The Deep Dive Series: CBBC's Friday Download was a fever nightmare

What do you get when you mix Cel Spellman with a studio full of awkies 12 year olds? Sick. You get sick in ur mouth.

there's a 67 year old, Reform UK voter inside this kid i know there is

This is not a personal slander to Sir Spellman, do not get it twisted. You probably do not even know who that is (forgive me, I adore a niche reference). The issue is not Cel Spellman. You could copy and paste any of the gaggle of teeny boppers that presented CBBC's Friday Download and apply the same principle to the problem. Friday Download was just an inherently sickening programme in all the fear-inducing, cringe rattling, ick-tastic ways you would imagine a Top Of The Pops style show with a Key Stage 3 demographic would be. Don't hate the sinner, just strongly despise the sin.

As a nine year old, I experienced my first bout of 'hate-viewing'. The ailment in which you just cannot peel your eyes away from something you absolutely hate. It's cringe and you know it (clap clap chlyamidia) and yet, the twisted little demon on ur shoulder urges you to carry on. Maybe it's the hate that keeps us watching. 

Hate-watching is a biological phenomenon. Our brain produces 'happy hormone' neurotransmitters such as dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin when watching media that makes us feel annoyed and cringe. Love and hate are some of the strongest emotions we can feel, and can often generate similar biological results (eg, think in you fancy someone, your heart rate might increase, just as it would if someone has pissed you OFF). So take away the threat of something actually bad happening (eg, Cel Spellman isn't going to trigger your fight or flight because your primal insticts feel in immediate danger, but he can trigger those same neurotransmitters firing off), and you're left with 'hate-watching'.

If God really does give his toughest problems to the strongest soliders, then the CBBC viewers of 2011 were strong as nails. Military wives choir unite huns. 💓💖💝

If you don't remember this hell-hole, firstly good for u dolly. Trigger warning: I am about to break ur innocence and educate you. If you do remember this show, lock in, arms and legs inside the vehicle, it's going to be a silly ride.

POV: the drone u r flying pans over the gates of Hell

The Premise:

Premiered in 2011, Friday Download was essentially CBBC's answer to This Morning but for generation Kidz Bop. A studio entertainment show designed to inform the nation's pre-teens of the hottest music, TV, dance, fashion (gulp) and games for the upcoming week.

The Presenters:

An odd pick and mix selection of familiar faced teenagers of varying levels of TV fame. Teenagers are a bit cringe at the best of times and goodness me, this lot did not disapoint. Don't believe me? Have a gander at this:

Ok from left to right: (my presidents! BTDUBZ the presenters did a Sugababes move and frequently chopped and changed their line up but can't beat the classics)... u probs can but whatever.

• Richard Wisker (of Tracy Beaker Returns fame)

• Georgia Lock (of Sadie J fame)

• Tyga Drew Honey (the ellusive teen in Outnumbered. Parents are porn stars, go figure)

• Dionne Bromfield (a singer?!

• Cel Spellman (presenter and actor)

• Aidan Davis (of Britain's Got Talent breakdancing fame-not to be confused with 1/2 of BGT alum Twist and Pulse)

what i imagine the youths of Leighton Buzzard look like after a heavy one at Spoons 

The Downloads:

Here, we buckle into the 'downloads'. The format of the show is split into different 'Downloads' (aka the hippest 'how-tos' and 'what's hots' that upcoming weekend). There's a whole lot but u don't have the time and I don't have the sanity to dissect them all so enjoy my own selection of the hottest downloads.

Dance Download

The only way I can get through to you without a stone and chisel is to show you this (it's very important that you watch):

Ok disclaimer, this Aiden fella has got the jones in his bones, credit where crypto credit is due.

He can dance like he's wearing the Red Shoes (if the Red Shoes were high-top trainers and lead actress Victoria Page possessed a Tower Hamlets postcode). There's something disconcerting in seeing a teeny bopper dance to a crowd of nail-chomping kids; all of whom are too highly strung out on Red Shloer and smoking Candy Sticks from the post stress of sitting the Year 6 SAT exams to truly nail the chest pop. It feels INSANE that the British Broadcasting Corporatsh were not filming this as some sort of skit or parody sketch show (in the style of Little Britain). It was just real, bog-standard kids telle.

