Monday, 9 December 2024

Advent CalenDUH! TRESsa May #3

 Brat Summer! Love it, hate it, look hot when ur bumping it- whatever your poison, brat summer took over like thighs to a leather sofa during British Summer Time.

Brat (coined after Charli XCX's latest album) was crowned Collins word of the year. Charles XCX really did a number on us and became brat of the year after a career of scaling the walls of greatness and for thinking that this was was big inGermanywhatthefuckahhhh.


Like the rise of any good trend, brat summer was over as soon as it began. The true essence of bratation, is being brat without EVER saying I’m brat. I think therefore I am (not). I do however, enjoy how the world’s embrace for brat has normalised pseudobrat behaviors ie; being hideously late to everything and anything, using your mouth as your drinking vessel to mix drinks in on a night out, and raw dogging a couple of lint encrusted Extra gums (cool breeze only) in the pocket of your jeans bc you’ll never buy your own tub. I like that. What I don’t like is actively doing ratty things just so u can say ‘it’s brat summer’ afterwards. Losing the charm babes. Myself and a friend once discovered a member of staff had left the bar's vault door open. The dungeon held all the good stuff; your Moets, your Cirocs, your Pinots, your VKs and what have you. We strolled in and each of us brazenly popped a bottle of prosexual (Prosecco) into our bags (big slouchy bags because it’s brat summer and little tiny tingy bags jusy won’t accommodate the props needed to be a brat!) steal from the rich, eat the rich, give to the poor !

this was brat for two reasons:

A felonious crime of passion involving a trashy, post-ironic alcohol of choice (the more on the nose alcohol, the better ie, prosexxy, Chardonnay, Lambrini)

We became the life and soul when we popped open our bottles on the dance floor

It was very anti-brat however, when my friend announced ‘it’s brat summer!’ after our petty theft had been committed. being self-aware is hot but checking your brat privellge is not bratty. it's brattish. difference.

Appaz the brat way of life comes after its predecessor trend of the clean girl aesthetic; a trend glamorising  minimalism, sleekness, slick hair, quiet luxury, and all round having your sugar honey iced tea together. Meanwhile brat is cheap, easy and messy. Come as you are ; unwashed hair, last night's makeup, 3 hours of sleep and a carefree, messy nature to your name! According to founding father Charli, brat is a bold and brazen party girly who says dumb things, parties through the mess that is her life, wears a strappy top, no bra and loves herself unapologetically (but is probs on the cusp of an existential 24sev). Yes, aka, means whatever you want it to be.

bratz inc: kamala harris

this sausage sandwich
and julia fox 

brat summer was over as soon as people started to catch on that brat was in the air. perhaps a symptom of its predecessor trend: rat summer, brat summer was a blip better left behind in 2024. 



Wednesday, 4 December 2024

ADVENT CALENDUH! numero duo

The rise of lookalike competitions!

pretty sure he offered me this vape in the Infernos smoking area last Friday night 

I love how 2024 became the year where lookalike competitions became an accepted form of social gathering. My sister Pom and I have a God-given gift of pinpointing people's lookalikes. We will bestow A-Listers and family friends with their doppelgangers, plucked from pools of A-Listers and Z-Lister faces a like- all shitmixes of faces are created equal. It's a bittersweet symphony seeing a man from Leicester get applauded on his gene pool simply because he bears a lukewarm resemblance to Harry Styles. It's genetic engineering but make it organised fun! It's silly fun and a perfect opportunity to find a boyfriend that is a low rate Timmy Wonka Chalamet. Or even bag yourself the real thing if it's anything like the lookalike event where the real Zimmy Zimmy made a cameo! 
There have also been Harry Styles, Heath Ledger, Zayn Malik and Dev Patel contests to name a few.
this Harry Styles contest line up if The Vamps and The Wanted got a freebie
There has been a Paul Mescal lookalike competition where in true rat king culture, the winner won 20 euro (or 3 pints).
if this was a party shop unofficial costume for Connell from Normal People, the outfit would be labelled 'handsome irish fella who has mental elf issues but is troubled in a hot way TV character'

There's been a recent influx in these lookalike contests that have seemingly sprung up from nowhere.  Stuart Heritage offers a few meaty theories that might explain this sudden trend: 
-good publicity for the celebrity in question (or, I suggest, great publicity and 5 seconds of fame for the contest winner)
-an external protest against the increasingly sinister rise of AI and deepfakes
-just a bit of wholesome fun amidst a storm of globally troubling times

https://www.theguardian.com/culture/2024/nov/12/celebrity-lookalike-contest-chalamet-mescal


