An ode to Spoons: Wetherspoons Bingo

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Spoons isn't just an establishment synonymous with cheap booze and an audaciously long menu- it is an institution. Wetherspoons is the great British equaliser. The British boozer that is fun for all the family, welcoming pre-borns, new borns, baby re-borns, teens, Millennials, mid-life crisis dons, pensioners, and all those in between with open arms. 

It's cheap, cheerful (in a butter-face kinda way) and by God is she comforting. There's something in the familiarity of the extensive yet consistent drinks list, the budget prices and funny knock-off alcohol brand names, right down to the carbon copied, archetypal personalities that inhabit every Spoons across the cuntry, no matter the postcode. Everyone has their favourite Spoons, and locals will claim that theirs is the best- but they're all cut from the same cloth. I've acquired a tic that sees me point and exclaim 'aw it's a Spoons' everytime I walk past one. Real recognises real and the heart wants wot the heart wants.. And what it wants is a Strikabomb followed by the 3 for £12 small plates, followed by greasy fingers, followed by a Poretti. I'm just a fifty-year old bloke in a 23 year old's bod.

THIS Corky's propaganda
was taken in V-Shed, Bristol's finest establishment

Spoons plays a big role in British culture. It IS British culture: selective multiculturalism (because Spoons Tuesday curry club is safe, but serving EU-sourced alcohol is tooo much of a cultural exchange!!), lone men day-drink as an act of patriotism, and when brought together inside those 4 sticky walls, even the coldest of Brits defrost and are up for nattering with a stranger. Plus, the booze is cheap as tits!! It's pub culture yassified. No matter what corner of the UK you're in, when you're in Spoons, you know you're in safe hands- they don't have Ask for Angela posters plastered on the bathroom walls for nuffin!!!! xxxx

My first taste of the high life began in the Putney Spoons, The Rocket and it tasted like the dishwater-brown notes of Green King Abbot Ale. I was 18 and dizzied by the novelty of it all- this unassuming green, bitta-plastic ID card opened doors to a world of possibilities, incited by the purchase of my first legal pint. The cost? £1.29 The product? My debut into adulthood. Spoons is there for you when the Fullers pubs are full and Youngs is ageist. Spoons will have ya gladly, get in. Milestone life events? Birthday? Bought a good top on Vinted? Degraded yourself for an ex? Celebrate it in Spoons. Mental breakdown? Spoons. Post-work slosh up? Spoon it in my gob. Multi-faceted till its dying day.

Three girls in spoons, colourised, 2023 

And even if Angela is being asked for one too many times (which when in Spoons, it's highly likely), you know the people watching will provide the most impeccable in-house entertainment. Spoons (which are typically huge gapping rooms with sticky carpets and gauche lampshades) are bursting with lone drinkers, stag dos, sloshed up mums and doe-eyed tourists from dawn 2 dusk. It's the filthy-rich tapestry of Bri'ish society. Fill your boots with a plate of chunky chips, an ambiguous slab of meat, poppadums' and a pint for the price of less than a meal deal, and take a front row seat as you watch life unfold. You could spend a full day in Spoons without anyone blinking an eyelid or making you feel as though you've overstayed your welcome. As Molleh-Mae said, we do all have the same 24 hours guys.... so let's just spend them sat in Spoons. Come on Bam Bam. Whether you're feeling voyeuristic, or you want to throw yourself into the socialite opportunities, and get involved in the action, Spoons are gapping vats of anonymity, drizzled with possibility. 

the people's prinny xx 

For us veterans of the best Spoons on the planet, (Hammersmith's William Morris), a trip to WillMo could end in multiple possibilities: a quick in-n-out pint, ending up peeling your shoes from the sticky Belushi's dancefloor next door, a chat with the local crooner, an extensive family reunion, or finding yourself posting your table number on your Snapchat story, receiving shit-mix orders to your table and then trotting off to an afters in a semi-detached in Barons Court. The paths are endless, but there's one thing guaranteed: it starts at Spoons.

If I ever had the pleasure of starring on '60 Minute Makeover', I would ask for THIS palace to be the blueprint.

Thanks to the Wetherspoon franchise's generous helpings of so much visual stimuli and entertaining scenes, my pal and I decided to milk it. We did what all greats do after lacing our throats with 3 Bells and Diet Cokes, and turned Spoons culture into a drinking game. A poor man's Spoons Bingo, if you will. And will you? You probs should.. 

Let's play Spoons Bingo:

The rules are extensive. Drink for everything you encounter on the list. Personalise her, make her your own. And most crucially, it's not about what Spoons can do for you, but what you can do for Spoons. 

Ultimate Spoons Bingo 

• A regular is at the bar

At WillMo, our go-to regular is an old fella whom we call 'Lips'. He has the biggest lips in Britain and its all his own work

• Get chatted up by someone 40+

You'll know it's happening because they've been looking at your table for the last 5-10 minutes

• Bump into a primary school classmate 

The novelty wears off very quickly after the initial thrill of seeing someone who was 3 apples high when you last saw them goes. You'll spend the next two hours trying to avoid eye contact.

• Bartenders are 2 busy flirting to take your order

It's like Primark staff flirting but more aggressive

• Someone’s reading the Spoons magazine like its hard hitting news

Carrie Bradshaw would rather buy the Spoons News mag over dinner, because it feeds her more x

• Tourist tries to order via table service 

They're confused, gormless but they're getting the full British experience.

• Spoons Roulette gets played

The staff must be SICK to the back teef of delivering their fifth tray of a glass of milk, a shot of tequila rose and one singular egg of the night and still pretending its funny

• Bells gets sold out

I swear the minute I told people that Bells is the cheapest liquor, it started becoming sold out. Let's gatekeep Britain's worst-kept secret.

• Approached in smokers 

For a light, a chirpse, some spare change- anything goes in the smokers pits of hell

• Compliment from a girl in the bathroom  

Thank you diva, but its the Stella talking

• Girl crying in the toilet

The point remains.. its the Stella talking.

• +1 point if a gaggle of girls ascend to console her and tell her she's beautiful 

I heart feminism.

• Vape cloud coming out of a toilet cubicle

Nothing says Spoons couture like hot boxing the cubicle with triple razmadaz melon. I would bet my bottom dollar, there will be Adidas sambas, dolly pumps or cowboy boots sticking out from under the door.

• Sit on the chosen table #bestseatinthehouse

The stage, or the booth ONLY, with the panopticon view. I will not be silenced to sit in the cheapseats by the fire exit.

• Find a Lost Mary and play TEN inside

She was lost, but now she is found. (if you have never played TEN, the rules kinda do what it says on the tin).

• See a shared mutual

Because where else will worlds collide but Spoons!?

• Strika Bombs

Sickened but I shall not grace my lips  with the alternatives- skittle bombs or fireballz. Ughhhhh.

• Someone buys you a drink

Admittedly, would hit more in a pub where it costs an arm and your third leg for a drink but I'll take it!!

• Panic searching ‘clubs open near me’

Remember that Strika Bomb from a few mins ago.. blame her.

• Panic booking Uber to the ‘club near me’

Won't waste a minute of drunkenness on 7 night buses thank you xxx

• Intense Eye contact with someone

A look of fear, love, lust? All three.

• See someone getting kicked out

If its not debauchery, its not Spoons!!!

• Lone drinkers strike up convo with each other <3

Spoons, bringing people together since 1979. 

Love u spoons!!!  u  r my dream girl