In verbatim, we get to witness a young Aiden teaching his "two different brothers from two different mothers", Richard and Cel (bbrrrr) how to chest pop. Soundtracking this demonic dance choreo to Boom Boom Pow.  Aiden chucks around the word 'swag' like he's got a job to do. When in doubt? Add a bit of swag to that darling. But i KNOW the girls and gays in the crowd were hook, line and sinker to his Cockney, cheeky chappy charms. I mean! Aiden and Richard together are the Chris and Kem of a generation. Apple and pears to heaven, these two. These two geezers are why a generation of Love Island girlies have grown up to have a macabre obsession with 'cheeky chappy boys who will ruin my life'.

Or this! footage that happened moments b4 disaster 💥💦

Another Friday another dance tutorial. This time mr abby lee miller profesor to the stars is teaching us the move that has 'spread across the nation': JERKING. Richard gets involved as always. But then Tyga. Poor Tyga, with his ghastly peddle pushers and the shoes which look as white and flat as the sneakers fashioned out of baguettes on the front of the Pret Cookbook (if you know, you know). 

Tyga reminds me of those exercise videos from the 90s. He would be the one in the background doing the beginner version of the exercise aka the shit one. And I understand! Tyga's 'jerking' is evocative of me trying to skank to the Grease Megamix in Infernos on a Saturday night.

Style Download

Gok Wan ran so Dani Harmer could drag nine year olds for a paycheck. 2012 was the year of crop. Cropped leggings, cropped boots. cropped cardis, cropped skirts, cropped side sweep hair...cropped talent. And that is evident in Style Download- the segment in which Tracy Beaker star Dani Harmer helps the fashion-clueless. Dani dons a crop demin jacket, cropped boots and croppiest of chops.

Truly the way they talk about the child in a fashion crisis (jessica) is Ofcom worthy. My personal fave quotes:

"She tries very hard to get the latest looks but sometimes she doesn't quite pull it off." (Jessica's mother)

"She needs re-styling FAST. Colour clashes? Mismathces? Is she serious? She needs my help badly." (Dani Harmer)

Jessica reading Horrible Science whilst waiting for Tracy Baccy to give her a bee-line to bullying via her wardrobe #2012 #thisisme

So what have we learnt from the style tips girls? 

WHY wear one top when u can wear two! Its what Chris Martin asks himself one rainy day in 2007 and never looked back since

 

nine year olds must dress like a 40-something PTA mum on her annual holibobs to Costa Del Sol, all inclusive with the girls

and don't forget .  (not a joke, just a threat) 

Hot Or Not Download

The gang each bring their own 'hot or not' topic to the group and decide which is hot or not by sitting on the (you guesed it!) 'hot or not' side of the sofa. great. In plaigarim sake, I would copy and paste this format and use it as a nice Freshers drinking game. Yes, the format would get tedious after 3 rounds but if you are more inventive than the Friday Download gang, it could get controversial. Sadly, the FriYay Downslut group choose topics such as 'rocking chairs', 'water balloons' and 'the colour lime green' (which, actually in the context of a Brat Summer is rather fitting)-essentially, topics bland as the day they were born.

WATCH NOW or forever be better of for not watching it:

Neither hot or not, we are presented with simply lukewarm topics that the pre-teen presenters get worringly over-animated over. They debate till the cows come home about the whys and the whats of water balloon fights and what it means to have a pet rat.

It is a true lesson in adolescent flirting, wheby the boys feel compelled to disagree with the girls within an inch of their life, met with a chorus of silly giggles and rounds of rock paper scissors to settle self-indulgent faux-bickers.

Nostlagically, it is evocative of that lunch hour I spent with my first love in primary school, arguing aboiut whether boys or girls are better #menimism.

What a NIGHTMARE this was! But I miss a fruity panel show that the 2010s loved so much. And without Style Download, I haven't looked good for a full decade now... Bring her back.