Fun! I fear if there was a lookalike contest for me, a load of Micheal Jackson lookalikes who just happened to be in the local area would pop along and give it a go xxx















Tuesday, 3 December 2024

Advent calenDUH! day numero unero 1

tits the season to be merry, bright and shooting off obnoxiously lowball offers on Vinted as your last minute christmas buying kicks in.

because i don't really have a grandparent to my name anymore, my parents think i'm not a child anymore (literally don't know what this is about) and i'm too stinge to buy a £1 advent calendar on myself, I have decided to make my own advent calendar via the medium of Blogger.com
Yes, I'm polluting my digital footprint for every day in December. And no, I won't have the cheap thrill of saving up 5 chocolate windows and binging on them all in one hit. But, if Zoella can do Vlogmas, then I can do this Advent CalenDUH! As the famous saying goes! Rome wasn't built in a day but Zoella's infamous advent calendar sure was 
So welcome to the cheese board you weren't expecting on Christmas... Cheeseluver02 counts down the 24 most iconic moments of 2024
it's not a brie wheel but it sure does have a honk to it!
the lipstick is nothing short of the woman from CBBC's 'Trapped'
yer trapped




Day number one: the highs and lows of CELEBRITY COUPLES 2024


barry and sabrina i am coming for you
Love, Instagram breakup statements and ozempic is in the air. 2024 was a big year for many celebrities' luv lives. For many, it was time to ditch the doomscrolling of Raya, whilst others were struck down by Cupid's NERF Rebelle arrow <3 

There are some shockers, some long-time-coming-ers and some white bread+coke mixes (aka a combo you wouldn't necessarily put together, but when they're all smooshed and mixed up in ur mouth, are actually rather pleasant).


handbag essentials: every girl needs their own 'heartbreaker bow and arrow'


Millie Bobby Ooooh and BJ child got mazatroned!
britney 2007 <3

Child bride realness!
she'll always be my buzzcut baddie ! Our ‘11 secured the nepotism bloodline and wedded Jake Bonjela. Bored by 7, left moving things with my mind at 11, married at 20


Tommy Furyious and MollyMae called it quits

This one cut me deep and I do get deep about these things actually. I had to leave my seat I’ll be honest with you. I stand with my comfrafes who took sick leave in the wake of this news. Just hope Bam Bam

ratty healy and gabbriette get engaged



 And I know i shouldn’t be jealous but I’m confused because i am jealous. Do I want to be her or be with her?  She looks like my bratz doll (in the words of Sophie, or is it Olivia) in Cameron Diaz sci-fi thriller classic 'The Holiday'. Or do I want to be the awful wedded wife to ratty Healy (I don’t want to be him! way too much effort batting of the Swifties with a long stick)





Jlo and Bflick
devvoed! As someone who has an unhealthy obsession with soul mates and all that cup a soppy stuff, I was rooting for you. We were all rooting for u. Just do it for ur people. Give them another 20 years and the care home love affair will be electric. We have hope.



King Kylie and Timmy Wonka

"Dada Tiny tim  can u buy me a lip kit for Christmas in
Ompa lumpa flavour please" or cousin Northie will put u in the Wonka Experience


king kylie 2016 era

Irish coffee

That’s that me Irish coffee cream liquer ! Sabrina Carpenter and BArry Keodofjosjdf had to be the most unexpected couple ever! how did they meet? what do they talk about? has sabrina tried Taytos yet? A couple of chaos I fear. Always fun to see the man behind the lyrics of 2024’s anthems such as Juno and BedChem





maya and stormzy
the people's princesses. wish they stayed together. that's all i want for rizmas.



eamon and ruth


Wff I can’t believe I’m the child of divorce. Never forget my glory days of spending my Friday free period at home watching itv+1's (now, somewhat disgraced) 'This Morning'.Ruth and Eamon would be giddy with excitment talking about their weekly ‘Friday fun’ session… clearly a last ditch attempt at relighting that fire that Take That spent all of the 90s trying to do . Then they did 'Celeb Googlebox' just as a last cry for help. Always a passion killer having your box viewing sandwhiched between Ellie and Izzie of' Leeds chatting about their latest diets.



