me and my personalititities

 the best, hottest, most humbling, delicious, light lunch snacky, picky dinner, sinister, fun (till the fun stops), interesting things i've been called in my life to date:

aggressively southern-from a boy in Roosters takeaway

a floozy (ta da)

dressed like a Sim

dressed like a Bratz

a narcissist (which this 'article'-using that term loosely-can only vouch for)

girlz food gear

the best club dancer (unsolicited bc i've seen club photos #theunforgiven but gassed nonetheless)

a good listener

JARRING

a neek

world's worst vegetarian

Directioner (liam payne always n 43ver)

someone's girlfriend 

a filmstar (thanks granny)

a 'friends with benefits plus' (never felt more like a Trivago deal in all my silly 21 years!)

a princess (granny still dishing out compliments like mashed potato in one of those ice cream scoops)

Baby Ley

gagga-goo goo

'it' 

'the mustard one' (a delcious title bestowed upon me by a catcaller who claimed that he, will indeed take one for the team, and take me, the mustard one-thanks to my Primark condiment coloured tee)

sausage bag

'prompt payment, brilliant communication' (merci bo cow Vinted)

a graduand

a graduate (munch munch)

graduATE was graduDRINKING #oneprosexyfloor

the processer of a character chin

lily allen's professional cig roller

a shit roller

'just married person'

dua lipa peepa (had to get my head surgically deflated after this one)

a child of god

Amelia (my Confirmation name due to St Amelia being the saint of fish and fishermen and I had just become pescatarian. naturally this needed to become a personality trait)

look like a wolf (because of my monobrow <3)

a girl with grandmother taste buds

farm ranger

Ok! passion project over!

Happy St Paddys day! I heart Irish bachelors

Happy St Podrick's Day!

💚

When I was a wee lass I supported Wales like it was my job. 1st March marked St David's Day-synonymous with dense and dry or squidgy and red and raw (there's no inbetween) Welsh cakes and getting bang for your buck out of your Marie Curie daffodil pin. 

Then I grew up and grew out of my faux nationalism. Ok so you can quote Gavin and Stacey and annually you unconsciously racially profile the Love Island contestants to always favor the Welsh ones. And yet this whole time I had been sleeping on a phenomenon bigger than myself and more ferocious than the dragon...Take a look at this inventory below:

1. Eurovision stardom
2. Kerrygolds butta
3. Pots of gold at rainbows (living on the sodabread-line has never looked more cost-effective)
4. Tayto crips man
5. Jedward
6. /
7. Louis Walsh (notice how I gave Jedward and Louis a space between them... hope they can heal their wounds soon but its best they stay away from each other rn xx)
8. Leprechauns
9. My big phat gypsy wedding <3 oh! to be GRABBED!
10. Eligibale bachelors (a few whom have already been mentioned)

And that's when it dawned on me. I was late to the game in appreciating the Irish charm. Back in 'day I rthought i was not like other girls because my fave accent was the West Country and the Welsh. But now I was joining the sisterhood. Live laughing McLoving the Irish fellas. So, join me brethren, whether you are a believer or just starting your journey (you're valid and we see you) in my definitive ranking of the top most elgibale Irish bachelors.

I can't wait for our journeys together xx hey! it's a climb, but the view is great x

Ireland <3 

PAUL Mescalculated 

Me and Pauly when we were young hung and in lung (luv)

I love paul and he was the face that launched a thousand ships. Destination=irish fellas! The fact that an instagram account entitled Connell's Chain was created based on his Normal People character's choice of metal adorations.. Well it's just a fact innit. 

 

2 stars 💫 and a wish 💑 for PM

💫He is gorgeous 

💫something in me tells me he's attainable (please remember this is the same ocd drenched brain that convinces myself if I don't flick off my lightswitch 6 times and touch all the wood in my room i'll be responsible for the trag death of my whole family)

💑i wish he would stop running away from his one night stands! je deteste running! i'm never gonna catch up wiv him

Barry Keofhivcbigshan

i've had more soft spots fot his man than I've had cooked dinners

I luv this man for many reasons-his name being one of them. I spelt it phonetically for her pleasure. Saltburn might have tarred his name (Barry Keofhighan rememeber) with a grave-erotic brush... And yes, Saltburn is the film that gave renannciance to Vampire eroticism, giving the British public no choice but to look internally, asking themselves 'am i team Edward or Jacob?' But its Baz cakes! Ar Barry Cumin who should be the thumbnail for those clickbait 'dermatologists hate her' adverts because of his evergreen youthful skin. Doctor Who's Cassandra (the she/it of skin) is quaking in her non-exisent boots.