Unearthing Z-Lister's Vinted accounts

Vinted is a side hustle and baby I'm in minus figures

me when my derogatory lowball offer gets accepted on vinted

There's something devilishly delightful in spotting a celeb in a place they have absolutely no business being in. Imagine celeb spotting a A-Lister doing their big shop in Budgens, or you and a B-Lister both adamantly staring at the ground when you've unjustly seated yourself in the Tube's priority seat. Back in'day, the world of celebrity was illusive and glamorous. Debauched parties in which your only invite to is from the glossy pages of Ok! Magazine, to breaking news of the latest scandal making the rounds on NewsRound. However, what's that coming over the hill!! Na bruv, it's not a hex bug, it's the old Noddy Holder barrel of giggles, that is ..our pal, gals and gimps.. HER- 'ar social media! 

Ah, the go-to, safe bet problem child, that answers a myriad of moral dilemmas asking how in the Devil's Red Hot Hell and why our modern age has become the mess that we know and love today. The diminished attention span of today's gen? Social media babes. Trolololololololing? That's on soccy meds bebs. Depression, anxiety, hate, yuck myself, stupid, pooey, angry, sad (evocative of that girl's annual GCSE Art piece: Devastated Effy Stonem, charcol on sugar paper)? Social Media daruling. An unhealthy, uncompromised, slightly soul destroying obsession with Sabrina Carpenter's silly little song about a silly little cafenated hot drinky poos? SOCIAL MEDIA will 'splain that one doll face. 

But ultimately, with the rise of social media that sees celebrity, once only accessible from papparazi shots, tabloid articles and the odd public breakdown, we are exposed to the inner workings of celebrity's lives more than ever before. As Yaxley so deliciously puts it in his article; How the internet destroyed the cult of celebrity; "Celebrities used to be a lot less accessible than they are today. A metaphorical wall was once in place to distance the general public from the celebrity".

And it's true! With the rise of social media, the nitty gritty nickernackerbockerglory details of celebrity's most intimate, real-time happenings, thoughts and feelings are simply a mouse click away (to quote Pixel from Lazy Town). 

Pixel actually had a point. Look at his lyrical wordsmith shine:

'A mouse click away,

Life 

can be so,

easy.'

Pixel's Lyrical Debut: Gizmo Guy #knockEspressooffNumber1

Speak your truth Manic Pixel Dream Girl! An Anthology:

Yes Pixel! A sex-positive, polyamarous kween <3  

POV: ur McDonald's Monopoly freebiee bag of carrot stix

help

ffs robbie rotten is changing his fit AGAIN we r gonna be late to Ziggy's pres now!!!

It's with this nihilistic attitude that gets you from leisrely playing Lady Millions on FoxyBingo to before you know it, squandering your mortgage, the kid's uni savings and you're flogging Nan's y2k nighties on Vinted just to have a penny to your name.

cannot WAIT to meet FoxyBingo at FurryCon 2024!

Social media has made everything so accessible. Those celebs of yore who were once untouchable and ellusive are now inundating our feeds with their own countless daily updates and, may I add looking rather polished doing it! Celebrities have made Instagram their best pal. They are in control of their own content, ensuring every single post is curated and polished, always puttin their best face forward, complete with a snatched little outfit and the @ of the latest Influencer sponsor. 

And on the other hand, public figures have also reclaimed control over their image. When once an unflattering pap photo would have made headline tabloid news simply due to the humiliation and facade-shattering nature of it all, celebs now can post their waking moments, bed-hair and make-up free, wafting of a hangover for all of their million followers to see.  No longer are they at the demise of unflattering sofa interviews or scandalous opinions being leaked from a 'source'-they are engineering these 'warts and all' personas all on their own accord. 

Celebrities are existing in a scribble of aiming to be 'relatable', to living 'influential lives'. But no matter where public figures find themselves in this venn-diagram of normies to BNOC, they are still gobbled as because they are served on a platter made of celebrity, fame and status. We are hungry to see them in the glitz and glam, just as much as we eat up the novelty of seeing celebs roaming like the rest of us down the Yellow Sticker section of Tesco Metro.

