Ranking the best drink contexts

A definitive ranking of how good a beverage hits, depending on its *very* specific location of consumption.

Shower beer

An urban myth surely. I've heard of people singing miss shower beers' praises (is it a boy thing??), but I can't say I've ever relished the delights. It's a logistical nightmare as far as I'm concerned. Water dripping into the beer, making it more of a 0.0% mixed with fake tan and Cien lemon and tea tree shower gel. Sounds like a craftbrew wet dream. If you're getting ready for a night out, the chances are, the shower is a quick rush job, purely business and no pleasure. Save the drink for the getting ready chunk of the evening, when your makeup is going rubbish and you need beer goggles of your own just to feel better about your own final look.

Best for: Corona

Best paired with: The holy 'SSS'

Rating: 1/5

Tube tin

There's something extraordinary in seeing people drink on the Tube, especially when there's a sign prohibiting drinking on public transport above their glazzed eyes. Rebels without causes. Tube tinniing is a very inclusive institution, everyone can get involved, any day of the week, any time. There's the labourers with a beer in hand, there's the mummas on route to Abba Voyage with their pre-mixed tins, and there's the revellers on route to Infernos. Admitedlly, a Thursday-Saturday tube tin razzles my dazzle the most, because its a deconstructed pres. Weekday tube tins often recieve dirty looks from the commuters, which simply feels like a delicious act of defiance against the 9to5. To TFL and to the Mayor of Ldn, your journey juice matters xx
x

Best paired with: the District Line and a two-mins to the tube dash to the station's M&S

Rating: 4/5

Journey juice in the uber

Hell hath no fury like a girl hecticly necking squadka when the Bolt is outside and your waiting fee is screaming. 

Once you've poured a shit mix of everyone's drinks into the empty Tesco fizzy water bottle, you're left with a pinkish, brownish potion. A poor womens Long Island Iced Tits. This drink tableau is all about the art of acting nonchalant; from barely giving your 1L bottle of piss a second look, treating it more as an accidential accessory with sans intention of drinking it. There's the subtle unscrewing of the bottle top before you catch the beedy look of the driver in his mirror... God has a special seat in Heaven for the drivers who are sweet with you guzzling away (they might even try a sip themself!), and they'll deffo let you get on the aux. And, my personal fave, is the Key Stage 3 acting that your 45 units of vodka is actually, in fact, water. The over-egged screams of 'do you want somE WaTEr!?' as you lob the sharing goblet to your pal in the front, who is desperately making chat with the driver and single-handedly clawing back ur uber rating.

Best paired with: the reliable friend who can chat for England with the uber driver

Rating: 5/5

Pre date shot

Ah Dutch courage, my old friend! I'm off to meet a stranger of t'web and I need a stiff tipple to stop the phrase 'you don't get a second chance at a first impression' from rattling around in my brain. The intrusive thoughts start rocking and rolling; "did I drain all my best punchlines via the medium of text?", "wot if I say 'i'm gonna go poo' instead of 'im gonna go pee'"?! and he thinks im revolting!! I've heard there's different ratio sweet spots, a vodka tonic followed by a last minute shot whilst ur getting ready, a a beer for the journey, or a dinner of two crackers, an olive and cigarette guzzled by two large glass of the red stuff.

a graph!

Best paired with: a skim read of your Hinge conversations to refresh your memory (this will make the conversational prompts an easier transition when the time comes, and avoid mix up of the content of conversations with your army of other Hinge matches).

Rating 3/5: It's purely strategic and mixed with a bag of nerves and regret for signing up in the first place

Tampon sneak (or any other empty cosmetic product)  

The sweet mix of vodka and the dregs of So...? Kiss Me! body mist and I'm back to being 16 again. Dilulted vodka, gin, or whatever I can get my hands on from my parents' alcohol cupboard. As long as its transported in an empty cosmetic tube to avoid confiscation upon bag checks.

Best paired with: the despeation of youth

Rating: 3/5

Covert soccer mum

Drinking the hard stuff in soft scenarios... there's a naughtiness to it. Splash of Baileys in the hot choc, gulp of Communion Wine at Sunday Mass, or how about the burn of mouthwash on a humble Monday morning. It's daylight drunkeness! Casual drinks can easily slop into every area of your life... There's a reason why recovering alcoholics are advised to not consume mouth wash, poppy seeds or the Christmas trifle..all the mundane bits and boobs contain the devil's drink. 