lana del rey and aligator man

2024 was THE year of coquette, bows and Mary Janes that finally don't look like a orthopaedic shoe! lana married Jeremy Dunfrene aka an aligator tour guide. I don't know why we are all so panicked about AI and ChatGPT- Lana Del Rey is literally an AI version of herself at this point. cig, older man with guns and God, cherry day dreams, oh I'm a sad woman be my bad baby la la la.



talulah riley and the wee boy from Love Actually 
Miss Evangelista having a hoot on the snapchat filterz

I’m glad the print magazine industry is  gasping its last breath because seeing a picture of talulah riley as Miss Evangaleista in my sister's Doctor Who Magazine taught me to NEveR! eve. DTB. Ever. Again.

Francesca Farago and Jesse Sullivan
Francesca farage has finally had the twins and I may have not been an official step mum, but i was the mum that stepped up. I was there 24/7: in the middle of the night, on my way to work, on the toilet, I have worked day and night to watch her snapchat stories and keep updated with the twin's progres.
I have a friend who took a trip to the loo at work dedicated to watch her Snapchat stories talking about the birth. The influencer family continues.




Catherine and Austin Mcbroom broom

I’m forced (it's my own active choice unfortunately) to watch his Snapchat stories for some reason.  Have watched some of their prank videos for educational  reasons and been led astray by click baiting Snapchat articles  about his alleged cheating rumours.  Whatever happened, i was discombulated by seeing that miss Catherine is loved up with a new man ! reminder to check in with influencers more often because they change like the wind.

Hannah Montana's mums marries the sisters fling

What big eyes you have! All the better for stealing Amy daughters dont friend dear! Miley Cyrus's sister Noah was going out with her current mother's husband! trial shift vibes


Gypsy rose gets back with the ex! 
paternity results on insta is the brat summer agenda.




Rebel wilson
Miss Rebel did a full 180 and married her wife Ramona this year. And her Pitch Perfect love interest Ben Platt also got married to his husband this year. How the tables do turn turn in the Barden Bella stratesphere!


Jon Richardson and Lucy Beaumont Dave classics 
aka the Dave JaVu classics you would never know the names of but would recognise from a lineup. a shame this one. British comforting classics that u assume go to the pub and still have a laff together and get on like the next a southwest london family.


Ekin su and Dave 
MamaSu and Davide called it quits after promises of being our generation's Posh and Italian. best to leave that one in 2024 and get ekin back on celeb big brother all stars.


Thursday, 28 November 2024

#Christiancore or Christ at our core?....

Every Catholic knows that "once a Catholic, always a Catholic". And there is something in this: the muscle memory in remembering word-perfect lyrics when you hear an old primary school hymn for the first time in decades, the comforting familiarity you feel when you enter a beautiful stained-glass church, or how you First Holy Communion was still the best day your life (un-ashamedly). A lapsed Catholic’s favourite thing to talk about is the one thing they spent the better half of their life running from: Catholicism.






In today's digital age, TikTok trends come as often as Shirley Ballas does whenever a male celebrity, with a vaguely pretty face hits the Strictly Cum Dancing dancefloor on a Saturday night.

There's always a new trend popping up. 


But the latest #CatholicCore trend (under the same umbrella as Christian Core and its more problematic pal, Mexican Catholic Girl Core) has especially caught my attention. And, has sustained a pretty impressive shelf life of relevance amongst a pool of fleeting micro trends that come and go like the wind changes. (don't make that face, the wind will change and it will be stuck like that forever!!)

sooooo what is CatholicCore?

Cathlicore uses symbols and motifs well known within the Christian religion purely as fashion fodder, as a statement.

(Trimble, 2022)

Sabrina Carpenter's 'Feather' music video (filmed in a Church) is adorned with sparkly religious motifs, coffins that read 'rip bitch' and a coquette Sabs dancing in a way that definitely doesn't leave a 5cm gap for the Holy Spirit..The priest who allowed such controversial filming in his church was subsequently stripped from his duties.



Catholics don’t do things by half. I mean.. their whole 1500s mood board was literally about being the most flashy, decadent style of worship compared to their more modest Protestant brothers.
From the silken floor length garments worn by priests, to the fact that Mass is traditionally said in Latin (infamously the most bows and frills language going), Catholicism is one big theatric. Drama, decadence and threatrics. It’s all very Drama Kid/show tune/silk and gold/choirs/oh and the *literal* offering of Jesus' wafer thin body.