Celebs are more accessible than ever. The digital has graced all the alphabet-Listers with the power to present themselves according to their rules-good, bad, ugly. But through all these fine print, no matter how 'relatable' or 'influential' celebrities choose to present themselves, it is impossible to ignore that they are still celebrities. Yes, they're just skin and bone like ur average Joelene, but glammed up or glammed down, we are viewing them through the lens of celebrity nonetheless.

So. Sorry I am aware I have taken u on the scenic route just to get to the meat and gravy of this silly blog post. So where do I fit on the binary of celeb engagment? Well for starters, I do not own an instagram account since it sent my OCD spirallololololing a few years back <3, so the glitz and glam image is slightly lost on me. However. Je'adore the mundane, real life, nitty gritty slightly shitty celeb, away from the BetterHelp ads and ring lights. Even better? I love a celeb pre-fame. It makes me feel seen and acts as a delicioius reminder that yes, even the it-girls of today probs wore New Look's 915 range and slathered on layers of Garnier Body Summer Tanning Moisturiser like they had a job to do.

And recently I discovered the greatest equaliser of them all... The one thing that unites a sisterhood like nothing else... Vinted (and her disgraced sister, Depop). This pussy bites back! And so does user39739273 who INSISTS on no lowball offers otherwise you will be BLOCKED. Rules will be rules and Vinted girlies will be aggressive. It's just the way of the world.

You can imagine my pure, unadulterated joy when I started to unearth numerous Z-Lister's Vinted accounts. There's a perverted thrill in seeing that Ruby from Made In Chelsea is just trying to earn a quick buck by selling her old TopShop threads like you, me and dupree all are. Sure there's fame and hiearchy, but Vinted doesn't see status, Vinted doesn't see colour, Vinted doesn't see gender, it just sees that Z-Listers, A-Listers and everyone inbetween flogs their five year old self's t-shirt for £15 under the guise of y2k and 'mum bought this in the early 2000s! so lindsay lohan'!

In the world of Vinted we are all the same. If Vinted was born in the 1980s, there would be a celebrity charity song recorded by Bob Geldolf and Micheal Jackson because we are the (Vinted) world, and we are all the (Vinted) children. Under the blue lights of Vinted, the bedroom backdrop used to photograph ur preloved garms merge into one-Z-Lister backdrops become indistinguishable from mine or yours. Z-Listers are using the same reused, torn up Bag For Life to wrap up their parcels just as Beverly from Stockport uses. We are all running in a tiredless conveyer belt of the same silly captions and tags, and we are all 'open to sensible offers' and whispering sweet nothing promises of 'next day postage if you buy my shit today'. A B C D E F Z Listers have all lied that the InPost Locker scanner wasn't working simply because they were too hungover to leave their bed rot and go post that parcel. And we have all gotten a humdinging review! Chips happen.

So take my hand and join me as we relish an exhaustivly niche list of Z-Lister's Vinted accounts.

Fiorenza Cocozza- I Kissed A Girl

might buy something just so i can add flirting to my digital footprint x

Fiorenza Cocozza from I Kissed A Girl Fame, not to be confused with X Factor's bad boy Frankie Cocozza (although Dermot O'Leary's advice to lock up your daughters is applicable to Fi too). Fi was the absolute heart throb, tartan army warrior of the messyria. Look at me calling her Fi like I know the girl! I'm 50% of a strong para-social relationship here, allow it. Fiorenza made waves on IKAG with her tomboy cheeky charm and sensational flirting. She def binge watched a Youtube 'How To Flirt: For Beginners' complilation before realising that simply commanding Meg to finish her drink in that stupidly supple Scottish accent will do just fine. Heads will roll, heads will turn, head. For Fiorenza. And look at our girly girl Fi in her Vinted pp!! The tomboy, baggy cargoed Fi we fell for discussed in IKAG how she used to have a much more femme image and long hair and according to her Vinted, she was not pulling our leg.