Best paired with: a family gathering where you have to be on the sauce covertly, simply as a coping mechanism

Rating: 2/5 (kinda has a sad girl twang to it but in a hot way)

Bit dark! Get me to the beer garden with a silly Honeydew melon flavour stick from China and a pint of adult apple juice xxxx

the working week lookbook: CITV divas edition

Me and telly:

Ever since I can remember, I have structured my life around priorities. Working my way around the dinner plate? Prioritise eating the green beans first so they're out of the way. And it was always top priotity to ensure I had my ranking of Girls Aloud members secured and memorized, just incase I should be quizzed about such political alignment.

So yes, when I was in my Mike TV era (ages 7-11-current), my hierarchy of needs was very telleh-leaning. see fig 1 for details of my Key Stage 3 TV leaning preferences:

Maslow's Hierarchy Of Needs revisited 

(C)Sh(itv):

Ok! graphics r cool. But notice how CITV falls to the bottom of the food chain. CITV would always be the channel put on the bench, purely for emergency purposes but never to be seriously considered for the leading role. The likes of CBBC and Channel 4 5:30pm viewings of Four in A Bed would take priority over Citvshit anyday. 

And i'm at peace with that for the most part, its limp offerings consisted of crudely done cartoons (Horrid Henry is obv the exception to the rule), and shows were ravaged by adverts (my first taste of Capitalism and it tasted like Lelli Kelly shoes, the cuteeest shoes oh yeh!)

stop passing the buck Zuzma !!!!

and not least CITV's tacky logo...it looks like it was designed by this lot >> after a bust up in the taxi, and a stroppy call on the Samsung Galaxy :

Wait!! CITV were acc looksmaxxing to the max:

However! Like all good authors, the story arc that I had constructed for CITV suddenly shifted! I came to realise that whilst CITV lacked in substance, they more than made up for it with looks. CITV was stuffed to the brim with characters who served up looks every single afternoon, and we never even realised it. Whilst we were all at CBBC's house, wagging our tongues at Justine Littlewood's baby tee fits and the y2k vampy looks plastered all over Young Dracula, CITV divas were brewing something deliciously aesthetically pleasing. 

Don't believe me?

You''ll shit houte couture when u see it!!! 

Looks, fits, stylez from the CITV girls! Forgot those days of the week imprited socks, inspire your weekly looks in the style of some of the baddest in the business. CITV divas 43ver.

💋💋Dress your working week up according to these CXntTV Divas:👄💖💋

Monday: Mel from My Parents are Aliens

A children's sitcom about aliens who come to earth and disguise themselves as humans, in the form of foster parents. the care system is in tatters.

Mel: the older and cooler sister of the clan, dressed to the 7,8,9s all day long.

My Depop veterans would be chuckin out lowball offers left right and centre for that graphic tank and stringy belt

jarvis cocker or david tennant? either way that man looks like a cigarette
but! he's Scottish and djs at the school. so he's naturally on my hit list. 

Tuesday: Danny from Britannia High

A poor man's answer to High School Musical, for those whose parents were 2 povvo to buy Disney Channel. Quite a sensational drama. A nice stepping stone to a future watching Hollyoaks and Made In Chelsea.

fig 1. danny and lauren scissoring!

fig 1. I believe this promo shoot was the inspo behind Sabrina Carpenter's Juno: 'have u ever tried... this one?' Talk about changing up positions...

a chunky cowboy belt straight out of 2009, a muscle t tank top and a look of fear in ur eye

fig 2.if effy stonem was born on the wrong side of the tracks

he's such a style icon he already had pre-made style guides: SAY NO TO SKINNY and wristbands are in Tueday's #ootd 

celebrate ur natural beauty, blur gender norms and let the tom boy in you 'think pink'. The bootcut jean is nothing short of sensationalist media. Kenny Lamar's Super Bowl's inspo.

Wednesday: Tricky TV

Stephen Mulhern invites his audience into the 'secret circle' as we enjoy him and his gaggle of work experience interns performing SPELL-BINDING magic tricks. I pinned my entire career's hopes and dreams on this tomfoolery, and convinced myself I was going to be a magician. 

Happy hump day girls!-have some self-filled colouring books!

yes i fancy stephen mulhern from the 2000s, yes i am working through this info

it's Vegas night girls! pop on ur best BlackJack inspired looks with a red and black job lot.

the vibe is red, burgandy and mayybbee a maroon JUST make sure it's ill-fitting !!!

Thursday: Jungle Run- the monkey huns

still the gameshow that I would bet on winning. let me win my Gameboy and leave the rest of the teammates trapped in the temple in peace!

the chosen 2 monkeys when Noah decided to save them on the Arc

These girls gave us a demo in co-dependant relationships and volumising your barnet. They would literally chuck all sorts of shit at the pre-pubescent kid contestant, in the name of keeping them locked away from their man. Hot stuff. So toxic and troubled.