Kourtney Kardashian and Travis Barker's wedding in 2022 was drenched in flashy religious motifs: from an ornate Catholic alter, chunky crosses and a wedding mini dress featuring a veil emblazzoned with the Virgin Mary


Ok... why are we crazed for this Christiancor’blimey trend?


Reclaiming and reappropriating religious trauma:

Firstly, what do we mean by reappropriation?:
 
to take back or reclaim (something) for one's own purposes
trying to reappropriate a disparaging term
Hot!
We can see examples of reappropriation across many resistance movements. Typically used by minority groups who have been oppressed by the majority ie; the LGBTQ+ community reclaiming the word queer, or the aptly named SlutWalk protests coined and incited by female protesters calling out rape culture and slut-shaming. 

Disclaimer: I understand that Catholicism and Western Christianity might not be an explicitly oppressed minority group and therefore potentially unfitting for the criteria of reappropriation...I am focusing on the experience of individuals affected by religious trauma following an upbringing moulded by instutionalised religion.


Religious trauma:

Indie girlie Ethel Cain has built her music brand around her complex relationship with Christianity after her Baptist Church upbringing


Religious trauma is any trauma that takes place in a religious setting, often through psychological or emotional distress or emotionally manipulative practices.

Whilst a heavily encouraged religious upbringing might not be intentionally, or exclusively harmful, it does have the ability to negatively affect people in different ways. 

Causes of religious trauma can include:
Using guilt and fear-mongering tactics to control behavior, thoughts and feelings based on strict moral coding
Rigid gender roles being used to limit and control
Repression of critical thinking and questioning
Physical, sexual, finanical and/or emotional abuse
(Sandstone Care, 2024)

A controversial theme: The Met Gala 2018: Heavenly Bodies and The Catholic Imagination




For the majority of marginalised folk who have faced trauma and discrimination at the hands of oppressors, the act of reappropriating otherwise negative associated lanaguge and symbols is a powerful tool. Powerful in reempowrring, and taking ownership of something that has been used negatively against them and reclaiming the use of such labels and symbols to use themselves.
 If you're unapologetically labelling yourself with words that might have used to shame you, you've stripped oppressors the power to shame you via these labels and symbols. It's yours.

If your experience in the Catholic Church was anything like mine (and I actually looooved Catholic school), you might associate Catholicism with the constant reminder that we are evil sinners facing death and the firey pits of hell, or is it the sadistic, human-shaped judgements, villifying anyone who has experienced thoughts and feelingss of sexual desire?  (Belfield, 2022)

girlish bows are a Catholic Core staple!

Apart from the fact that genuine Christian teaching is built around a benevolent God who encourages us to be full of hope with the good news that Jesus loves us sooo much that he died for our sins already!!.. Catholicism possesses an unfortunate histroic reputation of being all fire and brimstone; eventually pushing disgruntled people away from faith all together. And of course, if your only exposure to the Church has been one of fear and shame, then why would you want to stick to it... 

i like the confidence, hate the crop
 if i wore this to Church I would be like a widow stood on a porch wrapping her XXL cardigan around her waist trying to cover up this sacreligious little tee shirt







This might explain the rise in ex-Catholic girlies, rebelling against purity culture, in the interest of self-expression and individualism. Donning a crucifix, sporting a cropped tee with 'GOD's FAVOURITE' emblazzoned across the tits, knee high socks with Mary Jane shoes and bows in their hair: it’s Catholic style but make it sexy. The provocative and confrontational language used in this counter-Catholic aesthetic is desperate to declare that 'I no longer belong to you, God! I'm in control of my life now!' A visual FU to the years of shame and fear-mongering surrounding sexual identity, and desire to stand out as an individual. How better to piss off the Church that surpressed you for decades than to dress as a sexified version of the quintessential Catholic gurl.