The Token Irish in Harry Potter

'Ooops I just had an oops moment #pissedmyself where the fuck are my Always'

 

Love this cheeky fek. Comedic relief when the dark magic got a bit heavy. Nice diversity and i know in my heart of hearts he's abracadabraing butter beer into pints of Guinness. Salt of the earf bloke. hope he is doing ok!

Patrick ‘the professional woman’ McDowell

Jorts in the boardroom? Groundbreaking. 

pins out! Patty walked so David Weekender Pots could run, pins free.

i may not know many things but I do know that he looks like a Sacconejoly baby here so much. so much. Jonathan will be capitalizing!

Back when TV was good and Sainsbury's Basics label was still very much a thing, BBC1 broadcast the delciously salacious Young Apprentice. A crashcourse in where GCSE French Buisness can get you. A fistful of young professionals (16 year olds donning suits and briefcases like they've been dropped into the Office Job section of KidZania Westfield) compete to get Lord Sugar's business investment. 

DISCLAIMER: During my extensive journalistic research for this piece, I actually discovered I had been a victim of the Mandela Effect. Patrick is actually from Merseyside and not the proud owner of one Irish bone in his body). With a name like PATRICK McDOWELL i am going to give myself some grace.

pins out! Patty walked so David Weekender Pots could run, pins free.

Unfortunately the world wide web has no footage of Patrick at his best (episode 2: cookery book challenge). I'll describe it in verbatim if you never got to witness this cinematic episode. Patrick and his teammate Maria (a genuine Irish artefact) create a cookbook entitled 'The Professional Woman'. True feminism in action.

Instead enjoy this from the same episode : pesky courgettes

💚💚💚👬👫PS: Patrick birthed the iconic line of Maria's Flip me patrick! Irish, girly, ethereal!

episode two

Celebrity Big Brother 2024: live episode two-as it happened

You asked! I listened.

translation: You never asked and I did it anyway. ask for forgiveness not permission mwahahaha

Here u are 'av it. Big Brother live episode two-as it happened. Enjoy my dairy-free girls and guys xxx

a little visual context if u care to listen

+

=

quality telle

21:02

AJ! Will! Bob! These two dressed in black to grieve the inevitable Buncle's eliminash (never die for the eliminaysh)

state funeral for Buncle's elimation 2nite

21:03

Marcus Bentley wake me up! 

21:04

Ok David Weekender coining 'nama-slay'! Yassifying 'namaste' and Hinduism just like that. Weekender please don't give Primark any more ideas for more £6 T-shirt prints

21:05 

Lauren attempts to remember Colston' s name part 3 the remix. Corriander, collister, collainder, drain the pasta and leave some of the pasta water in and bone apple tits!

21: 06

Ok the house has been transformed into a celestial, spiritual retreat. Screenshots of these scenes with housemates donned in robes are evocative of a Netflix cult documentary... Or Holly Willoboobie's This Morning segment on Bowl Therapy. Same dffierence 

21:07 

Housemate are gagging from drinking what looks like a £4 Pret Ginger shot. 

Ever since Chris Maloney a la cruise ship X factor singer fame habitualy gagged and threw up in tense times and having to eat a century egg in the CBB house,, I have an affiliation for CBB housemates gagging. It feels like coming home to me. or like going to a PRYZM bathroom

'VOMITS'

photos moments before disaster

21:11

Oh to be awkwardly standing there in the audience. yes! guy in the end give us nothing !

21:17 

Will looks like ben shepard innit anyway

21:18 

The housemates are playing a circle game and Gary's been asked if he's found peace with himself. Will he mention being a self-titled national villain aga- oo yeh there we go!