Good for? Supporting our IKAG troops

she'd just have to look at me funny and i'd be in the family way

Clare- Steps

Stephanie from Lazy Town grew up

It's funny because when ur little nobody ever tells u that u will grow up to be kindred spirits with Clare from Steps. The Siterhood of the Travelling (Secondhand) Pants, if u will. Ok so we both hoard clothes just to sell them on Vinted? Yes. And we both sing for our supper? Yes! I haven't had a bite to eat for yonks but delusion is the best accessory a girl can wear (and you can't put a price on delulu). From deep diving into Clare's Vinted, she's a bit of a slag for Zara and eats UP sparkly jumpsuits-what else is a mum of 2 who sings for their sasuage caseroule tea going to wear whilst she perfoms a Steps Megamix on Steph's Packed Lunch!!!!!

Good for? A way to get closer to H from Steps

Balegada Balegda for sure

Amy Spalding- I Kissed A Girl 

amy's vinted! and no she's not selling her boots

Amy!!! This is Amy-zing Grace sweetie chops. The 'ar Di of a generation who walked so the phrase "either want to be with me, or be me" could run. If you're anything like me, then we are cross-continentaly trauma bonded over the deep dark depths of envy over Miss Spalding's wardrobe. I was happy as Chuck and Barry when I discovered her Vinted, expecting a plethora of y2k inspired baby tees splattered with diamente spelt tacky slogans like 'future milf' and 'God's Favourite'. Poor girl must have been sweatin her tits off in 30 degree heat but you know those pleather boots will be plastered to her till kindumb cum. Stomp stomp and putting the world to right. Stomp stomp and make a Masseria a home. All in a day's flirt. She was the fashion girlie of I Kissed A Girl. But alas, everyone knows in order to buy tacky y2slays, u need coin, evidenced by the passe off the shoulder lace numbers and PLT rags Miss Amy is vending. Also blonde Amy! Reds have more fun and def own more pleather bootz.

Good for? You hon!

Ella Morgan- Married At First Sight UK

if the daily mail haven't called her a leggy blonde yet idk wot's going on

Ella Ella, named after Molly Mae's teddy Ellie Bellie (I imagine x). Ella Morgan was an iconic bride in the latest series of MAFS UK, making TV history as the show's first trans bride and TV history for literally every other way she acted up. Iconic, chaotic and loved a dress that got the girls out and about! Ella's Vinted wardrobe is small but mighty and she's even selling her GORGINA wedding dress that could be yours for £592.25 inc buyer protection. Actually not bad considering the beauty of the dress and that all proceedings are donated to Trans supporting charities. Look fit and feel like a good person doing it.

Good for? +100 Aura points for urself because ur consumption habits r going to a good cause.

Ruby Adler- Made In Chelsea

Apart from a block of some dodgy reviews of a incompleted sales 6 months ago (must've been when her and Reza were on yet another rocky patch). Small businesses suffer at the hands of toxic relationships (trust me! I didn't post two camis once during my breakup in second year and that's 3 squids I'll never get back cba). Ruby is so fit it pisses me off but good for the girl. She's selling us her rags so she can go on wearing gorgina fits and looking hot in Raffles Club. 

every girl needs a Miles in their bag to bump up the prices

Good for? A range of bikinis, heels and itzy bitzy dresses. And an excuse to say ur wearing Ruby Adler of MIC fame's hand-me-downs.

Kate Elisabeth and Flossie-Youtubers

Simply grouped these two girlies together because their Vinted is classy, cool and stylish if not slightly on the spenny side. But mostly grouped together because of their harmonious buyer feedback that finds them both be accused of leaving face masks in the clothing items they have sold (look for fig.1 and 2. for reference):

Fig 1:

Fig 2:

Hot covid girlies! At least they were keeping it safe.

Good for? Social distancing

Yaxley, N (2022) How the internet destoryed the cult of celebrity. Available at: https://reaction.life/how-the-internet-destroyed-the-cult-of-celebrity/ (Accessed: 26 June 2024)

Girl silly girl hobbies because I'm a silly obnxiously girlish git girl

A lesson in hobbies as demonstrated by Channel 4's Undateables alum Daniel Wakefield:

 

I became a gym girlie for a week but felt ugly when I wore small hoops and stupid when I wore my 60cm diamenter numbers. 