Also giving us a masterclass in the politics of misusing box-dye and sunshine. Green hair, and green faced with envy.

Friday: Bel's Boys 

An Irish gem, about a 9 year old band manager and a gaggle of Irish boys who look like a body- dysphoried version of Panic! At the Disco. I fear they rocked, so Paul Mescal could run and go on to fly the flag for Irish men. Blazer looks for those Thurs post-work drinkies!!

one thing about these boys, they luv a blazer with a jean. Sixth Form smart casual dress#coded 

Comrade core meets sexy office siren meets Kurt from Glee

a chris martin inspired long sleeve-short sleeve moment. sky full of slags for the waistcoat and tie combo.

Millennial things that are actually 'lit'

millennial things that i acc enjoy 

The millennial boys and girls do some things well. Or, to put it in millenial speak, they 'did a thing' (and they do it well).

We are all familiar with the archetypal family member who could obv never be racist! because their neighbour is second-generation immigrant, their meal deal of choice is the Chicken Tikka wrap with a sushi snack in the *name of culture* and they have literally never seen colour in their life!! Well, I fear that I see myself in them.. have I become what I always sought to hate?! Only, it's not a question of colour, race, or gender... it's a matter of millennium. If I'm colour-blind, then my other senses have been heightened because the stench of the millennials is REAKING. (and it smells like So... Kiss Me body mist).

let me hot box this

I've socialised with millennials, I've got family members who are millennial, and I love Robbie Williams' song, Millennium. So yes, I am a Millennial sympathesier. Feels liberating to speak my truth.

They're human too guys. Beneath the painted on skinny jeans, and underneath the 'quirky' faces posing for thier Retrica photohoot, there is a person. And whilst they're responsible for giving Gen Z some good punchlines to the same wrung-dry jokes (you've got your cheering prosexxy Boomerangs, and the great equalier Hinge prompt; 'i love men in skinny jeans' to sort the wheat (Gen Z) from the chaff(Millennialz). But it's not all bad... Yes, we have lost some good men, but we have also gained some high-value treats at the hands of those baked from 1981-1996.

bottomless brunch

colourised footage of Gen Z making peace with Millennials, 2024 

competitive drinking mixed with normalising day drinking. What is not to like! Several glasses of glorified squash and vodka, doused in ice chunks, and lined with a plate full of beige food (that will be served as a round two in the Las Iguanas toilet bowl). Mush and chips! Bottomless brunch has become lore in the Ley household, following my eldest sister (born 1993), sicking up her fifth glass of prosexxy at the table and climaxing the afternoon by vomming tabboleh in the disabled toilet. prat summer.

taking the hobits to isengard

every generation has their 'I remember exactly where I was when I heard Diana has died' moment'. I remember exactly where I was when I was exposed to my first sweet taste of the meme, an inpenetrable nectar that would weld into my brain tapestry for the rest of time. My 90s born sisters were howling at a silly little video wherby, someone (kindly), remixed The Lord of The Rings theme into a filthy, eurotrash type beat.  Trancey, ethereal and not completely disimillar to a Charli XCX b-side. Such a filthy beat, it's unhygienic. 

SO yes, the millennials might have a perverted obsession with the fantasy land (ie, Harry Potter, elves and Lord of the Rings, and the delusion that skinny jeans r the most flattering denim) BUT, this time, i'll allow the fantasy. It's camp as Christmas. P.S. the emotional bridge with Legolas and his blonde weave is nothing short of a miracle.

'that's lit'

does what it says on the tin. One of those those phrases that I began saying with a thick scoop of irony..until it stuck like an al dente Spaghetti hoop to a wall. I like 'that's lit' because its a delicious precursor to many a famous saying: 'that's litmas paper' (appeals to the GCSE Double Science girlies), 're-lit my fire' (appeals to recent viewers of Better Man and Take That comrades). Versatile and reliable.

99.9% don't know this secret!! Dermatologists HATE her!

abbreviated vocab 

'i did a thing', 'doggo', 'platty jubes', 'gas and leccy'. All Millennial classic phrases that can unite generations across the land. Bit cringe? Yaspolutely. Bit addictive? Like MSG. I personally enjoy the Millennial persuasion of stunted vocab because it's every lazy girl's dream to short cut words and skip to the good bit. yes pls. 

Millennials are single-handily mental heath deniers. makes me sick

i had to hold space for this ye oldee classic because it felt right. iVape. 

thinking a #hashtag is a good substitute to a joke punchline

it's lazy and adds absolutely 0 to the comedic value of a joke.. yet, I love it. Just adding a keyword to the joke's material as an extra buzzword. It's like SEO but make it funny. A cheap laugh.

