I fear if there was a lookalike contest for me, a load of Micheal Jackson lookalikes who just happened to be in the local area would pop along and give it a go xxx

Advent calenDUH! day numero unero 1

tits the season to be merry, bright and shooting off obnoxiously lowball offers on Vinted as your last minute christmas buying kicks in.

because i don't really have a grandparent to my name anymore, my parents think i'm not a child anymore (literally don't know what this is about) and i'm too stinge to buy a £1 advent calendar on myself, I have decided to make my own advent calendar via the medium of Blogger.com

Yes, I'm polluting my digital footprint for every day in December. And no, I won't have the cheap thrill of saving up 5 chocolate windows and binging on them all in one hit. But, if Zoella can do Vlogmas, then I can do this Advent CalenDUH! As the famous saying goes! Rome wasn't built in a day but Zoella's infamous advent calendar sure was 

So welcome to the cheese board you weren't expecting on Christmas... Cheeseluver02 counts down the 24 most iconic moments of 2024

it's not a brie wheel but it sure does have a honk to it!

the lipstick is nothing short of the woman from CBBC's 'Trapped'

yer trapped

Day number one: the highs and lows of CELEBRITY COUPLES 2024

barry and sabrina i am coming for you

Love, Instagram breakup statements and ozempic is in the air. 2024 was a big year for many celebrities' luv lives. For many, it was time to ditch the doomscrolling of Raya, whilst others were struck down by Cupid's NERF Rebelle arrow <3 

There are some shockers, some long-time-coming-ers and some white bread+coke mixes (aka a combo you wouldn't necessarily put together, but when they're all smooshed and mixed up in ur mouth, are actually rather pleasant).

handbag essentials: every girl needs their own 'heartbreaker bow and arrow'

Millie Bobby Ooooh and BJ child got mazatroned!

britney 2007 <3

Child bride realness!

she'll always be my buzzcut baddie ! Our ‘11 secured the nepotism bloodline and wedded Jake Bonjela. Bored by 7, left moving things with my mind at 11, married at 20

Tommy Furyious and MollyMae called it quits

This one cut me deep and I do get deep about these things actually. I had to leave my seat I’ll be honest with you. I stand with my comfrafes who took sick leave in the wake of this news. Just hope Bam Bam

ratty healy and gabbriette get engaged

 And I know i shouldn’t be jealous but I’m confused because i am jealous. Do I want to be her or be with her?  She looks like my bratz doll (in the words of Sophie, or is it Olivia) in Cameron Diaz sci-fi thriller classic 'The Holiday'. Or do I want to be the awful wedded wife to ratty Healy (I don’t want to be him! way too much effort batting of the Swifties with a long stick)

Jlo and Bflick
devvoed! As someone who has an unhealthy obsession with soul mates and all that cup a soppy stuff, I was rooting for you. We were all rooting for u. Just do it for ur people. Give them another 20 years and the care home love affair will be electric. We have hope.



King Kylie and Timmy Wonka
"Dada Tiny tim  can u buy me a lip kit for Christmas in
Ompa lumpa flavour please" or cousin Northie will put u in the Wonka Experience

king kylie 2016 era

Irish coffee

That’s that me Irish coffee cream liquer ! Sabrina Carpenter and BArry Keodofjosjdf had to be the most unexpected couple ever! how did they meet? what do they talk about? has sabrina tried Taytos yet? A couple of chaos I fear. Always fun to see the man behind the lyrics of 2024’s anthems such as Juno and BedChem

maya and stormzy
the people's princesses. wish they stayed together. that's all i want for rizmas.

eamon and ruth


Wff I can’t believe I’m the child of divorce. Never forget my glory days of spending my Friday free period at home watching itv+1's (now, somewhat disgraced) 'This Morning'.Ruth and Eamon would be giddy with excitment talking about their weekly ‘Friday fun’ session… clearly a last ditch attempt at relighting that fire that Take That spent all of the 90s trying to do . Then they did 'Celeb Googlebox' just as a last cry for help. Always a passion killer having your box viewing sandwhiched between Ellie and Izzie of' Leeds chatting about their latest diets.



lana del rey and aligator man

2024 was THE year of coquette, bows and Mary Janes that finally don't look like a orthopaedic shoe! lana married Jeremy Dunfrene aka an aligator tour guide. I don't know why we are all so panicked about AI and ChatGPT- Lana Del Rey is literally an AI version of herself at this point. cig, older man with guns and God, cherry day dreams, oh I'm a sad woman be my bad baby la la la.



talulah riley and the wee boy from Love Actually 

Miss Evangelista having a hoot on the snapchat filterz

I’m glad the print magazine industry is  gasping its last breath because seeing a picture of talulah riley as Miss Evangaleista in my sister's Doctor Who Magazine taught me to NEveR! eve. DTB. Ever. Again.

Francesca Farago and Jesse Sullivan

Francesca farage has finally had the twins and I may have not been an official step mum, but i was the mum that stepped up. I was there 24/7: in the middle of the night, on my way to work, on the toilet, I have worked day and night to watch her snapchat stories and keep updated with the twin's progres.

I have a friend who took a trip to the loo at work dedicated to watch her Snapchat stories talking about the birth. The influencer family continues.

Catherine and Austin Mcbroom broom

I’m forced (it's my own active choice unfortunately) to watch his Snapchat stories for some reason.  Have watched some of their prank videos for educational  reasons and been led astray by click baiting Snapchat articles  about his alleged cheating rumours.  Whatever happened, i was discombulated by seeing that miss Catherine is loved up with a new man ! reminder to check in with influencers more often because they change like the wind.

Hannah Montana's mums marries the sisters fling

What big eyes you have! All the better for stealing Amy daughters dont friend dear! Miley Cyrus's sister Noah was going out with her current mother's husband! trial shift vibes


Gypsy rose gets back with the ex! 
paternity results on insta is the brat summer agenda.




Rebel wilson
Miss Rebel did a full 180 and married her wife Ramona this year. And her Pitch Perfect love interest Ben Platt also got married to his husband this year. How the tables do turn turn in the Barden Bella stratesphere!


Jon Richardson and Lucy Beaumont Dave classics 
aka the Dave JaVu classics you would never know the names of but would recognise from a lineup. a shame this one. British comforting classics that u assume go to the pub and still have a laff together and get on like the next a southwest london family.

Ekin su and Dave 

MamaSu and Davide called it quits after promises of being our generation's Posh and Italian. best to leave that one in 2024 and get ekin back on celeb big brother all stars.