Next up on the roster?       

                                   

I became a party planner. 

It's the natural trajectory of things. My sister's hen-do was looming like a bad smell so I got artsy craftsy with it. I made a phallic-fantasy pass the parcel, I booked a plethora of drag queen laiden club nights, I filmed my brother-in-law for a Mr and Mrs question style game and crafted party favors that could launch a thousand ships. That was fun but lacked sustainability. Afterall, hen-dos were a once in a blue treat and not a daily extravaganza.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Hobbies sound like a good idea on the tin, but when it comes down to it, it's all just organised fun innit. For me (you're gonna love this), my hobbies are cost-effective, mundance and delectable. They're usually wrapped up in 'to-do-list' cling-film, but with a gratuticous dollop of dragging out the time, that blurs the lines between must-do tasks and hobby.

Therefore.

Please see fig. 1 below for a good old, get ur teeth into, chunk of sentences that dedicate my love and affection for my all-time (and severely slept on!!) HOBBY 

Fig. 1

An ode to my unsung, favourite hobby:

GETTING READY

getting ready is the most quintisential part of any day. I know I have the luxury of unemployment to justify this self-indulgent 'hobby', but truly, there are few things I enjoy more than getting ready to go out. Going on a dog walk? Popping to Claire's Accessories to buy yet another pair of tweeny-bopper plastic clip-on earrings? Big night out? Or simply putting the bins out (i don't do this one but the sentiment remains the same)? Whatever you're doing (or not doing), the pre is just as crucial as the doing. The equation is simple and mandatory, but the order can be re-arranged and chop and changed depending on individual taste.

Numero unero: Music. Or any sound at that matter: podcast, dust off your Now That's What I Call Music 68, Disc 1, Track 20 CD, podcast, or the sound of your piss knocking against white porcelain toilet bowl. Just a soundscape and not your own thoughts rattling about in ur head. 

Numbero doce vita: Glass of liquid in hand. Ideally a liquid with a percentage on its deriere (especially if you're getting ready to go oooey gooey OUT OUT). A nice alternative is a glass of water (boring but true) or a bubbly glass of crisp Shloer to get you nicely off ur rocker.

Stay hydrated and gives your spare claw something to do in the process. 

Three: Smoke a cigarette/Crystal Bar (save energy, buy a Crystal Bar #lightupyourlife)/inhaler (medical)/ candy stick sweets. 

Even if you don't want to, you must. Good prop for the oblligatory photos you will be taking in ur grotty little mirror and makes u feel something. 

The misclaneous rest: 

Layers upon layers, and then another layer of mascera until kingdom come.

Nice lights (no overhead lighting EVER). 

Hair straighteners on until a steam cloud fills ur room (doubles up as a nice dramatic smoke cloud entrance). PLUS- helps co-incide with step 3 (steam that helps cover up the vape cloud)

Several outfit changes that results in wearing the first one you started in.

Whether it's a night out, or a pub trip, these steps are m a n d a t o r y to any enjoyable getting ready situation.

Remember. Don't get ready. STAY READY.

my definitive ranking: the sICKness list

things that give me the sickness (a la Millie MacIntosh) 

basically, the year was 2012 and horray henrietta Millie MacIntosh was stomping the Chelsea and Kensington streets in her boho-chic, fluffy gillet, teeny weeny shorts and feathered fedora. A woman who donned many iconic phrases, that have earned her name in the literary canon along with the greats. She may have been the woman whom called out her bestie and then boyfriend (now husband and baby papa) Hugo for hooking up whilst donning a delicious 1920s get-up, toasting 'here's to friendship.' Gosh they do not make them like this anymore.

the star of our show!

2012 was the year of an increasingly vivacious social calendar for the UK: The London Olympics, the Queen's Diamond Jubilee, David Cameron leaving his daughter in t'pub!

poor sod not surprised she's clinging onto her mother like that

However, an unsung author of history was emerging at this time. Amongst this rich cultural tapestry, Millicent McIntosh was weaving her own brightly coloured thread into pop culture lore.

