Chronic nostalgia, and its role in the fallout of heartbreak.
As far as incredibly sentimental creatures go, human beings are pretty high up there.
We are a chronically sentimental race. If you slice us open, we bleed nostalgia and melancholy (followed by a cloud of semi-crystallised triple melon vape smoke). The state of the human condition is deeply nostalgic; an (un)fortunate side-effect of exposing oneself to love and loss.
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| I'm so chronically nostalgic that whenever I bite into a jellybean, I start mourning my childhood because the taste reminds me of the jellybeans included in a 2008 Puppy in my Pocket blind bag.ifykyk |
And what's nostalgia's favourite coattails to ride on? Heartbreak. Even our earliest ancestors would've experienced a sense of heartbreak, given that social bonds were fostered as a means of survival. Thus, losing these bonds would cause disruption and heartbreak served as a mechanism to strengthen relationships (Moser, 2023). And as humanity progressed, as did heartbreak and the meanings we attach to it.
The mess that we call dating, in 2025:
As modernity continues to evolve, as does love and heartbreak. We are a generation both doomed and determined by dating apps, disillusioned by the grey areas of situationships and talking stages and constantly juggling the ever-changing sexual politics of today. These perils that mark 2025's dating landscape are driven by 'me culture' (Ashley, 2024) where love-seekers are encouraged to date with a vengeance, dropping and blocking anyone who doesn't maximise our romantic potential, before quickly moving onto the next. Whilst the millennium promised an exciting new future of hope and possibility, we pine for the ‘good old days’ more than ever, as we romanticise the old-fashioned ways of dating that our parents and grandparents enjoyed.
On the other side of the coin, there are those of us who still pin our hopes on modern romance. These are the sillies of us who create internal mental scripts of future dates based on one or two (very mid) Hinge chats. Or those of us who after two years of being ghosted, still pine over that one situationship and fantasise about shacking up together in an E1 postcode.
And worse of all, there are those of us who have actually braved a relationship... and consequentially suffered the fallout. We mope and mourn a love lost, feasting on the only piece of the relationship that we have left: memories and nostalgia.
The gilet-donning brains and Brians of Capitalism have monetised our heartbreak. We nurture this booming industry by buying into breakup self-help manuals, life coaches (Standley Allard, 2025) 'revenge body' workout plans, which are up-sold by the 'get under someone to get over someone' promise of dating apps. The breakup industry capitalizes upon the promise that, as soon as the breakup is 'solved', you are the curated, maximised, ultimate, money can't buy product.
Micro-nostalgias and the mundane reminders:
The aforementioned sells us a dream that sounds great, but the reality is a little different. Yes, you might have blocked the ex, adopted a life coach and undertaken a fitness regime that would make Dr Christian from Channel 4's Supersize vs Superskinny proud, but these solutions fail to target the true demon of the breakup... The insidious, little splinters that remain untouched and exposed in the broad daylight of day. The everyday mundane things, splintering into micro aggressions that serve to remind you of your broken heart. It might not be your ex themselves, but its everything that was once attached to them. The songs you listened to together, your comfort TV show, the country of your fist holiday together. After all, when you commit to sharing a life with someone you don't just co-exist as two separate entities but share all the titbits in-between: the places, the songs, the friends... the memories.
It can drive you insane trying to avoid everything that instantly transports you back in time; both to the good and the bad times. My mum still can't listen to 10CC's I'm Not in Love, without talking about her devilish Italian ex. Arrivederci babes. Even ar' Chappell Roan is a victim of these micro-nostalgias. In her new song The Subway she sings, 'A few weeks later, somebody wore your perfume, it almost killed me, I had to leave the room'; a relatable lyric about the overwhelming emotional response that arises after smelling a scent that reminds you of someone you once loved.
Nostalgia is a psychological phenomenon used to create emotional buffers against trauma and unpleasant feelings (Mars, 2024). Perhaps this is why post breakup, we become astutely aware of all the small thing that reminds us of an ex. And when you reflect on these things, they can be so subtle and honestly, pathetic- whether its a piece of lettuce dangling from someone's sandwich (the only vegetable he would eat <3) or that one horror-show David Guetta song (played when we both threw up on our first night out together).