21:20 

Which housemate inspires Sharon the most? Levi. If a slapped arse and Louis had a special hug, it would create Louis' face.

Ugh stiop the tears everyone and someone kick off it's far too emotive!

21:23

Oh Gary's still yapping about being a villain in case you forgot (or never remebered in the first place xxx)

21:25 

I've never needed to see Sharon sucking a choc ice and slagging Buncle off before 25 past nine this Friday evening more. Ekin, Louis, Shaz are the new holy trinity in my life since my Christian girl rennaisance. 

21:26

Omg Ekin thinks Davide is her soul mate. PLEASE! THIS! this is what i pay (i don't pay) taxes for

21:17

Davide in his 'hoe phase' according to the girlies. And Ekin making bait comments but finishing them with 'oh no but I shouldn't talk about this' shines a line on the Year 9 Snapchat stories claiming 'off snap for 9 hours nr **** knows why :'( don't pop up'. She's breadcrumbing us but not baking the full loaf. There's a lot of potential T here from Mummy Su we'll just have to be patient!

21:28 

AND NOW! Sharon claims 'Simon doesn't know how to keep friends' that's actually wild

omg

now we talking contracts! i love being a business woman and understanding the ins and outs of Simon's contractual mess. oh my sugar tits Louis and Shaz slagging Simon's X Factor's chat this is genuinely history in action and I would not make jokes about something so serious.

21:30

Not Louis slagging Simon literally asking contestants their name and how old they are aka basic conversational skills. Louis would literally slag a baby learning its first words he's that vinegar tits!

Sharon impersonating 'having a second track up my arse' is nothing short of pop culture iconography.

21:33 (or thereabouts)

Housemates are called for a house announcement. Louis looks seasonly Easterly, like a freshly washed chick. Sweet.

21:36

Fantastic monotonus tone of mr Big Bruv reciting the screenplay of Louis and Laurens' forbidden conversation about nominations. No emotion and even worse delivery it's nice.

21:37 

I just know Lauren is sweating like a fiend in that PLT latex bodysuit. She better do the seat shuffle a few seconds before she gets off the sofa to cover her tracks-quicker than you can say 'Jacques from Love Island skiddy underpants'.

21:40

let's recap quickly lauren and zeze argue because lauren said that zeze 'hates' her hence her nomination blah blah louis and lau get shoved in a Wheelie Bin of Shame (don't ask). The bin is pink and camp as tits #pride #ally. ElandEl have a mothers meeting a la PTA meeting in their bin and write a soggy excuse of an apology letter.

21:50

Please find a transcript of some postmodern slam poety from tonight's apology. 

Poets are Lauren Belinda Simon and Michael Louis Vincent Walsh.

First performed on CBB, 9 March 2024.

Stanzas are performed in ABAB rhyme scheme: 

It was totally banta 

'To all of the housemates here

we are deeply sorry for any upset that we have caused today

it was totally banta

and we are

really

really?

sorry

Lauren and Louis'

Cannot wait to watch Mr Bruff's Youtube annotation video of this poem! My GCSE Power and Conflict anthology has never been so threatened.

Celebrity Big Brother 2024: episode one-as it happended

Celebrity Big Bruva 2024: episode one-as it happened

+

= this... aka hard hitting journalism

In the style of this gorgeous The Guardian article thread I discovered.

Stuart Heritage, I’m picking up whatever it is that you’re putting down.

Please find my intensely ego-fuelled Celebrity Big Brother 2024: episode one-as it happened. Basically an excuse to spill my beans on my inner monologue, thoughts, feelings, sensations and exaltations in live-time, as the first episode of CBB happens.

Thank u for being an enabler. Hope i dont get infected with lactose intolerance as a cheese luver 02.

Chapter 1: Big Brother is lovingly concieved after his mum and dad have a special hug

21: 04

...in the Celebrity Big Brother house... 

"What on earth!"my dads singular contribution to the commentary, commenting on AJ’s bodysuit

21: 05

talking of RED and BODY shazzzzzza O! the woman whose photos adorned my uni bedroom celeb wall of fame star of the week shrine. The ozempic is calling hun. I can hear her through the fields of gold. I feel sick and I cannot WAIT for her and ‘ar Louis “sound like a popstar” Walsh to reunite and laugh David Ibiza Weekender out of the room.

