my definitive ranking: the sICKness list

things that give me the sickness (a la Millie MacIntosh) 

basically, the year was 2012 and horray henrietta Millie MacIntosh was stomping the Chelsea and Kensington streets in her boho-chic, fluffy gillet, teeny weeny shorts and feathered fedora. A woman who donned many iconic phrases, that have earned her name in the literary canon along with the greats. She may have been the woman whom called out her bestie and then boyfriend (now husband and baby papa) Hugo for hooking up whilst donning a delicious 1920s get-up, toasting 'here's to friendship.' Gosh they do not make them like this anymore.

the star of our show!

2012 was the year of an increasingly vivacious social calendar for the UK: The London Olympics, the Queen's Diamond Jubilee, David Cameron leaving his daughter in t'pub!

poor sod not surprised she's clinging onto her mother like that

However, an unsung author of history was emerging at this time. Amongst this rich cultural tapestry, Millicent McIntosh was weaving her own brightly coloured thread into pop culture lore.

Mental Maths equation: please work out the following addition sum.

1

+ 

2 

answer 

=poetry in motion

The Tosh has many an iconic moment in her roster, from calling Spencer Matthews a baker boy (due to his Kiera Knightly inspired baker boy cap), marrying Proffesor Green for the shits and gigs, and expressing faux surprise that her dog did not like MIC's Victoria Baker-Harber, given that "he usually gets on with other dogs". 

However the it-girl of the upper class also broke boundaries and class divides alike when she coined the great equaliser, the one social phenomenon that unites girlies worldover... Millie invented the ICK. That's right. You might be shocked to learn this, given that the ick is thought as a recently new term to name an age-old phenomen. The ick essentially describes turn-offs that could put you off a suitor for life. However back in a 2012 epsiode of Made In Chelsea, 'ar toff Tosh coined 'the sickness' to describe what we would now call 'ick behaviour'. Please see video below:

Millie describes 'the sickness' as anything remotely small that can put you off a new lover for life (in Millie's case, a guy with bad shoes). Might this be the earliest verbal evidence of the ick, before the ick was officially established? Pseudo-ickism. 

Technically, a 1997 episode of Ally McBeal coined the ick when describing an incompatible match. However, later examples of the ick include 2017's Love Island's Olivia getting the ick and using an infectious analogy to describe the penetrative nature of the sickness. 2020's Love Island Leanne also fell victim to the ick, from 'sexy side dish' Mike. And as Leanne and her girlies clarify, once you get the ick, there is no going back.

We all have sickness. So I thought I would break the stigma and talk about MY icks in this working document. 

supermarket shopping baskets inc. toilet paper

people ordering tuna melts (not me tho allow it)

'ex-presso'

ventriloquist acts

people talking too quiet

over handling food stuffs ie, hands all over a sandwhich and/or Daddy's Ketchup (awful name, worse brand) bottle

greasy hands over the tv remote/phone

laughing and saying 'yeah!' when you did not hear what someone said but cannot bear to ask them to repeat again

when you are the receipient of the dreaded above! ^^^

crumbs on lip

someone whose firstname is pluralised 

enjoys the Big Bang Theory

listens to macho macho male podcasts ie steven bartlett

makes thirst trap tik toks

thirst traps

uses snapchat filters 

tooooo baggy jeans

teenage relationships

the word "motherfucker"

being crude and crass

mirror selfies (unironic)

Off-brand fitties

A definitive guide into the fittest, dad-decandance bachelors that graced our screens on CBBC's golden years.

If this was a dissertation (which it should have been), the title would go something like this: Using an inter-sectional framework to analyse the extent of aesthic pleasure derived from male bachelors on  Children's British Broadcasting Corporation (CBBC) from the years 2000 to 2010.

But it's not! It's a silly blog. So join me if you please (and even if you don't please join me because I need all the help I can claim). Let's run through the hottest, most slept-on (and maybe slept with- fingers crossed! joke! the born again X-ChristianaTina made a quip!) eligable bachloers whom raised us as surrograte fathers, brothers and stolen kisses lovers as they appeared on our favourite CBBC shows.

Cousin Mortimer

Basil Brush's toerag cousin

that leather jacket will get me in trouble

Ok does he have an overbite that could climb trees? Duh! Someone needs to get Mortimer a turkey teef job stat. However, that chain and that damn damn pleather jacket... am i a furry?.. because I slightly fancy this man. Plus Alesha Dixon's 2008 hit "The Boy Does Nothing" should probably go about getting a rewrite, because with Mortimer's tail he would wash up, he would be brushing up , and does he clean up? Yes! Yes, he does clean up. He's a mobile hoover and he doesn't even know it. Cost-effective Mrs Hinch cleaning solutions with a Cockney Bobby Dazzler charm.

