29 March. My life changed. I met Louis Walsh.
I'll set the scene. The night began in the pub. A part time barista and her recently returned backpacker pal walk into a bar. Ouch. We agreed that before our television debut, we should get the whistle suitably oiled, as the famous saying goes. If I was to forge a sensational parasocial relationship with Will Best, by claiming we had intense eye contact because he vaguely, somewot gazed in my general vacinity (pause for dramatic effect), then I needed some Dutch courage. Bare in mind, I have used this same thought process to multi-purpose a whole plethora of activities... Job interview? Have a shot of vermouth to fettle ye joints (what's 15% between friends!) First date? Glass of spicy rum and Pepsi Maximus to self-soothe! I know! Deutch courage or alcohol dependance? If only we had time to answer that one! But we don't. Sip sip yummy pint.
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| follow the co-ordinates 2, 2 |
We were running l8 and so we proceeded to checkout, with a couple of gins in a tin(s) and hopped into an Uber. There we met our pal and brother in arms Joe. Once we were security checked (they binned my bloody Pink LADY ffs, it's like they don't want me to enjoy one of every food group!), we hop skipped jumped to the studios. The lights were swirling, the music was pumping and the crowd? Oversubscribed! We got stopped by what can only be described as a caricture of quintissential TV Runner: a youthful charm in his eye, a jumpy, indulgently confident nature and Adidas Sambas whom asked us this:
"Hiya guys, the crowd for the Live Final is pretty full up so would you be interested in joining our Late and Live studio audience instead?"
Diags says no. I say yes. It's a will they, won't they situation! But they did and oh baby oh baby, did they ever! Our belonings were stripped from us, left only with my 'just married' Vinted tee on my back, and a dream in my head, we sat on the rock solid audience bench. Managed to snag a lush second row seat on the edge. Perfect view of the celebs and the items I now call my mirrors- THE CAMERA. The Emcee cum audience host was everything you needed him to be. Sharing anecdotes from his time at the filmings of Celebrity Juice, making silly jokes about the 2.5 hour filming we had just sat through being the dress rehearal (look out we have a joker here!).
And then the A-List lifestyle begun. Swarms of runners came running out laiden with plastic flutes full of Nice Sparkling Wine. My servants! J'adore being the Upstairs to their Downstairs. We guzzled and gleamed as we were reassured that we would be drinking all night long. And then the toilet trips. It was all very Key Stage 3 'any last pees and poos before filming?'.
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| Three of these and i was off ma tits |
When I strutted out of the portaloo and back to the studio, the gears had really gone up some. Two rows of the evicted celeb housemates AND their family and friends were sat! I'm sat!
It was like when you start noticing one ick about someone, then you start finding more and more everywhere you look. First I saw Bradley- a vision in all white (living and breathing Westlife). Then we saw Carlos from Strictly fame with Nikita's girlfriend Lauren. Then Marisha! And then... Lights, camera, action. AJ Odudu looked like a VISION in gold. "She looks like an Oscar trophy" to quote 'ar Dais Diags in verbatim. But you know, me being a live reality telle veteran and having already seen her in on Tuesday's Live Eviction, it was all extremely lasez faire to me. Like catching up with an old pal. Will was there also.
DISCLAIMER: I really do enjoy Will Best and me and Diags (Diags being Daisy but Diags is is a lovely reality telly ode codename) established that we are whole-heartdly, quite firmly in love with him. I miss him already. I knew he would move on.. I just didn't think it would be that quick.
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| nothing to do with CBB. a TOWIE star. so the reality telle link is a stretch but it's my stretch <3) |
The trailers for Late and Live were filmed. We were told to look smiley, laugh at anything remotely amusing and clap like your sad little life Jane depended on it. We got to watch the episode through little screens in the studio. There was a lush lady called Queen B sat behind us (see fig.1 for photo evidence) who was living her LIFE. Myself and Diags would have put our third child and third leg on betting that this was one big wind up. Where was Anthony McPartlin and Dec in disguise, waiting to run out and reveal the hidden cameras? Queen B, the spectators who were donned in Haiwaiian shirts and groovy glasses, the Truman Show looking studio that looked like it would crumble if you so much as blew on it. Surreal.
Ad break before the first eviction. Highlights? Making the Emcee giggle when I said that Louis is "the people's princess" and my winner.
NUMBER 1: FERN 'Rule Britannia' BRITTON
She waved at us! She waved at us! A non-surprising but acceptable fifth placer. Interesting to see that they prepped the family and friends of the next evictee, before they had been announced.