21: 06

“huh” i gasp as Will mentions Shaz Ohhh yes is about to “meet her match with the other reality tv star”! Does this mean Louatron Walsh is about to go in!!! Oh shame.. turns out they are just personifying Big Brudha, and not our Wee Aunty Louis. Big Brudha is the Channel 5 delegation to Wee Aunt’s Channel 4 foundations.

21: 07

It’s at this moment, my attention is brought back to when Sharon forgot the name of her act on X Factor but you know “the songbird from (decliously vague) abroad” Sara Alto of Eurovision fame is just as good!

“ooh how fabulous”! A A La Carte classic Sharon O line that sounds like coming home! She is a walking caricature cum charcuterie board of herself. Emphasis on the cured meats.

21:08

Girl’s Aloud anthem Love machine plays so it has to be a A lister. They would never waste those Royalties on a lister past the D list. Oh! I’ve missed those Irish pipes of Louis 'you sound like a pop star' Walsh!

He's got husky in his old age!

21:09

Yes, Louis admits he goes to bed and gets up late! Louis let’s co-house together

Hes like a live action of Cebeebie’s Grandad in My Pocket

Hasn't aged a day since he was being kicked out of Dawn the Jockey’s audition by Simon. To reiterate, he does not look a day over Over 25s

21:10

“I just wanna be me” exclaims Louis Walsh,copyrighting CBB alumn gemma collins’ most profound quote

21:12

The audience cheer ‘woooop woooopp’ and i feel like i'm back in my SU

21: 13

Snatched sharon! The yassification of Shazza O

What’s she stuffing in her pocket and why do i think its ozempic! Sorry I can’t get over her transformation. I have a one track mind!

21:15

Aw iconic pairing i love my parents xxxx he gives me a reason to believe in St Paddy’s day.

My Mum walks in and asks me “uh! Why’s louis gettin involved in Sharon’s secret mission?!” -ok boys she's HOOKED

Chapter two: The gender reveal party.. it's a boy!

Ok boys we r back

21:18

AJ looks like a yassified Babybel and frankly it’s delicious

21:20

Oh stunning! Nikita from ‘never too early for a ten from Shirely Ballas’ Strictly fame! The rich man’s answer to AJ pritchard 

As Nikita shuffles down the runway and into the house, I cannot help but think he is stiff as a plank for a professional dancer.

21: 25

Mother Su time! Ekin Su! Our millennial mother and the UK’s answer to Lele Pons

21: 27

At this moment in time I am compelled to ask the CBB producers to bring in Ekin’s cocky young thing of a brother! He said on that one episode of Love Island: Aftersun that this isn't the last we have seen of him! Well…. It was…

21:31 Ok louis and sharon watching the housemates enter from a secret bunker. Mummy Su-next of Kin-Su should be Louis’s Mstermind category. He knows her inside and out! “She’s from Turkey, been on Love Island, been on everything”, her national insurance number and mother’s maiden name -he knows her!

Chapter three: Tea break time! The obligatory soap stars and TV estrellas production line

21:33

Colson Smith. The obligatory soap star. He seems a lush lad, won't last a day but i think he is a delight 

21 :35

I’m pretty sure his entire personality changed the min he got in the house. Did he just swear as he almost fell down the stairs! Colson giving us a sensory feast and telling us it “Smells of fresh paint”! Which I misheard as “fresh pain”. Oooo hang on we have an ‘ar Colson’ here, the people’s princess!

21: 37

A new housemate but waz iz name? Idk realistically we will be referring to him as the Uncle of Pippa baby got back Middleton.

Gary sounds like the man who narrates the Maccies adverts but considering the class divide, I would bet my bottom dollar that he's never bought a yellow sticker reduced item in his life.

21: 38

Gary claims that he is “Not that character you’ve seen in the press!”... babe… have we ever seen you in the press? No t no shade! Absolutely ZERO shade with that blinding white light white dinner jacket suit.