Gary Swann

His claim to fame? CBBC's My Almost Famous Family

i would eat my fedora if i ever had the chance

It's not coinkydink that Gary's surname is Swann (aka the most loyal birds of the animal kingdom). You KNOW this man would walk over hot steaming coals to make sure his woman is happy. Gary probably grew up surrounded by those little wooden signs that nans adorn their kitchen walls with. You know the decor that commands you to "let the fun be-GIN!" or or the one with that delicious recipe that mumma used to make-a: "one drop of happiness, several dollops of laughter and a big measure of togetherness makes the perfect family!" Or, most importantly a sign engraved with "happy wife happy life". And he took that and ran. A man who is there for his wife and kids, a man with such a discerning smile you almost think he's up to no good and a man who is musically gifted and so would seranade you silly. Fittie McVittie!

Mike are u joking me Milligan

CBBC's The Story of Tracy Beaker

he could just look at me funny and i would be in the family way

This man. This man whose face could launch a thousand ships whilst being Elmtree House's careworker of the year. This man is single handily responsible for the ressurgance in Britpop, bloke core, adidas zip ups and Irish men. Micheal Milligan was every little girl's first insidious crush- a crush that hid behind corners and crouched in the shadows of generic crushes from your Zac Effrons to your Marv from Charlie and Lola. Unassuming but quietly confident that one day you would wake up and realise he was there the entire time, under your nose, waiting for you to realise that you were meant to be all this time. 

Can he bake? Can he diddly!

he even reads my blog! 

And will he fix the telly for you so you can watch the beautiful game? Absobloodylutely.

photos taken moments before blokecore Britpop was invented

Ed and Oucho (together)

CBBC presentuhhhhss

Ed Petri dish(y)

These two are like chalk and cheese, toes and feet, mel and sue-they belong together!       

So, upon re-watching archival footage of this comedy duo, I realised that Oucho cannot speak in the English vernacular that you and I indludge in, but rather an amalgamation of Hispanic derived gibberish (I can say this as my mother is Spanish blah blah claro que si!) Anyway, Ed established skinny boy with a mop of hair as my tipo on papel (translated into Spanish so Oucho can read along). Oucho rocked a mullet of sorts and those arms! Ok rugby boy! All he needs is brown chinos, a dollop of misogny and a small claims court case against him and he's offically a UoB rugby boy.

Ed and Oucho in motion!          

Spot the difference! Can't? Have you seen Ed and Oucho in the same room as Tommy and Molly-Mae? Yeh... didn't think soo....

Keith

Sadie J silly, himbo car mechanic 

An Aldi version of Tyga Drew Honey but with less pornographic parents. Remember Sadie J? A silly witty nitty gritty CBBC unsung hero about "the only girl in a boy's world". And do you remember fancying the himbo that is Keith!? Because I do! He was a young thing with an accent that would challenge even the furthest East End of Faggan's Boys. He would make a lovely china plate (mate) and would rib tickle you with his silly charm and entreprentual ways. Imagine the bubble baths (laughs)! Also, he had a new girlfriend in every episode so we know he has game. Pick me, pick me to be next!

And my sentiments are shared with fellow tweeny bopper Fandom.com website (see fig.1. for reference). Enter at your own risk!

Fig. 1. shows comments on Keith's character page on Fandom.com... makes u think that

'A Fandom user' (whom deffo is not me)...had a point with these! I'm sorry but points were made!

Slink

Arthur

Rodrick Heffley!! Is that you!

No shame if you didn't recall this fella instantly. Neither did I. To be quite transparent with you, I don't even remember fancying him when I used to watch Arthur, but rather fancy him now. There's something so Zayn Malik about him (aka the 'mysterious one'). Is that because we can't see his eyes? Maybe. Is it his sweep of 2007 hair and baggy fit? Probs helps. Have I matched with carbon copies of this man on Hinge? Yes, yes I have, His chop also looks like the hair I had when I was 8 years old so maybe I'm just hyping myself up because I know the grit it takes to rock a bob and fringe with a character chin.

Alan Jackson

Maria's dilf dad from CBBC's Sarah Jane's Adventures

Yes! It's Bridget Jones' gay bestie! I remember fancying this man and fear he was the zeitgeist that triggered my inability to fancy each of my mates' dads. He flirted with the ladies and co-parented his alien frienzed teen daughter with good humour and looks. Mother is mothering!

These men are the reason I believe in Menimism.

CBB Big Brother: I was in the LIVE FINAL AUDIENCE! Here's how it went!