Rebellion and Individualism:

In a secular post-modern time, we are increasingly driven by individualism. In the Western world at least, we are ruled by neo-liberal principles that encourage the individual to solely rely and focus on themself, and not work as part of a collective (Blakeley, 2021) We are surrounded by products that promise to maximise individual potential; from the myriad of self-help books, individual's reliance of on 'manifestation' to obtain desires and goals, body enhancements and beauty products, to our ruthless obession with fame, power and climbing to the top of the career ladder (Heintz, 2017).
TikTok is the light calorie alternative to the equally trust worthy (and scrumptits) fortune cookie xx                      






Just look at how far we are straying from collectivism: the decline in religious community (with a drastic jump from 75% Britons believing in God in 1981, to less than half in 2022) evidencing how Gen Z are the least religious generation compared to their predecessors (Kings College London, 2023). Or perhaps, the crumbling of the welfare state (from relentless cuts to the NHS, leaving dementia suffers to their own devices and the closure of youth inititives to name a few). And most recently, the neglect of elderly lives during COVID-19, to the current discussion of the End of Life Bill, we are a drifting society.

Some dubious about the proposed End of Life Bill are concerned that it could be used non-ethically against the disabled, elderly, homeless and improvished 



just reminicsing... addison rae getting cancelled for her 'father son and the holy spirit' bikini

Significantly, we notice that the majority of images and aesthetics associated with Catholic girl Core are hyper sexualised and ultra feminine. Think Lana Del Rey, Sabrina Carpenter and the glamour of the hyper-femme 2000s lacey, Coquette, girlish but sexy, diamente-cross drenched  celebrities like Victoria Beckham and Paris Hilton.
that's hot! 
mum and dad in the 90s

A visual protest against something that once symbolised repression and fear, turned into individualism and bold self-expression. It just so helps that the gold, glitzy, hyper-femme Catholic aesthetic is so fashion-coded, and popularised by celebs whose style we love and replicate. A secular society has replaced its idolisation of God, with the new-age idolisation of celebrity and the aesthetic.
colourised footage of the Virgin Mary being a MUA  


But is this all a sign of craving religion?

Humans are hard-wired to crave a sense of belonging... call that evolutionary survival tactics or call it a sign that we were made in the image of a higher creator.. A creator who craves a deep and personal relationship with us so much that He did something about it! And sent His son to Earth so that we could know and live through him. Before having a personal relationship with Jesus, I thought religion was just an excuse to control and fear-monger a society into submission and order. I had never considered that there was Jesus at the centre... which sounds odd considering every morning began with a prayer and I was Year 6's longest reigning Prayer Table Monitor . But hey! whatver floats your fishing boat!

There's a nostalgia in digging out your old Catholic memrobillia, and with nostalgia comes a deep sense of comfort. But what if this comfort is a sign of God drawing us deeper to Him? What if wearing a cross goes further than aesthetics... and deep down, we know there's a profound spirital meaning behind the cross. A cross that represents a God that loves and saves.

And whilst we cling onto the popular (and varryingly comforting),  man-made soul searching techniques of meditation, crystal girlies and human-focused spirituality, we are never too far from the next existental crisis. The big whats, whos and whys about life, our purpose and our existence. And surely only an all-knowing, all-loving, all-powerful God has those answers... So next time you're on Depop about to send a shockingly lowball offer on that pink diamente 'genuine 2000s, worn by Lindsey Lohan' cross necklace, why not be open to getting to know the God who created that cross because he la la la la la loves you. 



Sunday, 27 October 2024

An ode to One Direction's ridiculous song lyrics

X-Factor was nothing short of a miracle. 
X-Factor Series 6 provided panel shows and Britain Got's Talent amateur impressionists alike with the greatest Essex gift-wrapped prize; Stacey Solomon. Or perhaps your palette is more suited to series 9 where Gary Barlow blew my socks off into the top of the Eventium Apollo with his: "I don't know whats more offensive, your comments or that FAG ASH BREATH" zinger response to original female boss Tulisa.
feminism in colour, 2011
But most importantly, series 7 of XXL Factor birthed One Direction.  
It was a series that single-handedly corrected an otherwise accepted stat and fact via the medium of its 2010 boyband offering. This statistical urban legend that the Sexxy-Factor kindly refuted will send the National Census survey screaming:
  • Myth: there was an estimated 31 million UK population of men in 2010
  • Fact: in actuality, only 5 men actually existed in 2010 !!!! 
If you weren’t one of the big five (aka one of the one direction boys) then u were vaccuous space. Consider your manhood finito, kaput, nish, nada, gone. chopped liver. Nobody else would do (apart from maybe Robbie Williams) when it came to eligible bachelors.
Harry: the charmer
Niall: the Irish one
Louis: the cheeky one
Zayn: the mysterious one
Liam: 'Daddy Direction'

I suddenly had a tough decision to make. Which one of these boys would make me the happiest eight-year old alive? I had to choose one. This was a choice that would have serious implications. Which of these boys would I develop Stockholm Syndrome for when they inevitably kidnapped me as a sign of their undying love (as the majority of high calibre Wattpad fan fictions had convinced me would be the start of our love affair)?! Which of their surnames is the most compatible with my name? Fail to prepare, prepare to fail and all that razzmatazz. And which of their haunting ken dolls would I buy first?

the skinny, the bootcut, the Mom fit
But One Direction were not just heartthrobs, they were lyrical geniuses. These boys were boundary pushers- intent to push their luck and see just how much lyrical lunacy they could get away with.