Nostalgia and its rose-tinted clout goggles:
Nostalgia becomes a twisted comfort blanket, making it easier to cope as we grip onto comforting memories. Whilst they can offer fleeting comfort, they can also lead to a slippery slope of reminiscing that leads to sadness and grief (Raypole, 2021). Because of this, we can be tempted to avoid any exposure to the myriad of nostalgic reminders. It's unfair. Not only are we meant to navigate and cope with an earth-shattering heartbreak, but it also prohibits us from indulging in some of our favourite things, simply because it was once shared with someone who now, you would would really rather not think about...
Nostalgia is also DRENCHED in selective memory. Yes, maybe a certain pub reminds you of happier times shared together, but I bet you don't ruminate on the other pub next door, where several nights ended in rabid arguments, and hostile walks back home... Nostalgia is our way of cherry-picking all the good memories and throwing them into romanticised montages, whilst the other bits are discarded to the cutting floor. Because, cathartic and emosh as nostalgic deep-dives can be, they are often viewed through rose tinted spectacles.
Nostalgia reminds us of the lives we have lived, and those yet to come...
The reality is that these splinters (i.e, the songs and artists, foods, places, perfumes) may remain your favourites, but your relationship with them will change. It's rubbish...until its ok. Overtime, your nostalgia response will likely evolve, and these splinters become markers of the new chapters of your life. You'll hear a song that once was removed from all playlists, and realise that you can listen to it without inducing a small breakdown. These moments allow us to reflect on how much we've grown, whilst simultaneously rejoicing that we are not in the same place as we once were.
At some point (and a lot of healing time), we might see that these micro-nostalgias symbolise new corners of the world and experiences that you have unlocked; a sort of parting gift from your relationship. Imagine going through life, utilizing all five senses: you smell all the scents, you hear all the songs, you see all the sights, taste all the flavours and hear every sound, but they all just blend into one. Imagine that the culmination of all your lived experiences were to never spark a emotional response. Imagine a life where every song sounds the same, and every meal remains bland. How dull. Emotion, and nostalgia-responses are there to remind us that we are alive. They remind us of all the stories that we collate along the way. They remind us that we have lived and we have loved.
Once we embrace the fact that accepting love means risking loss, only then are we able to fully start living.
Deep innit! Nostalgia doesn't have to be a demon robbing you of happiness, but another notch added to the belt worn by someone who has lived a colourful life, well-lived.
Echo by Christina Rosetti, 1862
Come in the speaking silence of a dream;
Come with soft rounded cheeks and eyes as bright
As sunlight on a stream;
Come back in tears,
O memory, hope, love of finished years.
References used:
Key Moser (2023) The Evolution of Heartbreak: From Ancient Defense to Modern Healing https://medium.com/@akr225a24/the-evolution-of-heartbreak-from-ancient-defense-to-modern-healing-bf4ffb91a17d
- Crystal Raypole (2021) Those Happy Golden Years: Coping with Memories That Bring More Pain Than Peace:
https://www.healthline.com/health/depression/nostalgic-depression
- Emily Standley Allard (2025) The Business of Breaking Up: How Heartbreak Is Fueling a Booming Industry:
https://www.msn.com/en-us/lifestyle/lifestyle-buzz/the-business-of-breaking-up-how-heartbreak-is-fueling-a-booming-industry/ar-AA1vydzB
- Elena Mars (2024) Why Do We Feel Nostalgia? Exploring the Emotional and Cognitive Mechanisms Behind Nostalgic Feelings:
https://scientificorigin.com/why-do-we-feel-nostalgia-exploring-the-emotional-and-cognitive-mechanisms-behind-nostalgic-feelings
- Beth Ashley (2024) Dating culture has become selfish. How do we fix it?
https://mashable.com/article/selfish-dating-app-culture?test_uuid=003aGE6xTMbhuvdzpnH5X4Q&test_variant=b
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