29 March. My life changed. I met Louis Walsh.

I'll set the scene. The night began in the pub. A part time barista and her recently returned backpacker pal walk into a bar. Ouch. We agreed that before our television debut, we should get the whistle suitably oiled, as the famous saying goes. If I was to forge a sensational parasocial relationship with Will Best, by claiming we had intense eye contact because he vaguely, somewot gazed in my general vacinity (pause for dramatic effect), then I needed some Dutch courage. Bare in mind, I have used this same thought process to multi-purpose a whole plethora of activities... Job interview? Have a shot of vermouth to fettle ye joints (what's 15% between friends!) First date? Glass of spicy rum and Pepsi Maximus to self-soothe! I know! Deutch courage or alcohol dependance? If only we had time to answer that one! But we don't. Sip sip yummy pint.

follow the co-ordinates 2, 2 

We were running l8 and so we proceeded to checkout, with a couple of gins in a tin(s) and hopped into an Uber. There we met our pal and brother in arms Joe. Once we were security checked (they binned my bloody Pink LADY ffs, it's like they don't want me to enjoy one of every food group!), we hop skipped jumped to the studios. The lights were swirling, the music was pumping and the crowd? Oversubscribed! We got stopped by what can only be described as a caricture of quintissential TV Runner: a youthful charm in his eye, a jumpy, indulgently confident nature and Adidas Sambas whom asked us this:

"Hiya guys, the crowd for the Live Final is pretty full up so would you be interested in joining our Late and Live studio audience instead?"

Diags says no. I say yes. It's a will they, won't they situation! But they did and oh baby oh baby, did they ever! Our belonings were stripped from us, left only with my 'just married' Vinted tee on my back, and a dream in my head, we sat on the rock solid audience bench. Managed to snag a lush second row seat on the edge. Perfect view of the celebs and the items I now call my mirrors- THE CAMERA. The Emcee cum audience host was everything you needed him to be. Sharing anecdotes from his time at the filmings of Celebrity Juice, making silly jokes about the 2.5 hour filming we had just sat through being the dress rehearal (look out we have a joker here!).

And then the A-List lifestyle begun. Swarms of runners came running out laiden with plastic flutes full of Nice Sparkling Wine. My servants! J'adore being the Upstairs to their Downstairs. We guzzled and gleamed as we were reassured that we would be drinking all night long. And then the toilet trips. It was all very Key Stage 3 'any last pees and poos before filming?'. 

Three of these and i was off ma tits

When I strutted out of the portaloo and back to the studio, the gears had really gone up some. Two rows of the evicted celeb housemates AND their family and friends were sat! I'm sat! 

It was like when you start noticing one ick about someone, then you start finding more and more everywhere you look. First I saw Bradley- a vision in all white (living and breathing Westlife). Then we saw Carlos from Strictly fame with Nikita's girlfriend Lauren. Then Marisha! And then... Lights, camera, action. AJ Odudu looked like a VISION in gold. "She looks like an Oscar trophy" to quote 'ar Dais Diags in verbatim. But you know, me being a live reality telle veteran and having already seen her in on Tuesday's Live Eviction, it was all extremely lasez faire to me. Like catching up with an old pal. Will was there also.

DISCLAIMER: I really do enjoy Will Best and me and Diags (Diags being Daisy but Diags is is a lovely reality telly ode codename) established that we are whole-heartdly, quite firmly in love with him. I miss him already. I knew he would move on.. I just didn't think it would be that quick.

Diags 

nothing to do with CBB. a TOWIE star. so the reality telle link is a stretch but it's my stretch <3) 

The trailers for Late and Live were filmed. We were told to look smiley, laugh at anything remotely amusing and clap like your sad little life Jane depended on it. We got to watch the episode through little screens in the studio. There was a lush lady called Queen B sat behind us (see fig.1 for photo evidence) who was living her LIFE. Myself and Diags would have put our third child and third leg on betting that this was one big wind up. Where was Anthony McPartlin and Dec in disguise, waiting to run out and reveal the hidden cameras? Queen B, the spectators who were donned in Haiwaiian shirts and groovy glasses, the Truman Show looking studio that looked like it would crumble if you so much as blew on it. Surreal.

Ad break before the first eviction. Highlights? Making the Emcee giggle when I said that Louis is "the people's princess" and my winner. 

NUMBER 1: FERN 'Rule Britannia' BRITTON 

She waved at us! She waved at us! A non-surprising but acceptable fifth placer. Interesting to see that they prepped the family and friends of the next evictee, before they had been announced.

NUMBER 2: COLLANDER, COLTON, CO--wait! what! LOUIS SODDIN WALSH?? 