Here are some of their stupidest lyrics:

“Waking up beside you, I'm a loaded gun, I can't contain this anymore” 
No Control

Kickstarting with a lyric that puts the rank in ranking, truly. Very vivid, very animalistic, very second amendment in the Constitution. Essentially, Louis Tomlinson scraping together a music career by singing about his raging morning glory. It’s giving NoFap. One strike and he’s out kinda behaviour if u get my jizzst.


“I can make your tears fall down like the showers that are British.”  

Over Again 

This lyric is crazy. So stupid. Barely even a half rhyme to its name let alone a full rhyming couplet to justify this ridiculous line. When I was a young thing I thought they were singing about bathroom showers - as in TopTiles power shower situation. Growing up is when u realise they’re making a polemical jab at the wet wet wet British rainy weather ! Stupid and camp as Christmas.


“The words you whispered I will always believe, “I want you to rock me, rock me, rock me yeah”  

Rock Me 

If someone whispered that they would like me to, please and thank you, rock them, I would personally NEVER believe. The One Direction boys talk like a book: a fan-fiction book written by 14 year old. 


"I want you to hit the pedal, heavy metal, show me you care. I want you to rock me, rock me… yeah”   

 Rock Me

Yeah sorry this one again! Not done with this harsh rock and roll number just yet. Whilst I subscribe to the ABAB rhyme scheme, the metal, biker, leather and broken bike chain imagery is so aggressive. Weirdly angst fuelled and pseudo sexy. I fear the boys are saying “treat me like a rag doll girly!!” Gender roles flipped I guess. A feminist anthem. Still, genre defining.


“My mother told me I should go and get some therapy. I asked the doctor ‘can you find out what is wrong with me?’ I don’t know why I wanna be with every girl I meet”  

Alive 

This song forced me to stop living in my Catholic shame drenched denial that the 1D boys were young, innocent and by no means…umm active. My denial reached heights I never thought i would reach in 2014, when news broke that Louis Tomlinson was fathering a child after a short lived fling! The birds AND the beas were part of One Direction. And as if I needed anymore confirmation that they were getting a leg over, they released ‘Alive’. An anthem all about their sex addiction. So crippling an addiction, their mother got involved to the point of medical intervention. And it gets worse! The girl in the song encourages him on the basis that, “hey, it’s alright! it makes you feel alive” #enabler #toxic


“With a sign on my back saying, "Kick me"
  Reality ruined my life (go, Tommo, go)” 
I Would 

If Hawaiian shirts and piña coladas had a Twin Flame, it would be this song. The Isle Of Fernando Spanish guitar scats at the beginning transport me to sun, sea, and reality ruining my life #every girl needs these 3 essentials in her holiday bag! 

talk about painting an image in the reader’s mind! So visceral, so April Fools. Bit of slapstick never fails. Kicking K on the back for Louis when he realises he’ll never compare to his love interest’s hot stuff boyfriend (“he’s got 27 tattoos” after all!) so he does feel the fool. Nice bit of oxymoron too with the teen angst ridden line that really ruined his life.

Go Tommo Go in the parenthesis adds a brownie point for group camaraderie and support. Still, one of 1D’s most iconic songs. Love her till the day reality ruins my life.

“She floats through the room on a big balloon”
Girl Almighty

This song is ramadanwith religious imagery, so the possibilities were vast when writing a metaphor to describe just how out of this world and divine this girly really is. But no, they settled on "big balloon". Images of trepidatiously straddling your legs over a ginormous space hopper spring to mind. Clumsy, out of control and butch. Sexy stuff. 


Long live One Direction. And rest in peace Liam Payne- you will be greatly missed. 