NUMBER 2: COLLANDER, COLTON, CO--wait! what! LOUIS SODDIN WALSH??
Ok did NOT see that one coming. I would have BetFreded it that Colson was the next casualty. People's Princess Lou is nothing short of a skivvy now. At this point the Nicee was warming the cockles of my shart and so I was feeling emotional. Grappling for some salty puddles to fall from my eyes as I mourn the loss of MY winner.
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| HD footage of me fanning my face in pure religious exhaltation. i'm the fittie in the middle. |
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| ur not allowed to screenshot ITVX so my five secs of fame aren't my most flattering but i PROMISE IT's ME! I would never joke about something so serious!! |
He rushed in and was met by a team of MUAs, cracking jokes and pulling mock sad face poses for his photoshoot. My man was three apples high and chirpy as they come. Honestly, I was expecting him to look like a diva backstage but he seemed like great craic (a good time, for the non-Irish aligned). He sat down for his interview and divulged how HELLISH his experience was. And then his 'pal' was joyously reunited with him. SO GOOD. He sat down with his mates and not with the celebs which I thought was delicious. Side note, his friendship with Lauren was nothing yea-heigh of iconic.
💃💃💃💃💃👄Highlight? Lauren bending over in her silly tutu skirt to say hi to Lou Lou and flashing her whole Jesus, Joseph and Mary to a bemused looking Marisha and Zeze behind her. They attempted to protect her modesty and cover up her vajazzle, but Lauren cannot b
e caged.
Then the runners chucked bags of sweeties at us (add a tennis racket to hit them into the crowd and an inflatable giant peach and you have yourself a panto! Camp as Christmas!!) Sparkling vino was topped up. Me and Diags both necked ours and grovelled to a different runner that we hadn't been given our top up. Oh to be a people pleasing runner! She poured and she poured and we guzzled our extra glass (which tasted extra delectable because she was an unwise but not illegal extra drink).
Then.. NUMBER TREE: COLSON!
A sweet fella whose family seem lushed and his girlfriend was gorgina! He looked more like himself than he did on the box if that makes any sense. Sweet, fun, slightly rinsed the 'we're in a famous boyband' quip one too many times but i'll allow it.
Ok boys, girls and clown/selves... The final section was announced. I was a little bit Tipsy as Tits come the final countdown but I still felt sick with nerves when we were waiting for the name to be called out. And it was ...
NUMBER FOUR: NIKKITA!
Like a flash, his girlfriend Lauren and fellow Strictly pro Carlos were rushed out (holding hands, which me and Diags used as ammunition to our theorm, which follows..) to go and greet him. Layton Williams was also there and radiant! Lauren was so snatched that, her waist?! Blink and you miss it! A very lean trio was Carl, Loz and Lay.
👀👄👀💘💑The Love Triangle Paradox:👀👄👀💘💑
We could not help but notice the intriguing and completely arbitary innocent (but exaggarated for theorem's sake) dynamics between Nikits, Lauren, Carlos and Layton. Lauren and Carlos holding hands as they exited the studio? Nikita and Layton's homo-erotically charged dance on Strictly! Nikits holding up a love heart to Layton in the crowd! All very confusing. We became qualified body-language experts: examining how Nikita stroked Lauren face (cute) to then having a rather intense, serious looking chat (a reccuring theme, given the papparazi photos that were taken showing the pair having a row at the afterparty).
So that means our winner was David 'the legs' Potts. Not disappointed and never surprised! From his constant riffs to his quest to make 'slay', well, slay again, he was the people's winner from day dot. His bestie was sobbing in the audience bless her. But any tears or spills would roll right off David's legs like water off a duck's back, they're that glossy and smooth. The
Please please please see below for my star studded interaction with David. Hear that bloke in the back who shouts 'we love u david!' well that bloke was me. I might still shop at Lidl after my rise to fame but mostly will be Waitrose and the private chef now.
- 'Hey Louis hey r u!'
- 'oh it was terrible' (many a vigorious head shakes)
- 'was it a hateful experience Louis?'
- 'oh no no but it was so hard'
- 'did you go a bit stir crazy Louis?'
- 'oh yeah it's crazy in there don't do it girls, just don't do it'
- 'thanks Louis for the advice because I was going to go into CBB before u said otherwise!'
It was truly a boy meets girl experience. No regrets saying that Louis Walsh was my fave celebrity in my Tab UK interview.
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| oh and then we saw runners wheel the celeb wheelie bin of shame past us on their way to the after parteh! |
Best day of my life! Louis is the best man in my life! I never knew the true meaning of love until this night.
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