#yuck! #comedyshorts #LOL #rofl

Being defensive and hyper-sensitive

a comment on a Buzzfeed article (self-fulfilling prophecy); '40 Things People Roasted Millennials for loving' 

We all know a Millennial who is too quick to defending their Millennial positive stance. Border-line defensive and hyper-sensitive to a sniff of criticism about their most prized possession; being born in the 80s/90s. 

Question for the board.. if there's nothing to feel guilty about, then WHY are you acting so defensive Millennials?

As a hyper-supersonic sensitive soul, I felt this one.

x

2024 the rundown: day 8: animals that had 2024 in a chokehold

The animals that had 2024 in a chokehold

The horse who went to Turkey

A film that I am both so excited and yet so nervous to watch. Two things can be true at the same time! An expected harrowing watch as two national treasures fall in love, have a child and then face a terminal diagnosis, it is one of 2025's most talked about tragic romcoms. However, We Live In Time got lips smacking back in 2024 with its initial film poster, that featured the protagonists and a spotlight hogging horse who looked like he'd done a season in Turkey and an all nighter in Bristol. Veneers and pupils the size of my fist? Groundbreaking.

Moo deng, the slimy pork

A baby pygmy hippo who went viral because she's *sassy* (that one was for you my Millenial huns) and super slimy. She does look like a strip of charcoal toothpaste on my toothbrush, only slimier. Pure grease. one pat of moo deng and your hand would simply be dripping. wet floor sign activated. she is doing bits for Thailand's tourist board however (which helps me sleep at night, given my foiled plans to visit Thailand-i don't know how Bangkok would cope without another SW Ldn girl drinking a fish bowl in the name of culture)!!!!

The meme loyally used in every Millenial WhatsApp group chat

Another one for the Milleniali. This dog earned his strips by being the face of the doge meme, loved by millenials and Elon Musk alike. Trump's number 1 slut!!!, and apparent economic advisor to Don, Elon Musky named his Department of Government Efficicency as a wink, wink, nudge, nudge to the Doge meme. It's a weird link and then DogeCoin came and made it all weirder.

Snoop Dogg became a sporting legend

For some reason, Snoop Doggy Dogg could be spotted at basically every event of the 2024 Olympics. You call it patriotism, I call it teaching an old dog new tricks. Woof. I am glad he used his leggy ways for some good. 

Mokey Man

Robbie Williams screaming, "for the next 2 hours your ass is mine" but in the form of a CGI monkey was not on my 2024 bingo card.. but i've never been more thrilled to hand over my ass, gift wrapped, and bestow it to such a charismatic monkey man. The ex Take That member told his life story and rocky road to fame via a personified monkey man (because it's Robbie Williams and he will always be the one saying "let's do a silly one!!" at school picture day). He's a kook! He's manic pixy dream boy (chimp) who looks concerningly hot stuff in his blonde buzz and adidas era...

so fit r u kidding me rn

2024: the RUNDOWN: day 7

3 Traitors and a Baby

What do Jacqueline Wilson novels, Conor Maynard and The Nativity all have in common? Daddy issues.

2024 did a number on us with a two-in-one 'who-dun-it' news story...

Season 2 of BBC's The Traitors burst onto our screens as the murder mystery programme introduced us to a batch of freshly baked contestants, keen to uncover the group's traitors and faithfuls. Charlotte Chilton, a likeable faithful (who lost aura points due to her slight teacher pet vibes n dat), entered onto our screens, none the wiser than in a year's time, she would be the Daily Mail's golden girl... 

After unexpectedly falling pregnant after several lost pregnancies, Charlotte shared the lovely news that she was baking a seeds sensations in the oven. But the ball really started rolling in June 2024, when she revelved that the father of her baby was... Conor Maynard!!! in an Instagram post that could laugh any other Wagatha Christie style post out of the room., Charlalala revealed that she and her baby would not be kept a dirty secret and revealed that the 'Can't Say No' singer was indeed, dad. 

Conor still has not publicly commented on his fatherhood but the baby is literally Maynard's face with a bow on its head. apple<3tree

She broke the internet (at best, dismantled The Mirror for the better half of a Sunday morning) and exposed the drams that after meeting The Traitors wrap party, the pair shared a special hug and voila! *stage right, ENTER baby Penelope*. Things got icey quick, however, when Conor quickly ghosted Charlotte and expressed zero interest in co-parenting or getting to know his baby. Sandwhiched inbetween Denise Welch and the rest of ITV's Loose Women, 'ar Char has had Loose Women interviews, featured in more Daily Mail articles than you could shake a Conor Maynard stick at, and been very vocal on her Instagram regarding the baby drama.