                   ðŸ’«Liam James Payne, 1993-2024💫




 

 

 

 


Tuesday, 8 October 2024

Confessions of a Barista #1


We've all seen those Primark slogan tops adorned by Facebook mothers and charity shop rails alike. The really high-fashion, haute couture numbers that give the reader strict instruction to: DO NOT talk to me before I've had my COFFEE. Unfortunately, due to the placement of your t-shirt's fontage, gives the unfortunate impression that the reader is staring straight at yer tits. As Katie Price once said say, the nipples are the eyes of the face. As you were.

Whether coffee is your morning glory, or you've trained your taste buds to simply tolerate coffee after the use and abuse of your mum's Pret Subscription (heaven truly has gained an angel)- coffee has become nothing short of an institution.  


The Barista Script



💓#DoNOTGetBritainTalking

I'm a barista (please to be confused with barister). So when people ask me what I do for a living, I tell them i'm a key worker. I might not get a NHS 10% discount but I do save lives. 

One frapalapamochacino at a time.

Being a barista is quite the universal experience. Whether you steam milk in a chain coffee shop or you faf about in an independent cafe with a silly, over-compensating name like Latte Ass or Your Fave Toxic-Expresso, all baristas are created equal. We are experts in fake laughter, caffeine dependency and over-handling the noisy milk steamer to cover up off-hand comments you make about that one overly-familiar customer. 

It's our job to make you feel welcomed in and relaxed and read the room. No shift is complete without tossing out lines from the customer service script. Customer who is a bit frazzled? Well... "It's because you haven't had your coffee yet!" Barely gets some air blown out of their nose for a response, let alone a proper laugh. But what's a polite puff of nose air between friends! 

When you ask if they would "like some sugar with that"? you hover for 2-3 business working days and fake laugh in anticipation for the inevitable "no thanks! i'm sweet enough" customer reply. Now That's What I Call Funny! 0121Rofl. 

A Venti please!


Personal Specification: I'm proficient in identity crisis and latte art


Being a barista, I find myself talking like I’m playing a caricature of myself. Most of the time, my brain doesn’t know what’s about to come out once my mouth has already begun the talking (mistake). In a desperate attempt to appease to the SW postcoded masses of whom I work for, I start referring to loyalty cards as ‘bad boys’ and call every other hot bevarage a ‘cheeky cup of Joe’.

The demographic for whom I so lovingly serve


During the hours of 8-3pm I do not know who I am. I lose myself to the music, the moment, the demographic. I'm a sponge for who and whatever the customer wants me to be. Call it immaculate customer service? I call it chronic people pleasing! xx 

I’ve started calling Freedom Pass holders ‘my love’ and in the last few months of employment, I've enjoyed more enthused conversations about house renovations and the perils of high cholestrol than I've enjoyed hot dinners! It's easier to be a YES MAN when the people slurping their skinny frappes clearly just want an ear to chat to. Plus, the retired Theatre Kid in me secretly delights in role-playing along with these cafe stock characters. Community service meets method acting.


Never work with kids or animals

Being a barista means you become the ultimate YES MAN. Forget the girl you are outside the hours of employment. You're now the everyman's confidant and therapist, the voice of wisdom and knowlege regarding just how ABSURB house prices and cups of coffee are these days, and the regent childminder, on foot to woo and coo and yabadabadoo about their sticky toddler who you swear is the "cutest baby i've ever seen! oh yes you are!" 

the baby in question #genderreveal
Worst of all are the trophy kids... Think trophy wife but 3 apples high and has an unhealthy babycino dependence (do NOT talk to me before I’ve had my Venti Skinny Babycino). 


What would you expect to look up and see after hearing the frenzied yelps of, "over here! excuse me! Come quickly!!"? The scene of a crime perhaps, or the breaking of some serious news per chance. How about just an obnoxiously-proud grandmother showing off their baby grandson who did something vaguely resembling a smile in your vague direction? Of course this justifies dropping EVERYTHING to marvel in wonder... the baby whose idea of a sick joke is decorating the floor with a village-worth of crossiant crumbs and Frube splodge every afternoon. If you're making coffee for the mums, babies and over-bearing grandkids, paint on that smile and make the best babycino yet-it'll make the hours fly quicker and the £11.44 p/h taste even sweeter.

Children are the future. But then again, so is Climate Change xx



Advent CalenDUH! TRESsa May #3

 Brat Summer! Love it, hate it, look hot when ur bumping it- whatever your poison, brat summer took over like thighs to a leather sofa durin...