Mental Maths equation: please work out the following addition sum.

1

+ 

2 

answer 

=poetry in motion

The Tosh has many an iconic moment in her roster, from calling Spencer Matthews a baker boy (due to his Kiera Knightly inspired baker boy cap), marrying Proffesor Green for the shits and gigs, and expressing faux surprise that her dog did not like MIC's Victoria Baker-Harber, given that "he usually gets on with other dogs". 

However the it-girl of the upper class also broke boundaries and class divides alike when she coined the great equaliser, the one social phenomenon that unites girlies worldover... Millie invented the ICK. That's right. You might be shocked to learn this, given that the ick is thought as a recently new term to name an age-old phenomen. The ick essentially describes turn-offs that could put you off a suitor for life. However back in a 2012 epsiode of Made In Chelsea, 'ar toff Tosh coined 'the sickness' to describe what we would now call 'ick behaviour'. Please see video below:

Millie describes 'the sickness' as anything remotely small that can put you off a new lover for life (in Millie's case, a guy with bad shoes). Might this be the earliest verbal evidence of the ick, before the ick was officially established? Pseudo-ickism. 

Technically, a 1997 episode of Ally McBeal coined the ick when describing an incompatible match. However, later examples of the ick include 2017's Love Island's Olivia getting the ick and using an infectious analogy to describe the penetrative nature of the sickness. 2020's Love Island Leanne also fell victim to the ick, from 'sexy side dish' Mike. And as Leanne and her girlies clarify, once you get the ick, there is no going back.

We all have sickness. So I thought I would break the stigma and talk about MY icks in this working document. 

supermarket shopping baskets inc. toilet paper

people ordering tuna melts (not me tho allow it)

'ex-presso'

ventriloquist acts

people talking too quiet

over handling food stuffs ie, hands all over a sandwhich and/or Daddy's Ketchup (awful name, worse brand) bottle

greasy hands over the tv remote/phone

laughing and saying 'yeah!' when you did not hear what someone said but cannot bear to ask them to repeat again

when you are the receipient of the dreaded above! ^^^

crumbs on lip

someone whose firstname is pluralised 

enjoys the Big Bang Theory

listens to macho macho male podcasts ie steven bartlett

makes thirst trap tik toks

thirst traps

uses snapchat filters 

tooooo baggy jeans

teenage relationships

the word "motherfucker"

being crude and crass

mirror selfies (unironic)

Off-brand fitties

A definitive guide into the fittest, dad-decandance bachelors that graced our screens on CBBC's golden years.

If this was a dissertation (which it should have been), the title would go something like this: Using an inter-sectional framework to analyse the extent of aesthic pleasure derived from male bachelors on  Children's British Broadcasting Corporation (CBBC) from the years 2000 to 2010.

But it's not! It's a silly blog. So join me if you please (and even if you don't please join me because I need all the help I can claim). Let's run through the hottest, most slept-on (and maybe slept with- fingers crossed! joke! the born again X-ChristianaTina made a quip!) eligable bachloers whom raised us as surrograte fathers, brothers and stolen kisses lovers as they appeared on our favourite CBBC shows.

Cousin Mortimer

Basil Brush's toerag cousin

that leather jacket will get me in trouble

Ok does he have an overbite that could climb trees? Duh! Someone needs to get Mortimer a turkey teef job stat. However, that chain and that damn damn pleather jacket... am i a furry?.. because I slightly fancy this man. Plus Alesha Dixon's 2008 hit "The Boy Does Nothing" should probably go about getting a rewrite, because with Mortimer's tail he would wash up, he would be brushing up , and does he clean up? Yes! Yes, he does clean up. He's a mobile hoover and he doesn't even know it. Cost-effective Mrs Hinch cleaning solutions with a Cockney Bobby Dazzler charm.