Feeling like Maynard tried to 'silence' her, after apparently changing his initately positive tune into a negative one, Charlotte unashamedly shared her news and has always been open in the fact that she has given him the option to know his daughter.

If Conor had been sat at that Round Table, i fear he would soon become the meal served upon it.

It's all very BBC and its one of those random British sub-culture news stories that will never stop being the hand that feeds me. It's bonkerz.

"girls girls girls I just CAN say no" apparently :/

Willy Wonka Experience advent calenduh 6

On February 24th 2024, I applied for my Scottish passport, popped on a Glasgow accent tutorial (aka mindlessly tapped the better half of my day through Ella from Love Island's Snapchat stories) and ate the hot girl Wonkidoodle diet consisting of 2 jelly jeans and a plastic cup of own brand lemonade. Because nothing tastes as good as having sugar coated veneers feels! Confused? #metoo. But if you can guess what i'm subtly hinting at, then, well... you must be chronically online! You'll understand I'm tarnishing my journalistic aspirations of being next to Jacqueline Wilson in the literary canon time on Blogger.com to introduce today's topic: THE WILLY WONKA EXPERIENCE.

i I owe the better part of this year to Scotland and its hand in what quickly became the most viral flop since crustless sliced bread. soggy! THE WILLY WONKA EXPERIENCE entered our brains and settled into our hearts when a photo of this girl emerged online:

pretty sure i got this Crazy Science! kit when I was 8 and made my very own 'lava lamp' (aka an old Lucozade bottle stuffed with food colouring stained vinegarette)

the Wonkidoodle behind the smile: the actors who were hired to play the Oompa Loompas hide a world of pain, memes and CARTCHY tunes behind their smiles.

A torn apart 'oompa loompa' with a shag haircut and a face that could launch a thousand ships. She looks like the kooky celebrity contestant that goes out in week 3 of Strictly Come Dancing after one failed comedic cha-cha too many. In a similar way that Zimbardo's Stanford Prison Experiment ended a week prematurely due to increasingly violent behaaviour,  The WilsWonks Experience ended within a few hours of opening... only far more psychologically harrowing.

'pasadisth' is saying 'paradise' with a mouth full of peas

In a storm of piss poor AI designed promotional posters, clinically depressing ticket prices at £35 a pop, and promises of 'exarsedray lollipops', parents were keen to take their child for a fun-fuelled day out. Like Cadbury World but with less worker rights and even less Cadbury Misshapes.

more money than sense? Facebook mums bought tickets purely based on these AI-generated posters

Organised by House of Illuminati, what was promised to be an interactive experience comprised of spectcular set designs, insane visuals, Wonka-inspired theatrical performances and scrumdilumptious sweets treats left visitors feeling more sour than sweet...

Imagine the worst Don't Tell The Bride venue decorations you've seen and then minus a couple more rented props...

this vibe! but oh so much more bleak

'imagination lab' because they left EVERYTHING to the imagination

i lurve minimalism!

yes, a cheque is a cheque but this ain't worf being on my Monzo Wrapped 

The characters at this Wonka meet and greet convention include (are are limited to) 'Willy McDuff': if Trainspotting's Sick  Boy was addicted to smoking candy sticks instead of crack pipes.

Because God Forbid Roald Dahl sued for copyright! A close shave!! 

In true WonkaEx style, the McDuff actor was given the script the Friday teatime before the Saturday's event. In equally lastminute.com style, an Oompa Loompa actor (sorry, 'Wonkidoodle') attended a dress rehearsal the day before the event and was handed her Amazon Primed costume the morning of.

The whole thing was a flop from head to tail. There was an imagined character called 'The Unknown' who is absolutely cack ur pants scary and sent kids home crying. But miss Unknown is Kunt and really said 'such such thing as small parts'!

Cher when she said 'mom i AM a rich man'

People CALLED the POLICE because they were so outraged as the scammery and tomfoolery that they had entered into. Kids were crying. Jelly beans were rationed out to two beanz per kid. Skinnies!

But in true happy ending style...Felicia Dawkins (the superstar who brought 'The Unkown' to life) made a guest appearance at the London Dungeons due to her "clearly natural" acting skills when mastering "the art of the scare".

And! for the ultimate happy ending, Channel 5 made a documentary about the Wonka fiasco. And we all know the height of stardom is having a Channel 5 doc, whereby reality TV circuit goers pop 10pence into themselves and have a few words on the situation. Bisou!