Off-brand fitties

A definitive guide into the fittest, dad-decandance bachelors that graced our screens on CBBC's golden years.

If this was a dissertation (which it should have been), the title would go something like this: Using an inter-sectional framework to analyse the extent of aesthic pleasure derived from male bachelors on  Children's British Broadcasting Corporation (CBBC) from the years 2000 to 2010.

But it's not! It's a silly blog. So join me if you please (and even if you don't please join me because I need all the help I can claim). Let's run through the hottest, most slept-on (and maybe slept with- fingers crossed! joke! the born again X-ChristianaTina made a quip!) eligable bachloers whom raised us as surrograte fathers, brothers and stolen kisses lovers as they appeared on our favourite CBBC shows.

Cousin Mortimer

Basil Brush's toerag cousin

that leather jacket will get me in trouble

Ok does he have an overbite that could climb trees? Duh! Someone needs to get Mortimer a turkey teef job stat. However, that chain and that damn damn pleather jacket... am i a furry?.. because I slightly fancy this man. Plus Alesha Dixon's 2008 hit "The Boy Does Nothing" should probably go about getting a rewrite, because with Mortimer's tail he would wash up, he would be brushing up , and does he clean up? Yes! Yes, he does clean up. He's a mobile hoover and he doesn't even know it. Cost-effective Mrs Hinch cleaning solutions with a Cockney Bobby Dazzler charm.

Gary Swann

His claim to fame? CBBC's My Almost Famous Family

i would eat my fedora if i ever had the chance

It's not coinkydink that Gary's surname is Swann (aka the most loyal birds of the animal kingdom). You KNOW this man would walk over hot steaming coals to make sure his woman is happy. Gary probably grew up surrounded by those little wooden signs that nans adorn their kitchen walls with. You know the decor that commands you to "let the fun be-GIN!" or or the one with that delicious recipe that mumma used to make-a: "one drop of happiness, several dollops of laughter and a big measure of togetherness makes the perfect family!" Or, most importantly a sign engraved with "happy wife happy life". And he took that and ran. A man who is there for his wife and kids, a man with such a discerning smile you almost think he's up to no good and a man who is musically gifted and so would seranade you silly. Fittie McVittie!

Mike are u joking me Milligan

CBBC's The Story of Tracy Beaker

he could just look at me funny and i would be in the family way

This man. This man whose face could launch a thousand ships whilst being Elmtree House's careworker of the year. This man is single handily responsible for the ressurgance in Britpop, bloke core, adidas zip ups and Irish men. Micheal Milligan was every little girl's first insidious crush- a crush that hid behind corners and crouched in the shadows of generic crushes from your Zac Effrons to your Marv from Charlie and Lola. Unassuming but quietly confident that one day you would wake up and realise he was there the entire time, under your nose, waiting for you to realise that you were meant to be all this time. 

Can he bake? Can he diddly!

he even reads my blog! 

And will he fix the telly for you so you can watch the beautiful game? Absobloodylutely.

photos taken moments before blokecore Britpop was invented

Ed and Oucho (together)

CBBC presentuhhhhss

Ed Petri dish(y)

These two are like chalk and cheese, toes and feet, mel and sue-they belong together!       

So, upon re-watching archival footage of this comedy duo, I realised that Oucho cannot speak in the English vernacular that you and I indludge in, but rather an amalgamation of Hispanic derived gibberish (I can say this as my mother is Spanish blah blah claro que si!) Anyway, Ed established skinny boy with a mop of hair as my tipo on papel (translated into Spanish so Oucho can read along). Oucho rocked a mullet of sorts and those arms! Ok rugby boy! All he needs is brown chinos, a dollop of misogny and a small claims court case against him and he's offically a UoB rugby boy.

Ed and Oucho in motion!          

Spot the difference! Can't? Have you seen Ed and Oucho in the same room as Tommy and Molly-Mae? Yeh... didn't think soo....

Keith

Sadie J silly, himbo car mechanic 

An Aldi version of Tyga Drew Honey but with less pornographic parents. Remember Sadie J? A silly witty nitty gritty CBBC unsung hero about "the only girl in a boy's world". And do you remember fancying the himbo that is Keith!? Because I do! He was a young thing with an accent that would challenge even the furthest East End of Faggan's Boys. He would make a lovely china plate (mate) and would rib tickle you with his silly charm and entreprentual ways. Imagine the bubble baths (laughs)! Also, he had a new girlfriend in every episode so we know he has game. Pick me, pick me to be next!

And my sentiments are shared with fellow tweeny bopper Fandom.com website (see fig.1. for reference). Enter at your own risk!

Fig. 1. shows comments on Keith's character page on Fandom.com... makes u think that

'A Fandom user' (whom deffo is not me)...had a point with these! I'm sorry but points were made!

Slink

Arthur

Rodrick Heffley!! Is that you!

No shame if you didn't recall this fella instantly. Neither did I. To be quite transparent with you, I don't even remember fancying him when I used to watch Arthur, but rather fancy him now. There's something so Zayn Malik about him (aka the 'mysterious one'). Is that because we can't see his eyes? Maybe. Is it his sweep of 2007 hair and baggy fit? Probs helps. Have I matched with carbon copies of this man on Hinge? Yes, yes I have, His chop also looks like the hair I had when I was 8 years old so maybe I'm just hyping myself up because I know the grit it takes to rock a bob and fringe with a character chin.

Alan Jackson

Maria's dilf dad from CBBC's Sarah Jane's Adventures

Yes! It's Bridget Jones' gay bestie! I remember fancying this man and fear he was the zeitgeist that triggered my inability to fancy each of my mates' dads. He flirted with the ladies and co-parented his alien frienzed teen daughter with good humour and looks. Mother is mothering!

These men are the reason I believe in Menimism.