Gary Swann

His claim to fame? CBBC's My Almost Famous Family

i would eat my fedora if i ever had the chance

It's not coinkydink that Gary's surname is Swann (aka the most loyal birds of the animal kingdom). You KNOW this man would walk over hot steaming coals to make sure his woman is happy. Gary probably grew up surrounded by those little wooden signs that nans adorn their kitchen walls with. You know the decor that commands you to "let the fun be-GIN!" or or the one with that delicious recipe that mumma used to make-a: "one drop of happiness, several dollops of laughter and a big measure of togetherness makes the perfect family!" Or, most importantly a sign engraved with "happy wife happy life". And he took that and ran. A man who is there for his wife and kids, a man with such a discerning smile you almost think he's up to no good and a man who is musically gifted and so would seranade you silly. Fittie McVittie!

Mike are u joking me Milligan

CBBC's The Story of Tracy Beaker

he could just look at me funny and i would be in the family way

This man. This man whose face could launch a thousand ships whilst being Elmtree House's careworker of the year. This man is single handily responsible for the ressurgance in Britpop, bloke core, adidas zip ups and Irish men. Micheal Milligan was every little girl's first insidious crush- a crush that hid behind corners and crouched in the shadows of generic crushes from your Zac Effrons to your Marv from Charlie and Lola. Unassuming but quietly confident that one day you would wake up and realise he was there the entire time, under your nose, waiting for you to realise that you were meant to be all this time. 

Can he bake? Can he diddly!

he even reads my blog! 

And will he fix the telly for you so you can watch the beautiful game? Absobloodylutely.

photos taken moments before blokecore Britpop was invented

Ed and Oucho (together)

CBBC presentuhhhhss

Ed Petri dish(y)

These two are like chalk and cheese, toes and feet, mel and sue-they belong together!       

So, upon re-watching archival footage of this comedy duo, I realised that Oucho cannot speak in the English vernacular that you and I indludge in, but rather an amalgamation of Hispanic derived gibberish (I can say this as my mother is Spanish blah blah claro que si!) Anyway, Ed established skinny boy with a mop of hair as my tipo on papel (translated into Spanish so Oucho can read along). Oucho rocked a mullet of sorts and those arms! Ok rugby boy! All he needs is brown chinos, a dollop of misogny and a small claims court case against him and he's offically a UoB rugby boy.

Ed and Oucho in motion!          

Spot the difference! Can't? Have you seen Ed and Oucho in the same room as Tommy and Molly-Mae? Yeh... didn't think soo....

Keith

Sadie J silly, himbo car mechanic 

An Aldi version of Tyga Drew Honey but with less pornographic parents. Remember Sadie J? A silly witty nitty gritty CBBC unsung hero about "the only girl in a boy's world". And do you remember fancying the himbo that is Keith!? Because I do! He was a young thing with an accent that would challenge even the furthest East End of Faggan's Boys. He would make a lovely china plate (mate) and would rib tickle you with his silly charm and entreprentual ways. Imagine the bubble baths (laughs)! Also, he had a new girlfriend in every episode so we know he has game. Pick me, pick me to be next!

And my sentiments are shared with fellow tweeny bopper Fandom.com website (see fig.1. for reference). Enter at your own risk!

Fig. 1. shows comments on Keith's character page on Fandom.com... makes u think that

'A Fandom user' (whom deffo is not me)...had a point with these! I'm sorry but points were made!

Slink

Arthur

Rodrick Heffley!! Is that you!

No shame if you didn't recall this fella instantly. Neither did I. To be quite transparent with you, I don't even remember fancying him when I used to watch Arthur, but rather fancy him now. There's something so Zayn Malik about him (aka the 'mysterious one'). Is that because we can't see his eyes? Maybe. Is it his sweep of 2007 hair and baggy fit? Probs helps. Have I matched with carbon copies of this man on Hinge? Yes, yes I have, His chop also looks like the hair I had when I was 8 years old so maybe I'm just hyping myself up because I know the grit it takes to rock a bob and fringe with a character chin.

Alan Jackson

Maria's dilf dad from CBBC's Sarah Jane's Adventures

Yes! It's Bridget Jones' gay bestie! I remember fancying this man and fear he was the zeitgeist that triggered my inability to fancy each of my mates' dads. He flirted with the ladies and co-parented his alien frienzed teen daughter with good humour and looks. Mother is mothering!

These men are the reason I believe in Menimism.