21 40 

Ok! The house band has arrived. The novel American. Seems like a nice southern belle with actual talent (says the girlie writing a minute by minute review of CBB #hardhittingjournalism)

Mum has declared her as her favourite based purely because she “likes an american”

Shes gorgina in her defence! Musician theatre kids always give me the squits however !!! i think i like her. Just a girl born to be on the stage a la Craig David Born To Do It.

21:47

YES! David Weekender. Always wearing shorts, this one, irregardless, (irreedosiclitious-how the wee lad actually spelt that word is a modern medical miracle) of rain or shine! The pins are out from this reality TV circuit runner star.

21:48

Some strong dialgoue here. 

David: “I’m so ready”

Will : “You are ready for it”

David “I’m so ready”

Truly evocative of Cheryl X Factoral “whenever you’re ready… i’m read” quip…

TV really does hold a mirror up to society.

21:51

Shaz and Louis in hiding. Colourized footage of our brave WW2 troops living in bunkers.

Chapter four: Big Brother's baby (step) brother once removed

21:52

Levi! a good time boy, in the time of Dragons Den where contestants walked up stairs and did not appear in the lift. ’Ar Industrial rev.

Oh I love Mr and Mrs louis walsh!

21: 53

I do not have much to say about Levi bc hes just a good time boy isnt he-fits right in its warming to see

21:55

Ok ok Zee Zee. On brand with our WW2 theme and donning tights evocative of WW2 gravy tights adorned by housewives of yonder year

21:57

Stunning fit though!!!! The bright lights of the city (aka the live stage) has brought her out of her shell. All talk and no gravy  tights? Hard to tell but reckon she will be a hoot or a handful.

She's so tall and eleganza!!!! I would fancy her if she was a 20-something man and dressed like a ragamuffin, owned dj decks and speaks like he's from the east end but grew up in teddington

21:59

Sharon brings us back to earth and comments on David’s “fruit and veg” that “are hanging out the front. Disturbing”. How rude Shazzle!

22:01

Is this Catheerine Tate in another yassified life! Or a character from the Catherine Tate Show per chance as I’m-pretty sure she was done on RPDR UK snatch game last year? No its Dawn the Real Housewife of Chesire!

22:02

This house looks like a hall of mirrors. Motion sickness just to get from a-z. Dawn walking in is evociative of those edited Britney Spears clips of heer walking into the Ellen Show in silence and audio is just her shoes click clap clopping

22:06

Louis tries but gets the family tree so wrong. “so she’s her mother’s brother’ (talking about the Uncle) ok louis! So wrong but come on pronouns! we like the over-egged attempt at inclusion

22:08

Oh for goodness sake! The Jonas Brothers’ 'Waffle House' is playing. That can only mean one thing.. It’s the obligatory youth of the house Bradley! There’s an ageist hate crime in there somewhere.

22:11

Sad thing is he's all smiles now but a week from now he’ll be hand shovelling baitly Harvest Morn corn flakes covered by a medical tape looking sticker into his gob, tears welling in his lush eyes as he watches his senior housemates battle it out week by week

22:13

Aw Nikita and Bradley bonding over designer suits. Showbiz! These two could be AJ and Curtis Pritchard in another life!

Chapter cinco: the grande finale!

22:16

Fern Rule Britainnia Britton! I just need her to tell us about the Schofe. Even if they have to cover up her chat with illicit bird call noises on the CBB Live Stream because she’s said too much that cant be aired to the public.

22:19

I like her, a Mother. In a different way that Ekin is mother but they could be blended family and raise me up so i could stand on mountains.and for this, I would thank my mums.

22:20 Louis: “Ferne Britton as they know her!” Well what else is she known as?! What do u know louis that you aren’t telling us Louis chops.

Meanwhile it’s 22:22 (A Ghost Story) and Sharon is increasingly looking like the Krakow Wax Museum version of herself.

22:23

Oh gosh the nominations callouts are giving me Paranoia PTSD throwback to my first year at uni first.

22:24 Celeb Big Brother Late and Live on ITV2 just been announced! Let’s hear some bird call.

22:28

All polished off with a delicious steaming cup of William Hill Vegas bingo ads!

Delicious !