Ok did NOT see that one coming. I would have BetFreded it that Colson was the next casualty. People's Princess Lou is nothing short of a skivvy now. At this point the Nicee was warming the cockles of my shart and so I was feeling emotional. Grappling for some salty puddles to fall from my eyes as I mourn the loss of MY winner.

HD footage of me fanning my face in pure religious exhaltation. i'm the fittie in the middle.

ur not allowed to screenshot ITVX so my five secs of fame aren't my most flattering but i PROMISE IT's ME! I would never joke about something so serious!!

 He rushed in and was met by a team of MUAs, cracking jokes and pulling mock sad face poses for his photoshoot. My man was three apples high and chirpy as they come. Honestly, I was expecting him to look like a diva backstage but he seemed like great craic (a good time, for the non-Irish aligned). He sat down for his interview and divulged how HELLISH his experience was. And then his 'pal' was joyously reunited with him. SO GOOD. He sat down with his mates and not with the celebs which I thought was delicious. Side note, his friendship with Lauren was nothing yea-heigh of iconic.

💃💃💃💃💃👄Highlight? Lauren bending over in her silly tutu skirt to say hi to Lou Lou and flashing her whole Jesus, Joseph and Mary to a bemused looking Marisha and Zeze behind her. They attempted to protect her modesty and cover up her vajazzle, but Lauren cannot b
e caged.

Then the runners chucked bags of sweeties at us (add a tennis racket to hit them into the crowd and an inflatable giant peach and you have yourself a panto! Camp as Christmas!!) Sparkling vino was topped up. Me and Diags both necked ours and grovelled to a different runner that we hadn't been given our top up. Oh to be a people pleasing runner! She poured and she poured and we guzzled our extra glass (which tasted extra delectable because she was an unwise but not illegal extra drink).

Then.. NUMBER TREE: COLSON!

A sweet fella whose family seem lushed and his girlfriend was gorgina! He looked more like himself than he did on the box if that makes any sense. Sweet, fun, slightly rinsed the 'we're in a famous boyband' quip one too many times but i'll allow it.

Ok boys, girls and clown/selves... The final section was announced. I was a little bit Tipsy as Tits come the final countdown but I still felt sick with nerves when we were waiting for the name to be called out. And it was ...

NUMBER FOUR: NIKKITA! 

Like a flash, his girlfriend Lauren and fellow Strictly pro Carlos were rushed out (holding hands, which me and Diags used as ammunition to our theorm, which follows..) to go and greet him. Layton Williams was also there and radiant! Lauren was so snatched that, her waist?! Blink and you miss it! A very lean trio was Carl, Loz and Lay.

👀👄👀💘💑The Love Triangle Paradox:👀👄👀💘💑

We could not help but notice the intriguing and completely arbitary innocent (but exaggarated for theorem's sake) dynamics between Nikits, Lauren, Carlos and Layton. Lauren and Carlos holding hands as they exited the studio? Nikita and Layton's homo-erotically charged dance on Strictly! Nikits holding up a love heart to Layton in the crowd! All very confusing. We became qualified body-language experts: examining how Nikita stroked Lauren face (cute) to then having a rather intense, serious looking chat (a reccuring theme, given the papparazi photos that were taken showing the pair having a row at the afterparty).

So that means our winner was David 'the legs' Potts. Not disappointed and never surprised! From his constant riffs to his quest to make 'slay', well, slay again, he was the people's winner from day dot. His bestie was sobbing in the audience bless her. But any tears or spills would roll right off David's legs like water off a duck's back, they're that glossy and smooth. The

Please please please see below for my star studded interaction with David. Hear that bloke in the back who shouts 'we love u david!' well that bloke was me. I  might still shop at Lidl after my rise to fame but mostly will be Waitrose and the private chef now.

Then the celebs all chitter chattered. The celeb guests were wheeled out. Oti was a real highlight. THEN. WOULD YOU BELIEVE IT! LOUIS SODDIn WALSH came over post photoshoot and voluntarily spoke to me and Diags!!! We waved and he swagger jaggered over. Read our dialogue:

• 'Hey Louis hey r u!'
• 'oh it was terrible' (many a vigorious head shakes)
• 'was it a hateful experience Louis?'
• 'oh no no but it was so hard'
• 'did you go a bit stir crazy Louis?' 
• 'oh yeah it's crazy in there don't do it girls, just don't do it'
• 'thanks Louis for the advice because I was going to go into CBB before u said otherwise!'

It was truly a boy meets girl experience. No regrets saying that Louis Walsh was my fave celebrity in my Tab UK interview.

oh and then we saw runners wheel the celeb wheelie bin of shame past us on their way to the after parteh!

Best day of my life! Louis is the best man in my life! I never knew the true meaning of love until this night.